Secretly eloped, do I still throw shower?

posted 2 years ago in Elopement
Post # 46
Member
678 posts
Busy bee

You are in a tough spot. I’m sorry. I’m usually on board with hi if they want to have a wedding/religious ceremony after their legal wedding that’s fine and I would still go to it but on the other hand I assume they are adults and part of being an adult is having to take responsibility and dealing with consequences of their actions. They got married by eloping now they can’t really expect bridal shower (which is silly anyway since they live together and should have everything they need), bachelorette party etc. If they still want to go ahead with a religious ceremony by all means go ahead 

Post # 47
Member
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t understand why you would give a family member or close friend a gift when they got married and you were there but you wouldn’t if it was just the two of them at the ceremony, but still had a reception. 

I seriously don’t understand the difference, can someone genuinely explain the thought process to me?

In my opinion I’m giving them a gift to celebrate the new chapter of their life. 

Post # 48
Member
2056 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

At the end of the day, no matter the reason they do what they do, no matter whether you throw them a shower or not, they are deceiving their guests and keeping their legal marriage a secret. 

And that feels so wrong.

View original reply
zzar45 :  If they were open about it, I wouldn’t be so shifty-eyed, absolutely.

Post # 49
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

no one has any right to witness you sign a legal contract, thats all the legal part is.

I have no idea why people get annoyed about this, would you also not go to a house warming without seeing the lease/morgage get signed? or not go to a birthday party without seeing the birth certificate and insist on only going on the exact day?

How can you possibly be offend at someone hosting you regardless of timeline.

Post # 50
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
zzar45 :  there is no difference. People just like the get upset for small technicalities and cause drama. 

View original reply
sept20 :  exactly.

 

Post # 51
Member
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Interesting, there are many comments saying that a bridal shower isn’t appropriate because their “wedding” isn’t the legal bit so it seems like for most people it isn’t to do with being open or not. 

View original reply
megm1099 :  

Post # 52
Member
1567 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
sept20 :  100% agree

Post # 53
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

One of my close girlfriends got engaged and began planning her dream wedding-  surging contracts, putting down nonrefundable deposits- as one does.  Several months into the engagement, she found out she was expecting.  Her due date was a few months prior to the wedding, and it was important to her to be legally married prior to the birth of her baby.  So her and her FH became legally married, had the baby, and went on to have her wedding as planned.  She didn’t share the legal marriage with the majority of her guests, and once the news was out, not one person was less happy for them or get “tricked”.

One of my husbands good friends, which he was a groomsman, had an out of town wedding, which unfortunately meant some of the elderly grandparents could not attend.  It was important for the couple to have that family be apart of their wedding, so they had a court house wedding a few weeks prior to their wedding day with the grandparents as witnesses.   Then a ceremony and a reception as planned a few weeks later.  Again, everyone knew and everyone was nothing but thrilled for the couple.

I honestly don’t understand the big offense here.  If you love the couple and are genuinely happy for their marriage, why does it matter to you the way they are doing things?  I just find it so bizziarw and judgemental.

Post # 54
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

I’m doing this. I hate the idea of anyone actually watching me get married. My Fiance and I are eloping and will have a fancy party sometime later with family and friends. Everyone’s really excited.

I think what the OP is hung up on is the “lying”, that a “bridal shower” implies that two people aren’t legally married yet and so calling it this feels dishonest (although the definition of all these parties is hardly set in stone…). Fine, whatever, let your conscience be your guide. The bride said she found someone else who would throw it, though, so that’s that really. There just seems to be some lingering awkwardness, and….yeah. You’re just going to have to live with that.

You can’t undo hurt feelings. An apology might be in order if you really value your relationship with your brother and his wife. Give it some time, attend their wedding with gratitude, show them that you’re happy for them. Or don’t, but don’t expect to be especially close to them afterward in that case. Sometimes our loved ones make decisions we have a hard time supporting and we have to decide what matters more, our relationship with them or our opinion on the subject.

Post # 55
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

So it seems that consensus on here is that nobody is owed an invitation to your wedding or to have any input/opinion on how you choose to celebrate.  However,  you are owed a bridal shower and all other prewedding celebrations when you elope and nobody is allowed to prioritize your post elopement celebration any less than a wedding,  regardless of the time and money it costs them to attend.  (You being the general you)  Op, didn’t revoke her offer of a party.  She still offered but what she was offering was a party that didn’t prioritize gifts and that’s obviously what this comes down to.  Sil wants gifts or else she’d be happy with what was being offered.  

Post # 56
Member
2886 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t understand why some are taking issue at the OP’s refusal to host a “shower” after a wedding. The term shower is to indicate that you are showering someone with gifts. It implies a gift giving event, and it is traditionally before the event it’s in prep for. You don’t have a baby shower after the birth of a baby – you have it before. You have a bridal shower to shower the bride before a wedding. The OP isn’t judging her SIL or refusing to celebrate her. She just doesn’t want to perpetuate the notion that the event is a shower to shower a bride with gifts before her wedding, when the bride is actually a married woman now. The OP was fine with offering a celebratory party, but didn’t want to include misleading words. 

The fact that the SIL is not fine with a party, and is insistent it be called a shower, means that she wants people to think she isn’t married yet, and she wants gifts. The SIL is disingenuous and wrong in this scenario. 

Post # 57
Member
14170 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
zzar45 :  “I don’t understand why you would give a family member or close friend a gift when they got married and you were there but you wouldn’t if it was just the two of them at the ceremony, but still had a reception.”

For the same reason that some people choose to send a gift if they are not invited to a wedding at all and others do. I always send a gift to someone close, invited or not, and to any wedding I attend, but to a boss’s daughter whom I’ve never met, and I’m not invited to the wedding, probably not. If someone gets married privately and then has a party many months later, gifts are neither customary or obligatory, just like an engagement party, which, is not a gift giving event, either. I may choose to be quite generous, and probably will be, but the event itself is simply not of the same magnitude or significance to many people, and that’s their prerogative. 

Why do you think people lie in the first place? They know very well that their guests may feel this way. 

Post # 58
Member
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

The only reason people lie is to manipulate their guests into attending and giving gifts. There’s no other reason to be dishonest with the people you care about enough to invite to your wedding other than you want to control their behavior and choices. 

That’s my grievance. I do not care at all about when someone does the legal bit versus when they have the party bit. I’ve gone to a wedding that took place a year after the legal bit, that’s not the issue. It’s the lying and manipulation of loved ones that annoys me. 

Post # 59
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Are we all seriously going to just ignore that the reason SIL is upset may actually have more to do with how OP made her *feel* than getting gifts? 

Why does everyone on this board seem to always jump to the conclusion that everyone who has feelings about anything to do with their own wedding is just looking for gifts? It’s ridiculous! 

I have no interest in a wedding shower and will decline should anyone offer to host one, and I don’t particularly like the idea of them in the first place and generally don’t attend them. But the issue here isn’t that OP changed the event to a non gift giving event. It’s that she essentially told her SIL that she disapproves if the way they have chosen to go about their wedding and that the wedding they are planning doesn’t “count” / that she values it less. That’s hurtful. 

Post # 60
Member
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

View original reply
sboom :  OP did not at all say that she thought their wedding didn’t count. She never even implied that. All she said was she wasn’t comfortable hosting a bridal shower when the couple was already married. She was fine throwing them a party in general. She never said she didn’t agree with the fact the got married privately, she just didn’t want to be a part of them lying  about it by hosting a bridal shower.

And she did say this was the case, but in the discussion of feelings, what about finding out your sibling lied to you about being married? It’s one thing to have a family member elope and find out afterwards, which can be hurtful in itself, but what about finding out your sibling eloped and lied about it, and fully planned on continuing to lie about it had the information not been leaked? Not saying OP had any of those kinds of feelings, but those are also legitimate feelings that shouldn’t be dismissed. 

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