Secretly eloped, do I still throw shower?

posted 2 months ago in Elopement
Post # 2
6782 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Didnt you already post this?

Post # 3
3720 posts
Sugar bee

They are still hosting a wedding for guests whether they got married legally before or not. I think its shitty to not throw the shower, but I am not as uptight as others about when people officially wed.

Post # 5
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

texasbumble5 :  I am in the same position as your brother and sister in law. My “fiance”/husband and I secretly eloped, and are planning a traditional wedding ceremony and reception in fall of 2020. I wanted to just tell everyone but he fears his family will be mad or hurt and feels they need the experience, and of course everyone wants a wedding at least a little bit deep down even if it is not financially practical. My aunt and my best friend are each throwing me a separate shower (one more formal for family and close friends and one more casual for all friends and coworkers. I would understand and respect your feelings completely, but I too would politely say “don’t worry about it, i’ve got the shower covered” and then I would have my mom, best friend, or even myself plan my bridal shower how I like. If it were me, I would not want you to feel awkward at all; I would just want you to show up with love and support :). You have every right to feel the way you do; don’t feel bad about it, but also don’t out them!

Post # 6
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - Hampton, VA

texasbumble5 :  Honestly I think you should just throw the party. It’s for her and not about you.. (not to sound harsh.) The fact that they got married legally for whatever reason (it could be purley financial) it isn’t really your business. They are still having a wedding & formal celebration.

Post # 7
133 posts
Blushing bee

texasbumble5 :  Why did the elopement make you uncomfortable? What did it change regarding hosting duties?

Post # 8
6626 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

texasbumble5 :  I’m not into the secret marriage thing because I don’t see the point of lying about it to everyone. It seems like that’s usually for reasons of greed. If it was a day or two before, fine, I get it. But half a year?

What’s the reason they eloped? That might alter how I felt about it. ‘Because it was fun and romantic!’ Would not get the same understanding from me as ‘because Bob desperately needed to get on my health insurance.’  She says she still feels like she’s only engaged… are they wearing rings? Having sex? Living together? I guess it sounds nosy but I’d base my decision on this – if they got married because they wanted to and are living as man and wife, then the circumstances are changed and I would also feel uncomfortable throwing the shower. It feels like lying. If it’s just for practical purposes and they really aren’t behaving as a married couple until their ‘official’ wedding day, then I’d feel okay with going forward as originally planned. 

And this is a super hot topic on the bee. Be prepared for a lot of arguing and not much consensus!

Post # 9
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

texasbumble5 :  You’re in the wrong. Is it really worth ruining the entire future relationship you will have with your sister in law over this? Even if you don’t agree with them holding a wedding ceremony after they’ve eloped (and you’re not alone on that) it’s not your place to judge. Are you a sister or the wedding police? And reneging on your offer is a real asshole move. The “get to know you” event is worth less than nothing. You made this commitment, you should keep your word.

You also should try to consider your brother and sister in law’s view of the matter. Clearly they believe a wedding is making vows to one another in front of your friends and family, possibly god, not the legal paperwork. She doesn’t consider herself married because she has not had a wedding ceremony — that’s her call to make, not yours. She is still a bride and they are still going to the expense and hassle of hosting a wedding.

Post # 10
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

texasbumble5 :  As pp said you offered and they are still having the ceremony and inviting guests. It’s kinda sucky to  change the offer. That’s my two cents.

Post # 11
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

A shower is an optional party. The issue isn’t whether it’s shitty of you to host one or not. If you don’t feel comfortable throwing a shower and calling it a shower, that’s your right. 

I am presuming you don’t want to throw a “shower” because you don’t want to be complicit in actively lying to guests about the couple’s legal status. I personally don’t understand all the wedding etiquette fuss about how you can’t call a wedding a wedding if you’re already legally married. I do think it gets a little weird when a couple pretend to not be married until they have the ceremony. There was one poster who kept losing track of when to call her husband her “fiance”.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong. I do think you’re adhering to a wedding etiquette rule that does not make much sense, but I get where you’re coming from. The bride was rude to get mad at you for setting parameters on an OPTIONAL party that someone else is organizing and paying for. Some people don’t get showers at all. I don’t think you should do anything.

Post # 12
6782 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I disagree with the other bees. 

You are under 0 obligation to host a party for them. If they want to lie everyone they know, that’s their business. You don’t have to be involved or reward them for it if you don’t want to. If you’re uncomfortable being part of that, good for you for standing up for yourself. 

Post # 13
8056 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

texasbumble5 :  I don’t think you’re in the wrong. You offered to throw a bridal shower based on the assumption that a wedding hasn’t taken place yet. You then learned that they are secretly married and don’t want to be a part of the secret which is totally valid. No one is entitled to a shower anyways! Just because she doesn’t feel married doesn’t change the fact that legally, she is. 

Post # 14
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

No, I don’t think you’re in the wrong.   

She can consider herself engaged all she likes.  She’s married.

If you don’t want to be complicit in lying (for instance by sending invitations that imply they aren’t married, or by referring to her as a fiance, rather than wife), don’t do it. People can lie to their loved ones all they want; you are not compelled to join them. 

Post # 15
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you’re in the wrong. What difference does it make to you whether she’s legally married or not? I wish all these people claiming they’ve been “lied to” would get off their high horse.

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