Post # 1
Okay gals, quick question for you…
This is a second wedding for me. My first husband died in 2007. Thi is going to be small, not because it’s my second, but because that’s what Fiance and I wanted…However, I keep hearing people say things like, “Well she’s not ___________ because it’s her second wedding.” Honestly, it kinda hurts my feelings. It’s not like I chose to be in this situation. I’m a widow. Yes, I’ve had a huge wedding before. But that doesn’t mean I love my Fiance any less…and isn’t that what a wedding represents anyway?
So what do I need to know about a second wedding? Are there things that I am not ‘supposed’ to do because this is a second wedding? Is there an etiquette that I need to know about?
And a side question: Is someone supposed to throw me a shower even though this is a second wedding?
Post # 3
trust me there’s nothing you need to do. my mom definitely said i needed to NOT wear white because well and then she didn’t stop (i think it’s because i have been engaged before and lived with guys etc) let’s say i still love the way that i look in white and may still be wearing it lol….
i think you can do anything you want to and if someone else says a snotty comment like that you can tell them that you are doing what you are doing because you chose too and you aren’t so antiquated in your views to believe you have to do anything a certain way because you were lucky enough to find love twice. or you can tell them as i would “bite me”.
Post # 4
Aw… I find it horribly tacky that people are referring to this as though you are at fault for being a widow. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a shower if someone is willing to throw it for you. I’m sorry you lost your first husband, but very happy to hear you’ve found love again.
Post # 5
Dont listen to anyone and enjoy your moment. Some people say things because they themselves are bitter from inside and cant help being bitter to everyone around them. Enjoy your moment and love life 😉
Post # 6
I’m going to transfer this to the “Encore” board under “Brides.” Here on WB we refer to a second (or third or fourth) wedding as an encore wedding.
Perhaps if you use this term in front of friends and family, they will stop treating it like a formality and more like what it is: a celebration of you and your FI! Congrats on finding love again, I think you’re really strong! Don’t let their comments bring you down. In your case, I think you can have a shower, invite everyone you know, etc. even if it is your encore wedding!
Post # 7
The only etiquette question involved is that for any bride (first-time or otherwise), no one is supposed to throw you a shower. If someone offers, you can graciously accept, but the offer has to come from someone else.
Otherwise, you can do what you like. I was just married for the second time, wearing a long ivory dress and a veil with a blusher. (I didn’t wear white only because it doesn’t look good on me.) We had two bachelorette parties. Although we chose to have a small ceremony, we had a big reception back home for all our friends. And all of this happened even though my first marriage ended in divorce, not death.
Post # 8
I am so glad that you have found a new love. I was widowed at 34 and am thrilled to have someone special in my life again. Personally, I think people are rude for making any comments other than, “That sounds lovely!” It’s your wedding– wear what you want, do what you want!
If someone wants to throw you a shower, I bet it will be a lovely affair!
Post # 9
I too am a encore bride, does this make me any less a bride? Absolutely not!! I think that your day is what you want it to be and lets face it,, we who have been there and done that, know the mistakes, the wishes that were not fulfilled on our first wedding day. My second wedding ceromony and reception is everything that I wish the first could have been, but for numerous reasons was not. It is my second chance to fullfill my dream
Post # 10
The only thing you are “not supposed” to do is let those comments bother you! People just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. I am sorry people are being so ignorant. You deserve a wonderful wedding and if someone offers to throw you a shower you deserve the best shower of all showers!
Keep your head held high!
Post # 11
Maybe it’s because I am older but for my THIRD (and last wedding) we pretty much did what we wanted. We had a semi-formal evening wedding followed by light refreshments and had a casual pig roast the next day. I actually had someone on another wedding site LECTURE me because instead of gifts (we already have too much crap) we requested guests to bring a dish to the pig roast to share. The lady claimed that in reality I was asking my guests to cater my reception! BS! The pig cost plenty and we supplied roast corn and beer.
Well the wedding, simple reception and pig roast turned out beautifully and many guests commented on how beautiful and unique the wedding was and how much fun the pig roast was. And the food was fantastic and everyone loved sampling everybody’s specialities. Several folks who couldn’t make it to the pig roast told me that they heard it was THE event of the season. We played softball, volleyball and horse shoes! The kids had a ball!
So do what you want! Do what you are comfortable with and have fun!
Post # 12
I am so glad I am not the only one in this situation. My husband also passed away in 2007, and I truly believe that my first husband lead me to my soon to be husband. My first husband always told me to fall in love again, and when I was dead set on getting involved with anyone, this guy just wouldn’t take no for an answer and so when I refused to give him my phone number he found me on facebook, and although it started as a friendship it has grown into much more. And best of all I am so happy and so are the kids.
I do know how you feel my mom is always saying well it is your second wedding you don’t need to do that. Sometimes I don’t think she realizes just how hurtful those words are. But I step back and think what is it that I want and what my FH wants and then I move forward. My mom was kind of a jerk about my dress, but my aunt (god love her) told me that I needed to look like a bride for my FH (it is his first wedding).
So when these people are saying these things as much as they hurt our feelings I usualy have to think they don’t mean to. I look at what is it that FH and I want and do what is best for us. If they don’t like it, well then ask them to keep their two cents to themselves.
Post # 13
First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your former husband. That is so sad. All of us here on the encore board (welcome) celebrate that you have chosen to open your heart and find love again.
There’s really no rules regarding encore weddings. You are 100 % as much of a bride as you were on the other wedding day. This is a new marriage, committment, and you can have a beautiful day your way. No rules, just right!
I hope in time others around you celebrate your wedding! I think they will.
Hang out w/us on the encore board. We’re so glad you’re here.
Post # 14
I am SO GLAD I found this website! I’ve been an emotional wreck over all the ‘shoulds’ as an encore bride (LOVE that term) who still has some princess dreams I want to fulfill now that I’ve found the love of my life.
I’m now ready to practice my icy stare, inform the wellmeaning they surely didn’t mean to say something so hurtful, and call myself an ‘encore’ bride to whomever is critical!!!
Post # 15
What really gets me sometimes is that some people think I wanted to become an encore bride. Divorce was never even a consideration to me until what happened happened and then you just pick up the pieces of your life and try to move on from it. I never married my xh thinking I’d ever divorce.
Nah. I didn’t have a choice as I had to divorce my xh, who was a maniac cheater. It’s not like I planned my life and thought one day…yanno what? I think I’ll just get married twice just so I can have two kick a$s weddings. I swear I think some people actually think that. Luckily I’m blessed with family and friends who do not at all think that about me or my Fiance.
No, I had my heart broken in pieces and didn’t date for quite some time and when I did find happiness again, it was only natural that I wanted to spend my life with him, the right guy.
What “should” we do? My answer is whatever we want. I’ve had my friends marry, remain happily married and have it 100 percent easier than I did the last 7 years and I’m not complaining about that either. I struggled financially, had to start my whole life over again at 33 and I struggled.
They know this was not what I had wanted to happen at all, and they’re happy for me and so thrilled. Unless you’re a Liz Taylor and it’s your umpteenth marriage or did something kinda uncool or hurtful to your ex spouse, I think people for the most part are generally happy for their friends and family who find happiness again and love and are supportive of encore marriages.
Post # 16
My cousin just had a 3rd full blown out wedding and we did showers for her. Some people were bothered by it. Just being honest here. Not because they didn’t think that she should have a celebration but because of the circumstances. My cousin and aunt/uncle don’t have a lot of money at all. They don’t have money to fix the repairs or broken appliances around the house, they can’t keep the power turned on But yet they had 3 big weddings! My cousin is also pregant and so most guests felt they should have save the 10,000 for the baby and home repairs.
But you know I think it is really up to you and what you want to spend your money and time on. If you didn’t spend it on a wedding and instead used it to buy a new car people would complain about that too. Point is you can’t make everyone happy and so you should do what makes you happy