Seconds thoughts before proposal

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do?
    You're ridiculous, marry her! : (7 votes)
    8 %
    Red flags galore, move on. : (60 votes)
    71 %
    Too much nuance for a poll, I'll leave a comment : (17 votes)
    20 %
  • Post # 107
    Member
    625 posts
    Busy bee

    chrisbeme :  she likes Montana. Trust me she’ll have an easier time getting over you than you apparently do. 

    Post # 108
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee

    chrisbeme :  If she would stand up for herself (for lack of a better phrase) and tell you that she deserves better and walks away from the relationship…would you feel relieved and free, or do you think it would cause you to find more respect for her and give you more desire for her?

    I’m curious if this is a respect issue because you can do anything and she still sticks around and continues to try harder.

    Post # 109
    Member
    2459 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Everyone’s saying to trust your gut and go with your feelings, etc. Well they don’t understand you’re an INTJ/INTP analytical type. Not everyone operates and makes decisions the same way.

    You seem more like an INTP to me – you don’t seem to lead with Introverted Intuition, but rather Introverted Thinking. You actually seem quite weak on Introverted Intuition, which would fit with INTP. Extroverted Intuition, the secondary funtion of INTP, is more about noticing patterns, principles, and frameworks in the external world of data and drawing “intuition” from the subconsciouls processing of that data. With weak Introverted Intuition, you are NOT likley to “go with your gut.”

    At any rate, I’m not sure I can be of any help to you. I’m an analytical type with strong feeling element. Both Fiance and I are INFJ’s, so we operate quite well together. I’m not sure I could make it work with someone so opposite to me.

    I hope the discussion here can help your Extroverted Intuition function enough to force your Introverted Thinking to one side or the other. It must be incredibly frustrating to feel stuck on such an important topic. 

    I thought to google INTP’s in the Grip, and what that looks like to see if anything fit, and came across this tidbit that is entirely relevant:

    “Introverted Thinking types may notice and comment on what they consider to be inappropriate, irrelevant, even histrionic communication styles and behavior, which they often attribute to Extraverted Feeling types or Extraverted Intuitive types with auxiliary Feeling (ENFPs).They may treat such people with disdain and in turn may be seen as hypercritical, dismissive, and lacking in social graces.”

    ~http://personalitycafe.com/intp-articles/76783-recognizing-inferior-function-intp.html

    Also, in looking at what can trigger an INTP to go into grip-mode, one INTP shared her experience:  “other people becoming very emotional, excessive control from other people, others encroaching on my responsibilities, having to rely on others who—I feel—are not competent.”

    Two of those triggers seem likely here given your relationship with a feeling type who you feel is somewhat incompetent.

    You seem to take MBTI witha grain of salt, though, so I won’t keep quoting. 

    Post # 110
    Member
    2459 posts
    Buzzing bee

    TinyDove22 :  I like that point. I’m trying to build a profile of the type of woman who could hear all these thoughts of OP’s and have this open line of communication and still want to hang around and “see.” 

    Honestly, this fact combined with the fact that she’s ok with a potential future divorce so long as she gets to have kids paints a very desperate picture in my mind, and I wonder if that’s not the thing holding OP back. 

    I always knew I couldn’t marry someone who placed me up on a high pedestal, as many ex’s did (not because I’m anything great, but because they sensed how ambivalent I was and were “chasing” me.) It felt unhealthy, and the desperation to keep me was a turn-off at the very deepest level.

    Post # 111
    Member
    625 posts
    Busy bee

    Does anyone else feel OP’s relationship is what would’ve happened if Sheldon Cooper had dated Penny?

    Post # 112
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    INTJ female here, married to an ENTP male. I feel like my husband I both had similar concerns before we decided to get married. We are both extreme nerds, but in different ways. We both were very happily single, and both said we have never ever felt lonely by ourselves. It was hard to give that up for the uncertainty of marriage. We were quite different and although we certainly respected each other’s differences, it was stilly pretty terrifying – would we get bored? Stay connected? Eventually drift apart? Would it feel like too much work? Etc ad infinitum. An INTJ friend said to us: you’ll always be scared, the risk is always there. Just ask yourself: can I do it today? Can I be a healthy, happy partner for my SO today? And then do it every day. 

    This advice isn’t for everyone. Certainly not for anyone in a truly toxic relationship. But it was the perspective I needed to move on from my analysis paralysis. It helped me break out of the infinite loop I was stuck in. I didn’t take it to mean that I wouldn’t commit truly and properly to marriage, but I think you’re smart enough to understand the benefit of shifting your focus from what you can’t control to what you can control.

    Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

    Post # 113
    Member
    2459 posts
    Buzzing bee

    calliekalico2 :  Good lord you’re exhausting.

    This man is here to get real help for a real problem, not to get ganged up on by know-it-all posters who are trying to up their mean girl points in order to gain entry to The Mean Bee Society. 

    Give it a rest.

    Post # 114
    Member
    625 posts
    Busy bee

    duchessgummybunns :  haha the last thing I want is entry into the mean bees club. I just dislike OP. The fact that you can relate to him says a lot.

     

    And it’s not a “real problem”. It’s a ridiculous one (I say that fully aware of all the meaningless anxieties I’ve come to the bee about, and never once referred to any of those as “real problems.”)

    Post # 115
    Member
    2459 posts
    Buzzing bee

    calliekalico2 :  I can relate to most people – it’s called empathy. I build bridges instead of insulting and belittling. You should try it. It might help with your “anxiety.”

    Post # 116
    Member
    550 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    Let the poor woman find someone who loves her. I would never trust my fi again if he said even half of the things you’ve said about this lady.

    Post # 117
    Member
    1380 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

    There’s a strong case for staying and a strong case for leaving. This sounds like a really complex issue and there’s no clear answer in these situations. Everyone’s got their opinion but ultimately it’s up to you to decide within yourself if this relationship is sustainable. I would suggest listening to some of Alain De Botton’s talks on youtube (he is a philosophy author and all around brilliant person). There’s this great talk called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”. It’s worth a listen. It’s based on an article he wrote by the same title. Hope this helps.

    Post # 118
    Member
    58 posts
    Worker bee

    I just wanted to point out that the Myers-Brigg’s is not a psychometrically valid or theoretically validated assessment of personality.

    I’m not a psychologist, have not studied psychology, but I do have an interest in it, and I’ve done reading on it.

    Basically the literature shows that personality type will change for 50% of individuals who retest.

    I also believe that I can influence my results by selecting what type of personality I want to be instead of how I actually am. My type has changed many times, and the only really consistent trait is introversion.

    My fiance says he gets INTP every single time. I’ve gotten INTP/INTJ a few times along with some others I don’t remember anymore.

    The point is that I don’t think it’s wise to take these tests for anything more than entertainment. I certainly wouldn’t assume anything of anyone based on their results.

    My fiance is very analytical, but he’s also one of the most compassionate people I know.

    I wish the OP the best in this difficult situation, and hope that everything turns out well regardless of what happens.

    I do agree that contempt is a bad sign, and sometimes people just aren’t right together.

    Post # 119
    Member
    1380 posts
    Bumble bee

    chrisbeme :  There will be other women who you connect with you you aren’t ashamed of. There will be other women who can be good mothers who you would want to show off. There will be other women who love you who you can have deep conversations with.

    The whole tone of what you have said comes off as disdainful. Like you value your own contributions to conversations and your life more than hers. And it’s ok to be incompatible. And it’s ok to take a lot of time to figure that out. But once you’re at a point where you’re ashamed of your partner, it’s not ok to waste their time stringing them along.

    She’s not going to change fundamentally and you’re not going to change fundamentally. You will always be ashamed to introduce her to people if that’s how you feel now. People just don’t fundamentally change. It’s not fair to her to continue in a relationship in which you will always have such negative feelings. And it’s not fair to you to continue a life with someone you feel disdain for.

    Post # 120
    Member
    1175 posts
    Bumble bee

    What’s with the random men posting on here recently. Are they even legit. 

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