Post # 1
My first time posting a question here, please be kind 🙂
I found out after being engaged for a couple of months that the ring I was given is secondhand, bear with me as I tell the story.
My SO was paying off a loan from his parents and he asked them if he could continue with the payments since he was nearly finished and they could hold the extra money to buy an engagement ring for me. His older sister overheard the conversation and offered him her old engagement ring as a gift, it was a short and rather crappy marriage and she wanted something good to come out of it. She didn’t need the money from selling it and it was almost identical to the ring he wanted to buy me so he accepted. After the engagment I was talking about wedding bands and he said that the ring came with a matching wedding band (same thickness and style just no stones) if I wanted that one. Sounded great as it matched and it didn’t cost any extra money. A couple of months later I found out that the ring was from his sisters previous marriage, I was obviously upset that he hadn’t told me ( he wanted it to be perfect and thought if I knew I wouldnt want the ring). Anyway, I have always loved the ring and his sister is absolutly amazing for gifting it to him and we are the only three people that know where it came from. He offered to design me a new wedding band if I wanted but it won’t match the engagement ring as much as the current one.
My question is should I stick with the matching wedding band that was his sisters wedding band and was once presented by another man as a symbol of everlasting love ( only lasting a couple of years though) or should I take him up on his ofer of designing me a new ring? He said he understands why I might feel weird about having another persons ring but it’s not the actual ring that is important but what it symbolises between us. I don’t care about it having to be a new ring (would kind of rather not spend the extra money) I just don’t want to be standing there at the alter and thinking about the last time the ring got put on someones finger and how the marriage ended.
Post # 2
kiwibarefootbride : if you like the ring why would it really matter? It’s not like it’s engraved to her or anything. I would be happy with the gift if it’s to your taste!
Post # 3
kiwibarefootbride : or,it’s a ring doubly blessed with love and good intentions since his sister wanted you to have it.
I think it’s really sweet.
In the future he can put the money he might have used on the band to get you a beautiful anniversary band to stack with.
Post # 4
kiwibarefootbride : If you have always loved the ring I guess I don’t understand.
I have four rings that are antiques. One is my great grandmothers. The other two are wedding bands. One has initals put on it and its in my stack. The other is from 1900 and no engraving and the third is another antique cameo.
The only ring that is mine is my engagement ring…and I wish that were an antique.
So, if you love the ring, who cares if it belonged to someone else?
Post # 5
I think it’s sweet that his sister gave it to him for you. Remember this is a ring she once loved, and she wanted you to have it. You might ask for an anniversary band to add to the stack to make it feel more like yours.
Post # 6
anev : oh there’s an idea! Engraving! She could get the matching wedding band engraved with a design she likes, effectively making it a new ring!
Post # 7
Maybe you could customize it a little bit, like add an engraving, or you FH birthstone to the inside of the band, add small stones to the band. Then it would not be the “exact” band that was given in the previous wedding but a gifted ring you made your own. That wouldn’t cost much but would make the ring slightly different enough that it wouldn’t bother you any more.
Post # 8
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the RING. it’s great that you like it and there’s no need to change it. The *off* feeling I’m getting from this post is about the secrecy. I feel like you shouldn’t have to discover the secret hidden past of your ring a few months later. It’s weird to me that he knew you might not like it and his decision was to not tell you. That’s what makes this whole thing less special. In the grand scheme of things if he’s not a serial liar (I assume he’s not since you’re marrying him), it’s not a big deal, but it’s still like…come on dude.
Post # 9
I can understand you being upset but I also think that this was a sweet gesture. I would just go for it. Just think of it as an heirloom piece haha.
Post # 10
Free rings that you actually like? It shouldn’t even be a question! Enjoy your new set bee, that was really sweet of her, enjoy making new memories with them 🙂
Post # 11
kiwibarefootbride : just think about Kate Middleton wearing Princess Diana’s engagement ring. Nobody had a worse time with their husband than she had with the Prince of Wales. At the end of the day, a ring is just some metal and stones crafted together by a jeweller. I ‘stalk’ these boards frequently because I love sparkles but even when people (no offence meant) talk about their unique and custom made settings, I then see another hundred exactly the same. If you don’t want people to know the history of the ring they probably won’t know or care very much. If you love it and it fits your other ring, accept it and wear it with pride.
Post # 12
I have to confess I wouldn’t like it . Not the rings themselves of course but that he didn’t tell me where they were from ,and especially that they had belonged to someone close to us. I’m not clear, sorry, from your post if you didn’t know where either of them were from, or just the wedding ring. (If you were OK with the provenance of the engagement ring, I’m not sure why he wasn’t honest about the wedding ring , thats all)
Anyway. I think I’d rather have a really modest ring that was just mine. Or , if second hand, which I would have no problems with ,an estate/vingage ring from a shop. Its the hidden part PLUS the fact of it being originally my SIL’s rings that would bother me
Post # 13
If it bothers you a lot and if you always have a nagging feeling in the back of your mind about this ring, then perhaps you can also give it to someone else in the future. Maybe it can be an heirloom.
In place of wearing that ring, you can get a nice new wedding ring and wear only that while you put this one away or give it away.
The current ring is the one he proposed to you with, so it will always be your engagement ring, even if you get a new “engagement ring.” So instead of wasting money that way, it would be better to just buy one nice wedding ring instead and wear just that.
There’s no need for two rings.
Post # 15
I have 2 engagement rings, one of which is second hand. My fiance bought the first one from one of those shops that buys/trades gold. I didn’t initially know that it was second hand until we got it re-sized at the same place. I didn’t mind that it was used as I know that he had a small budget and as you say, it’s about the gesture of giving the ring not where it came from.
A few weeks later, we were wedding ring shopping and he pointed a new engagement ring that caught his eye and after discussing it we decided to buy that one together as he wanted me to have something “of my own”. The new ring happens to be more to my taste style wise as well, but I still wear the original ring on my right hand as it will always be the one he asked me with.
I suppose what I am trying to get it is that everyone’s engagment ring has it’s own story, some more unusual than others. If you like the ring and the fact that is second hand isn’t a problem for you then I would keep it and use the money you would have spent on something else.
I actually had the concerns my second ring rather than the 1st. Was I hurting his feelings by having a new one etc. But after conversations my mind was put at rest and I love them both.
You want to be able to enjoy your day so if you have concerns about it talk it through with your fiance and find what works best for the 2 of you and don’t be concerned by anyone else. I hope you find a solution that works for you x