Post # 1
A few years ago, my boyfriend of eight years proposed with the most beautiful ring. It was a cushion cut with a halo and diamonds along the band. It was exactly what we had talked about, and it was exactly what I had been dreaming of for the last few years. It was perfect. Six months before the wedding, I found out he was cheating on me, and I called off the wedding.
Since that time, I have met someone absolutely incredible and we are head over heels in love. We’ve gotten to the point where we are talking about engagement rings. The problem is just looking at engagement rings makes me cry. Not because I miss the old relationship, but because I can’t have the perfect ring, the one I already had.
I know he wants to do something completely different, and part of me agrees that it should be different, but I know that if it’s any other style, I’m going to mentally compare it to the old one and be disappointed, because as much as I try to be open minded and look at other rings, there’s no other ring for me.
Yes, I know the ring is not the important thing here, and that it’s just a symbol, but it’s something I would have on my hand everyday. I just don’t want to look down and think about how I had to settle for a ring that I’m not in love with, a ring that isn’t me, and have that be a reminder of the perfect ring I’ll never have again.
He could propose with a lugnut and I’d say yes, and part of me wishes that would happen just so I wouldn’t have to think about engagement rings ever again. We tried talking about it, and I tried to be okay with him going a different direction, but I’m completely torn. I don’t want the same ring, and yet the thought of any other style ring feels absolutely wrong.
Has anyone else ever been through anything like this? Has anyone gotten engaged again and found themselves comparing rings? Any advice?
Post # 2
I’ve not had two engagement rings but I have had two wedding rings to compare.
What I’d suggest is that you look at this from a different perspective. Sure, you had what you consider to be the perfect ring. Unfortunately, it is associated with an imperfect relationship. So do you really want an identical copy of a ring that has these unfortunate memories. Do you want to look down at your hand and be taken back to that relationship?
The “right” ring is the one that comes without past baggage. I’m sure, amongst the thousands of beautiful rings out there, one of them has your name on it! But you need to put the past firmly IN the past in order to embrace the new, and totally happy engagement you are look forwards to. And that means opening your mind to other style options.
Post # 3
RoseRose: Is it even an option to not get a ring? Although I have a feeling no matter what he proposed with, you’d be happy (maybe?) b/c you’d actually be in the moment. Right now, you may just be over thinking it.
Post # 4
RoseRose: Just get the kind of ring you like. In the long run when you look at it you’ll not only love the style but you’ll think of the person who gave it to you, not your past relationship.
If you purposefully get a different one just for the sake of it being different that’s all you’ll think about when you look at it and THAT will be a constant reminder of the last relationship.
Post # 5
RoseRose: Never been in that situation, but I feel for you.
Have you actually visited any jewelry stores (recently) to try things on? I think that would be a great first step. Actually trying some rings on might help reveal that you love a different style of ring just as much. Also, there are so many different styles of halo cushions that maybe you’ll be able to find something different enough for your SO, but similar enough to suit your taste.
I feel like if you completely allow your ex FI’s decisions to dictate what style of ring you wear, you’re giving him too much control in your life…that might be something worth bringing up to your SO.
Post # 6
RoseRose: What about getting a the same style of ring, but with a colored gemstone or diamond? The fancy colored stones are gorgeous. Or you could forgo an ering in favor of an amazing wedding band you love. He could propose with the band.
These are amazing
Post # 7
I was married previously, and I wanted everything to be completely different, so I get where you’re coming from! I had a ruby ring before, and it was beautiful. I didn’t want any association with the ex, so even though I still love rubies, and my husband does too, we went with a diamond. Try going to the store and trying rings on. Remember, it doesn’t cost anything to try it on! You might find something totally different and unexpected that you love. And even if you go with a halo again, not all of them are the same.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2014 - The Meeting House/DoubleTree by Hilton
I was engaged before, but I didn’t have any issues comparing rings so I don’t have any advice for you there, I’m sorry!
I understand what you’re saying and I totally get why your boyfriend wants a completely different style ring – I would, too. So I see two possible solutions: first, he proposes without a ring and you just get a wedding band when you get married. Then you don’t have to worry about comparing and you guys can just focus on the band and maybe do something nicer there. The second option I see is for him to get you a ring and you to just try it out. Maybe you guys could custom design something together that has some of the features you love but is still unique to you? I told my now-fiance that I wanted a blue stone for my engagement ring, and he got me an oval sapphire. I didn’t think I wanted an oval shape or a dark sapphire, but I absolutely love the ring he picked out. I think it’s beautiful, but I also love it because of the thought, time, and love he put into picking it out and asking me to marry him. So maybe something similar would happen with you? Just a thought!
Either way, good luck! The relationship is what counts, not the ring, so try to focus on that 🙂 I get what you’re feeling, though!!
Post # 9
I suggest that you and your SO go shopping together, and you should try on ALL the rings. Try on different shapes, try on solitaires, try on halos, try on three-stones, try on different metals, or even coloured gem stones. Whatever strikes your fancy. Sometimes a style that you wouldn’t have considered winds up being the one you can’t get out of your head. You might not be disappointed if you get the chance to try on something else that you could fall in love with.
You could fall in love with another guy, you can fall in love with another ring.
I agree with PPs that the past baggage associated with that “perfect” ring from that not-so-perfect relationship would be more drama and negativity than you need in your life.
Post # 10
Luckily it’s something made of metal and diamonds that you are mourning, but I do understand. Here’s my best mom’s advice..go ahead and tell your sweetie how you feel, my bet is he will understand completely and get you a similar design.
There are so many variations of a halo. Single row halo’s, double/triple, high halo’s, low to the finger halo’s, even halo’s with gemstones. My taste in ring design has changed over the years.
During my first marriage I didn’t have a diamond ring. I had a wide yellow gold band. This time around I still wanted wide – but done with multiple rings (stacked). I went from yellow gold to white gold. You could do yellow/white/palladium/platinum etc. But you CAN have a halo again.
Please let us know how things go ok?
Post # 11
If thats the style you love then thats what I would get. So what if you had it before? I would customize the setting so its special and different…maybe put your SOs birthstone as surprise stones? Get what you love and forget about the old ex. Your attachment to that style is not because of him, its because you love it.
Post # 12
RoseRose: I have been in your shoes. My ex proposed to me with my dream ring–3 stone, princess cut white gold ring with diamonds down the shank and even diamond accents on each side of the main stone, it was 2 ctw. Two months after he proposed he had a nervous freakin breakdown or something and just up and left and then I found out he had used MY credit card to pay for the ring so I was stuck with a meaningless ring AND the bill to go with it (quite a gem, heh??). Fast forward a couple years and my now Fiance proposed on Christmas with a round cut halo, plain shank that’s .75 tcw. I thought that I was going to be forever comparing it to the first ring but you know what? I don’t, in fact I love it EVEN MORE!! It’s not so much about the ring it’s what it symbolizes and the fact that it came from my Fiance (and the fact that he chose it all on his own) I can’t imagine having any other ring on my finger 🙂
Post # 13
That third ring was exactly what I had, except with a diamond. I toyed with the thought of a sapphire, but I still want a diamond. I’m too obsessed with matching to wear a colored stone everyday. I may have to go try some on, and hope that my mindset changes. I just love the small, thin band, and a delicate halo to make the center stone pop. Everything else so far doesn’t feel like me.
Post # 14
I haven’t been engaged before now, so I can’t really help on that other than to say that you just need to live in the now. Think how lucky you are to have found a truly great guy and not worry about the ring.
I also don’t think you neccessarily need to get something that is competely different. There are so many variations on the same styles, as others have already said. If you love halos, there are so many options! You could get a different cut diamond, a different centre stone, or a different coloured band. It sounds like in the end you’ll end up loving that he gets you no matter what, so enjoy the process, try on different things, keep an open mind!
Post # 15
RoseRose: Have you thought about moissanite? Maybe you could get something a little more intricate, or bigger and not break the bank, and then it wont be the same, because it’s not a diamond?
When SO proposes it will be my secodn engagment ring. His ex’s and my first ring were very similar, so I know he wouldn’t propose with anything like it and I am more than ok with that. He also knows I dont want another diamond…