(Closed) Secretly switching out the stone?

posted 10 years ago in Rings
Post # 32
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

While I can certainly understand wanting something different, I cannot understand why in the world you would think that lying to your Fiance (directly or by omission) is in anyway a great way to conduct a relationship or move into a marriage. Never mind wearing the result of that lie as a symbol of that marriage on your finger! And you would “have” to continue the lie. What if he noticed it was a lower colour (some people are colour sensitive) or bigger, or checked the certificate and noticed it was different than what he had bought, or whatever else. Would you keep lying?

Even aside from all the other considerations – like insurance coverage, and that you could be making a huge financial output that impacts both of you, or that you may go lower quality (and I do not mean colour here, as I like lower colours, but other things) that lie to me is HUGE.

In my view, honesty, trust, authenticity, and strong and healthy communication are integral to a healthy relationship (as are many other things, but those are pertinent here!). None of which would be respected or honoured if you did this, and if you don’t have those, you honestly should not be getting married. We are talking about talking about a physical object, there are going to be far rougher conversations in your future!

Sit down with your Fiance and share that you love the ring, but had hoped for a larger stone. If it is do-able for you both AND your budget, then start searching for a lovely new stone. But gosh, do NOT switch it out without talking to him about it!

 

Post # 33
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Wow, no. I would not do this.

Post # 34
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you need to discuss this with your Fiance. Doing this behind his back is a bad idea.

Why exactly do you want a 2ct stone so much? 2ct visually is not that much bigger than 1.5ct. I’m not sure why you think the loss in quality would be worth it.

Post # 35
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@DeathByDesign:  While I don’t think a lower colour is a bad thing, I do think that if she went lower in other aspects, like cut, she may be sorely disappointed to find a larger stone may not actually LOOK larger anyway! Or she may end up with some less desirable inclusions, etc.

To keep the cut quality excellent-ideal, and jump to a 2ct is going to be a BIG cost premium, even if she goes down in colour. To me, not only the lying in general, but also hiding such a huge cost (I am assuming they do not share finances yet so she could “hide it”) is also setting a bad precedent if they are embarking on marriage.

Post # 36
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

As an old married bee, I am telling you right now don’t even go down this path!

Many of us here did not get our “dream ring” when we got engaged.  1.5ct is way above the average size of an engagement ring across the US (the average is something like 0.5ct) so you already have a great diamond to start with.  The fact that your Fiance surprised you with a “perfect” diamond means he obviously put a lot of thought into it.

As others have suggested, put yourself in his position.  You spend thousands of dollars on your significant other – probably the biggest gift you will ever purchase for someone.  And they decide it’s not good enough (because that’s really what you’re saying wanting a 2ct) and switch it out behind your back.  I would be pissed and quite frankly, would have serious doubts marrying someone that would do that.

And it would be complete insurance fraud too.  If that ring were ever stolen or missing, the insurance company would have every right to refuse payment on that policy.

Think long and hard about this.

 

 

Post # 37
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

2ct vs 1.5ct is hardly noticable, even with similar quality stones.  You’re looking at your amazing 1.5 diamond and thinking a 2ct is going to look bigger.  This is incorrect–since the quality is going to be lower they will appear to be about the same size and the 2ct is going to look a lot worse than the 1.5 ever did.  Good cut and quality makes a diamond appear larger than it is.  

While I think that it’s ridiculous that you would want to switch it out at all, it’s your ring and if .5 of a ct makes *that* much of a difference to you, you should talk to your fiance.  Switching out a stone like that would very likely result in a breakup.

Post # 38
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would never do that.  Im very attached to whatever my fiance picked out and proposed with.  When my ring was getting resized, there was a danger that the side diamonds would pop out if we resized it more than 2 sizes, so it was recommended that we just switch my ring out for the another setting in my size.  (My fiance grossly overestimated my ring size)  Even though it would look the same as the ring he proposed in, I didn’t want the new setting.  Against everyone’s advice, I was adamant about resizing my ring to the smallest size the jeweler is able to, and I’ll just fatten up to fit it, haa.  I was so stubbornabout not getting a new setting because it wouldn’t be the ring he proposed with. Sure, it would look the same, but it wasn’t the one he got down on one knee with.  It wouldn’t be the ring that he nervously carried in his pocket the night he proposed.  I had grown attached to my ring immediately and didn’t want anything else.  

I think you should really think about what your ring means to you.  I think he spent a good deal of time getting you the best diamond without sacrificing quality.  What is so special about a 2 carat that is willing to make you want to switch and not tell him?  A bigger stone of lower quality would also likely not sparkle as much as yours.  I know it’s your dream ring, but what would that ring represent if you tricked your fiance?

Post # 39
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

I am also an old married bee and you should not go behind his back. Be open and honest tell him how you feel. Being dishonest with your Fiance or DH is a horrible way to start a relationship or to have happen in your relationship. Dont do it girl just tell him the truth you will be better off in the long run I promise!

Post # 40
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@GelaMac:  OK…you win as the longest married bee on this thread Wink

Post # 41
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with all that has been said so far. Also, OP depending on how small your finger is other people might already think that your ring is 2 carats by just looking at it. If it bothers you this much to know that you want to change it the best course of action is to be honest with your fiance about it and maybe he will surprise you with an upgrade for an upcoming anniversary/ birthday. Sure it might hurt your fiance’s feelings to realize that you aren’t happy with the ring but it might hurt him a lot more if you went behind his back and changed the stone.

Post # 42
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@KatNYC2011:  I agree with this completely.  

My Fiance put a lot of time into finding the right diamond, and it is very sparkly.  He will even make comments if it hasn’t been cleaned in a while that it isn’t sparkling much and needs a cleaning.  So, if your Fiance spent the time to find you a high quality diamond, he may notice the lower sparkle.  Also, do you not think he’ll notice a .5 carat difference?  

The insurance is definitely something to consider, too.  If the diamond is insured, it will make the policy null and void, even though your Fiance will keep paying on it, while the new diamond in your ring won’t actually be insured.

I know many women aren’t necessarily pleased with the ring their Fiance picks out for them, so I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a different (i.e., bigger) diamond.  BUT, lying to your Fiance about it is a bad idea, In My Humble Opinion.  He will be so hurt if/when he ever finds out.

Post # 43
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

@country chic:  lol girl….I know that I have fibbed to my hubby some small stuff like how much those shoes actually cost or how much I paid for the new kitchen appliances but I would be scared outta my head to lie about my e-ring and what I did to it behind his back. When you are married a long time you know when to pick your battles. He does sound like he put alot of thought into what he picked and she really needs to be honest in this situation and I agree totally with your post.

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@Running Shoes:  talk to him…take it from the old ones lol

Post # 44
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If starting off your marriage by lying to his face as opposed to having a discussion isn’t enough to have you reconsider,  be aware that by switching out the stone and lying about it, you will nullify your insurance policy and possibly cause your husband to be accused of insurance fraud if there is ever a need to file a claim on the ring for loss or damage.   This conversation would be a LOT more awkward 5 years down the road if you lost the ring than it would be right now.

Post # 45
Member
1797 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I love my fiance and loved my promise ring until we had it custom made into my engagement ring.  I hated the new design…it cost a thousand or so just to redesign the ring…

I told my fiance right away that I wasn’t sure what I was feeling.  I waited it out a few days until I knew for sure it was not the right ring for my engagement ring.  We decided on a new ring together and I wear the other on my right hand.

So, I asked how he felt about the whole thing.  He said he was sad at first because he had designed the ring.  He said that in the end he wants me to wear a ring I’m excited about.  Since I now have two rings he always makes sure I’m wearing both, the engagement on my left hand and the promise ring on my right.  It means a lot to him.

I have no idea what’s right for you but I think my fiance would have been heartbroken if I changed the ring without him knowing. 

Post # 46
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If it’s that important to you, talk to him about it. You’ll feel so much better having it out in the open. Just think, if you lie to him, you have to live with it for the rest of your life.

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