(Closed) Secret engagement

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Fashionbride45:  Just don’t bring up an engagement and don’t wear the ring to work until you are full time. It is against the law for an employer to ask you about your martial status. There shouldn’t be questions. Then just wear the ring when you feel comfortable with it. No need to say anything or announce it.

Post # 4
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Don’t make up a story. Just say you didn’t want to be possibly judged on your marital status rather than work ability, or that you routinely don’t wear it to interviews, or something. But don’t lie about it. If they find out, that will be more awkward.

Post # 5
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m applying for more work at the moment, and I don’t wear my engagement ring for two reasons. One, I don’t want them to think that I’m planning on having kids in the near future (even though I am), or that I’ll need time off soon for a honeymoon or whatever. Two, my engagement ring is kinda big and flashy, so I don’t want people looking at it thinking “She’s obviously got a well off partner, she doesn’t need to work.”

Post # 6
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My general rule of thumb: If you have to lie about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.

Post # 7
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre

I don’t want our photographer to use our names in the blog recap for our families because we have pretty unique names and I don’t want that being the first thing to pop up if people are googling me. I’m keeping my last name for professional reasons and really don’t talk about our engagement in professional circles. Being a woman, there are definitely assumptions about your priorities, so I try to keep my personal life pretty quiet so I don’t get pegged as a “certain kind of girl”.

I don’t think there’s any reason to feel bad about not running around telling any future employers about your marital status. And if anyone makes advances, that would really be the only time where it’s necessary to reveal anything (and you don’t van have to I’ve full details there). As long as your Fiance understands that theres a reason you’re not talking about it at work. And start wearing the ring when you feel comfortable. No need for a big announcement since you already did that when you first got engaged. Its old hat at this point. That’s my two cents.

Post # 8
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

I’m in HR and everywhere I’ve worked has been the same thing… if they see a woman with just an engagement ring, they assume she will need a lot of time off for her wedding and then for a baby. If they see a woman with a wedding ring who’s younger (40 or below), then she will either be having babies really soon, or must have young kids and will need time off to take care of them. If it’s a woman over 40 or so and she has a wedding ring, she will need time off to take care of older children, but will most likely be more serious about her job because her kids are older and more self sufficient.

A woman with no ring is usually the safest bet (they think) because she is most likely a while away from a wedding and babies.

Unfortunately, even though all of this is technically “wrong”, it has been discussed in any recruiting department that I have worked in. In fact my boss was just talking about it the other day, she was making assumptions on which girls deserve promotions based on their marital status.

So – after that long winded response, I would keep the ring at home until you get the full time position and then wear it afterwards. They have no right to pry into your personal life so you have every right to keep it private until you want to reveal it. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

@givemecouture:  Ugh, but that’s good to know – I don’t have a ring (yet) but am applying for jobs right now across the country where I’m moving with my SO. I’ll definitely try and steer clear of focusing on my relationship as the reason for the move if they ask and keep my rings off if/when I’m interviewing anytime post engagement. Fucking sucks that men don’t get held to these same standards, though.

Post # 10
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

@MissCalifornia:  I know hey?! It’s so frustrating and wrong. I don’t agree with it at all and when I first found out I was so mad about it… now I’m realising that it seems to be that way no matter what the industry and the kind of people are recruiting. When I was married before I would keep my ring off during the interview process and wear it when I start working

Post # 11
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

@givemecouture:  Yeah, the place I currently work is EXTREMELY sexist and I know the owner has even pointe blank asked several women if they plan on having children to determine whether to promote them or not. I’ve been passed over for a deserved promotion TWICE for a man with less experience or qualifications, even after my former engagement ended and I was on my own. Such BS.

Post # 12
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think this would be totally fine! I work in a very competitive industry, too, and I say do whatever you need to get an edge. I worked three temporary jobs over two years before I got my current full-time position so I feel your pain! I don’t even think it’s lying. For all they know, you just forgot your rings at home. Plus, if you’re having a longer engagement, I think that makes it even more fine. It’s not as if you’ll drop a bomb on them that you need a couple weeks off in a few months or anything. Four years is plenty of time to save up vacation days. Good luck with the job search! 🙂

Post # 13
Member
5569 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@givemecouture:  BLAH. This is so bad. Thanks for the inside perspective though :-/

Post # 14
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@givemecouture:  

Shame to see that nothing has changed.  30 years ago when I was pregnant with Dirty Delete, I stuffed myself into my regluar clothes until my yearly performance review was over with.  The next week I showed up to work in maternity clothes.  Bosses were surprised, but I knew that my pregnancy would affect how I was viewed for promotion and pay raise.

@Fashionbride45:  I agree with the others, don’t wear your ring or mention your engagment until you are settled into your new job.  You will know when the time is right.  You don’t need to give them details. 

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