- 5 years ago
In high school, I began journaling at the behest of my counselor as part of a holistic therapeutic regimen to keep my GAD (anxiety/panic disorder) under control. Ironically, at first, the journaling fed my cycle of anxiety, as I was crippled with fear that my parents would find and it, giving them access to my innermost thoughts, wishes, and secrets. I’m not sure how rational this fear was, but given my mother’s personality type and history, there was likely at least a modicum of validity to my paranoia. My counselor at the time suggested I keep my journal under lock and key, so I bought a small combination lock box to safely store it and some other personal keepsakes.
That turned out to be wonderful advice – it seemed like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and I suddenly felt truly free to express and explore myself within the safe confines of my journal. I began to write poetry; sometimes free form, but I find a certain catharsis in writing haikus. When I am feeling very anxious, I’m easily calmed by distracting myself with this formulaic type of expression.
Until I met my future fiancé, nobody other than my former counselor knew about my love of poetry and writing. My friends are dear to me, but I feel like I have to compartmentalize myself because I know they would mock me for some of my private interests. My very best girlfriend might understand and be accepting of it, but she doesn’t share my passion. As for my parents – I love them very much, but as I was their only child, they always had a certain expectation of what I should be: pretty, bubbly, gregarious, popular, academically successful but for appearances only. They never made it a point to encourage creative pursuits, to put it mildly.
My SO, however, is an artist in every sense of the word – just an extremely creative and well-rounded man. He was the very first person with whom I felt comfortable sharing this aspect of myself. I never felt shy to tell him, either, and having him validate this passion of mine was freeing and exhilarating for me. He’s very musical, and he recently used some of my poetry as lyrics in a beautiful little song. Some have taunted me for my usage of the word “soul mate”, but it is truly the only way I can label the one person in the world I feel so at ease with…the one person who truly loves and accepts me for who I am inside, not just superficially. Also, the fact that our meeting each other was basically an overt Jungian synchronicity, but I digress.
My poems went from: “I acquiesce to/my internal nemesis/forever entombed” to “we melt together/in a state of astral bliss/at last, completion”.
First time I’ve shared anything like this publicly, though admittedly it’s a baby step on a forum where I’ve chosen to retain a high amount of anonymity, but still…
So, do any of you have a hobby that you choose to keep private, or secret? Something maybe that most wouldn’t be able to guess by looking at you?