Second Wedding? Offical wedding?? or Vow Renewal???

posted 6 years ago in Vow Renewals
Post # 3
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 I just want the wedding with the bachlorette parties and the bridesmaids and the  flowers and the father daughter dance… and most of all the first dance

 

 

Well technically….you are already married so you really can’t have a bachelorette party, you are no longer a bachelorette.  Again you are already married so anything you do would be a vow renewal, since legally…you cannot get married again.

 

I wouldn’t expect gifts either and would just invite people to celebrate in your marriage.

Post # 4
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Terrell1112:  I think something along the lines of “Come celebrate with Terrell1112 and Mr. Terrell1112 as they renew their vows” would be appropriate. It stinks that you missed out on the bachelorette parties, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a girl’s night out bachelorette TYPE thing. Plenty of people where I am from have a wedding later after their official marriage takes place because they are marrying service members or are both service members and they want to get stationed together. The military doesn’t really recognize anything other than legally married, so it’s really common if the couple plans to get married, but need to be married right this second.

 

As a note… one should NEVER expect gifts no matter the occassion, so telling you that would be pointless. People might or might not give you gifts, it really depends on if the person wants to give a gift or not.

Post # 5
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would call it a vow renewal and try to scale back your expectations a bit. Unfortunately it sounds like you already had a reception, even though it wasn’t what you wanted. Because people have alredy given (time and presents) I would be careful about asking for too much.

You may not have had a big wedding but you have a wonderful family and that’s so much more important! I would try to make the day about celebrating your marriage and family. 

Post # 6
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Well it can’t be anything other than a vow renewal since you’re already married. I’m sorry that you feel like you missed out on the big shindig you wanted, but you made your choice and you had not only a wedding, but a party to celebrate. All the pre-wedding parties? Not appropriate. And honestly, it seems like a gift- grab.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you are an adult, and adults live with the consequences of their choices. I think it’s time to move on – you’ve had a wedding, a party, and gifts. That’s enough. If you feel like you want/need to get your marriage blessed in your church, that should be a very small, private affair.

Post # 7
Member
9116 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t get the whole “You’re an adult. Deal with the consequences.” mindset. She’s asking for a wedding, not a liver.

My husband and I got married December 9th Justice of the Peace style. My husband is military and deploys often. We didn’t exactly have a choice in when we got married.

My husband and I are also having our formal wedding June 15th back home with the people who couldn’t get out to Oklahoma. We’re calling it a wedding. It’s not a vow renewal. The only difference between our situation and yours is we didn’t have any sort of party after we got married. No “reception” so to speak.

We are unapologetic for our wedding. If someone doesn’t like it — tough. Every couple is entitled to a “big white wedding” if they so want. it isn’t like there is some sort of jugment police going, “Tisk tisk, you’re already legally married! You can’t have this. Now git.”

 

If you don’t want to call it a wedding, call it a ceremony (That’s what it is called on our invitations, but it wasn’t really a big deal for us either way, we went with the default wording from weddingpaperdivas). Just because you’re married does not mean you’re not allowed to have your wedding.

The presents issue is a bit sticky. My husband and I are well secured in our home. He did a good job of stocking the house before we got married so we’re not asking for presents, but we did register if someone wanted to get us something. Word of mouth has passed around that we’re not expecting anything, so, there’s always that.

If I was in your case, and had already obtained wedding gifts previously, I wouldn’t even register, but that’s completely up to you.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not allowed to have a pretty wedding. You’re absolutely entitled to it! Everyone who wants one, is. Don’t be apologetic for it, either. You’re doing this for you. You don’t need to validate it to anyone else.

Edit: Isn’t a wedding just a big ass party anyway? At the end of the day, are you [blanket term] going to stand there, brows furrowed, eyes glaring, arms folded and go, “NO! NO PARTIES FOR YOU! You already had a party! You’re an adult, so too bad!” Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? It’s just a party. It’s a bunch of people coming together to celebrate love and have a good time with a few people who are in love. It isn’t like they’re asking people to empty their wallets into a cauldren just so they can bathe in it.

Post # 8
Member
9668 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

A wedding is an occasion celebrating a marriage so in that sense yes it is a wedding but the ceremony part of it is a vow renewal 🙂 and if you and your friends want to do a bachelorette type party beforehand go for it 🙂

Post # 9
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@oneofthesethings:  How do you figure she wants all the pre-wedding parties? From her post she only said she wanted a bachelorette party, which from my experience is not a real “gift” giving event, just another excuse for the girls to go out and party. Perhaps sometimes you give gag gifts, but I wouldn’t really consider that to be gift grabby. Sounds to me like she just wants to experience a wedding type event. I know people who have a wedding, full blown, just like any other wedding event and then 5 years later have another big “vow renewal”.

It sounded like all she wanted were the memorable things, like first dances, and to celebrate and plan with her friends (bridesmaids) and is it so wrong that she wants flowers? No. The party she had sounded like a smaller, more private affair, and since she said she wants the dances, it doesn’t seem like it was much of a formal party.

I know you’re only providing your opinion on the matter, but she SHOULD have whatever the hell she wants to have, not whatever you think she SHOULD have because she has to deal with the consequences of doing what she thought best for her relationship and her child. She has every right to throw a BIG party to celebrate her marriage. No, it won’t be a wedding, it will be a vow renewal, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t mimic a lot of aspects of a wedding. As long as she is upfront with the fact that she is ALREADY married and that it is a VOW RENEWAL I don’t see any problem with it.

As for the gifts, she already has covered that and it certainly does NOT sound like she just wants gift. Her guests are ADULTS they are able to decide if they WANT to give her a gift or not. Seesh.

Post # 10
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Hyperventilate:  out of curiosity, if you’re having it in a church how does it work? Are yiu allowed a church wedding if already married. Or if its civil…does that mean anyone can be the officiant without having to get qualified

I dint know how it works in US/UK as here in mexico yiu *have* to seperate legal and church weddings and sometimes they are done months apart depending on circumstance. Strange to think ive never been to a wedding in my home country

OP have tbe wedding you want.  you might have to change bachelorette party to girls night out in terms of what you call it tjough.  Oh damn my sausage fingers and my touchtype keypad on mh tablet i have so many mistakes and its hard to correct them!

Post # 11
Member
9116 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@newname_99:  I’m not getting married in a church.

ETA: We’re having an officiant, but more out of “tradition” than anything else. He is a family friend of both my husband’s and my own, so he’s there to celebrate and have a little part in our celebration as well. He’s just going to guide the whole party along with vows & such.

Post # 12
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

@oneofthesethings:  “Well it can’t be anything other than a vow renewal since you’re already married. I’m sorry that you feel like you missed out on the big shindig you wanted, but you made your choice and you had not only a wedding, but a party to celebrate. All the pre-wedding parties? Not appropriate. And honestly, it seems like a gift- grab.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you are an adult, and adults live with the consequences of their choices. I think it’s time to move on – you’ve had a wedding, a party, and gifts. That’s enough. If you feel like you want/need to get your marriage blessed in your church, that should be a very small, private affair.

Well said!

Post # 14
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

I think you should call in a vow renewel. 

I would ask for no gifts as you have already received them.

I say go for it and do it your way this time round 🙂

Post # 15
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Hyperventilate:  +1 I agree. OP, if you want to have a wedding, just have your wedding and call it that! The only guests who think that it would seem gift grabby are people who think that weddings are for asking for gifts – which they are not. Weddings are a celebration and you deserve to have the wedding you want.

Sure, the ceremony might be symbolic instead of legally binding, but that doesn’t make it less of a wedding. =) But yeah, I would specifically not ask for gifts, but if someone decides to still bring one (I would if I were a guest even if I brought one before), then that’s fine. Some people just like to give gifts anyway.

 

Personally, I’d just call it a wedding. Maybe the ceremony would be a vow renewal technically, but I don’t think it really matters what you call it. I think your guests will understand.

Post # 16
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@YogaFaerie:  Only reason I suggest she call it a “vow renewal” is so she doesn’t confuse the guests that already attended the celebration her father threw for her. I would hate for someone to think they were at her wedding and then find out she’s actually married and throw a fit at the wedding. I saw it happen once. A friend of Fiance married a girl and her parents threw a small reception for them the day before he deployed (or left for his deployment, not sure which, but either way he went away) and the day after they had their courthouse wedding. Some people attended and then were also invited to their big wedding celebration once FI’s friend got back from his deployment.

Guess one of the guests that went to that small reception accidentally/unintentionally said something about them getting married the year prior to a guest who thought they just NOW got married and she started going off about how the whole thing was a sham. It was embarassing for the bride and I seriously wanted to go punch the old bag in the face for being so rude. (Luckily one of her husband’s GMs escorted the bitch out of the reception – you just don’t say no to a man in dress blues) I’d hate to think that would happen to someone else, so I guess I just err of the side of being up front (I’d hate to think people would actually express their thoughts at a wedding if they thought that way…). However, this is probably a very specific senario, and my worrisome nature is just getting to me.

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