Secretly eloped, do I still throw shower?

posted 3 months ago in Elopement
Post # 151
Member
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper

It’s funny, there are threads with men/husbands/bfs meeting with women for lunch/dinner/drinks and not mentioning it to the spouse/OP. People throw down all sorts of accusations that he’s cheating and whatnot, but the biggest thing that is mentioned is that by not telling the spouse, it’s HIDING it, and its LYING by omission. Spouse shouldn’t have to ask: “did you have dinner with jessica last week” for them to come directly out and say it. 

But hiding your legal marriage so you can still have your pretty princess day? TOTALLY FINE GUYS!!! It’s not lying in that case! 

Post # 152
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

justanormalgal :  no one has explained yet how a signature changes anything?

the only reason for anyone to know is so they can be judgey then not go to make a stance and that would make them assholes to be honest.

your being invited to a wedding, NOTHING about the wedding is changed… you still get hosted EXACTLY the same.

Post # 154
Member
4121 posts
Honey bee

 What question? Never mind the question. I get that you are are totally against this and have been  back and forth with others. If you think I’m gonna be doing this well I’m not. You’re gonna feel you are right (that this is lying along with other PPs) and that’s fine. All I’m saying is not everyone here (including me) will be upset and stop talking to the couple and re-evaluate our friendship because I was not told ahead of time that a courthouse ceremony was done ahead of time (prior to the ceremony I was invited to). That does not make us wrong. 

I do not feel that way. I see it as I’m willing to celebrate with the couple whenever they are ready. It does not matter to me if they got married a year before, did not tell me and now she has a bridal shower. All that matters to me is that they remembered to include me to celebrate with family and friends when it was the best time for them. I’m still gonna attend and bring a gift no matter what. I’m not gonna sit here and try to convince you and you cannot convince me likewise.   lifeisbeeutiful :  

Post # 155
Member
6807 posts
Busy Beekeeper

socalgirl1689 :  her question was: 

 If the ceremony is no biggie and just a formality,it’s fine to tell the guests about it, right

Post # 156
Member
4121 posts
Honey bee

I think every ceremony is important or a “biggie” whether it’s just the 2 of you or a second ceremony infront of 150 guests. Some people are private about this and some or not. I think some couples do not share that they did a courthouse ceremony (insurances, migration, other reasons, etc.) because as we can see here, others will deem the second ceremony as not important when it is still important to the couple. In some cases, people will stop talking to them.

I am not gonna lose a friendship or family relationship over this. I get it, not everyone is ready to celebrate  immediately after a courthouse ceremony. Ultimately, this has no effect in my life as a guest even if I had to spend time and money since I will be celebrating with the couple one way or the other. Our officiant said that “20-25 percent” of the weddings he had officiated, the couples had been married prior in the courthouse alone and have asked him to not announce to anyone. I bet most of us here have attended a second ceremony and we just did not know about the first one.

We could go on and on but ultimately, we all have have different feelings over this. Some will see it as lying and some will not. Perhaps this is why there’s a saying that “Weddings bring out the best and worst out of people” because we just have different expectations.  jellybellynelly :  

Post # 157
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

If a tree gets married in the forest and there’s no one there to witness it……

20-25%, wow. Just think of all the weddings you’ve ever gone to that weren’t even “real”! *universe implodes*

 

Post # 158
Member
14 posts
Newbee

justanormalgal :  Do you really think people sepnd THOUSANDS of dollars on a big wedding (to exhange their vows in front of people they love the most) to trick people out of gifts? I can understand the lying angle of this…..but not the gifts angle. If people you were super close to go married at the courhouse due to financail issues and told everyone, you honestly wouldn’t go to thier big wedding or bring a gift?

Post # 159
Member
14 posts
Newbee

lifeisbeeutiful :  I completely agree with this! I wouldn’t care to tell people. I personally dont think its a big deal, but obviously by this thread many people do. How devastating to find out half of the people you think are the most important in your life wouldn’t show up or bring a gift to a beautiful celebration (essentially a party that is being paid for that you get to have fun at) of your love! 

Post # 160
Member
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Bee614 :  

Still missing the oft repeated point. No-one, absolutely no-one, is saying couples shouldn’t do the legal marriage first, and have a celebration (religious or otherwise ) later,  for any reason whatsoever .

For those cultures where the legal marriage is commonly and usually in advance of the religious ceremony there is probably no need for the couple to say anything as everyone is aware of the arrangements and no deception is involved. 

The issue in this and similar threads is where people (again, for whatever reason, the specific reason   is never the issue, tho the pro secrecy crowd always try to make it so) marry legally, enjoy the social and financial benefits thereof but insist that it isn’t a marriage.

 The argument ranges from not feeling or acting married, to it only being a signature/document/piece of paper etc etc. Legally and socially speaking they simply are married, you don’t need a ring or a dress or a party to be married, but you do need that document if you want your insurance or whatever benefits. That’s because that despised and sidelined document proves you are , you know, married.

People, apart from those mentioned in my first para, who hide this fact are being disingenuous to say the least. This and pretty much this alone is what people object to, that the lie by omission means they are not in an informed position  to choose to attend. This goes quadruple for DW’s. 

Post # 161
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Showers don’t have to be before someone is married – the idea is showering someone with gifts, whether for marriage or a baby. Sounds like they could still use a lot of things to set up their life together and could benefit from the generosity of friends/family, regardless of whether they’ve signed their marriage license or not. I would put the relationship with my SIL first.

Post # 162
Member
971 posts
Busy bee

megm1099 :  One legal reason to marry would be that married couples do not have to testify against one another. 

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