(Closed) Secrets & Nasty Habits

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d be really upset at first, too, but I also know that people hide things out of shame. I used to do the same with candy and junk food when it was “banned” in my house when I was a child. I’m sure my mom would’ve been pissed if she found out i was stuffing ding dongs behind their backs. I know a ding dong is less threatening than snuff, but too many ding dongs leads to obesity. Just like snuff can lead to cancer. But i dated a guy who chewed once. Oh it was gross. I couldn’t stand kissing him. It was just icky, but it was a habit he picked up in Afghanistan.

If he wants to quit, all you can do is encourage him to do so. He wants to do it, let him. Encourage him. But be careful about asking him about it too much–he may give up or feel chided over it. It’s better just to be encouraging, ask how it’s going and just say, “is there anything i can do to help?” Tell him you’re proud of him and you’re glad he’s making a healthier lifestyle change. It has to be his battle. My mom recently quit smoking and it’s really hard on her. But she HAS to do it because she’s having surgery and can never smoke again. But my dad hasn’t quit so i see the affect it has on her.He gets mad she’s in a bitchy mood so often (hello that’s what happens when you quit!) and is not as supportive as she needs him to be. Try not to get frustrated with him–he’ll probably be in a bad mood while he’s getting off the nicotine.

Is there anything you can do to make yourself healthier so it feels more like a team thing? I know i’ve been encouraging Darling Husband to go to the gym more (he’s getting kinda lazy, lol) but he has commented that seeing ME go makes him want to go, too. Like I’m leading by example? Then he won’t feel like he’s the only one getting healthy, but you’re doing something, too. Just not the same thing.

Post # 4
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

so sorry that you are going through this! i don’t know if i have advice, i just wanted to share my similiar situation. my ex bf was a smoker. every few years, i would catch him, and he would promise to quit. we’d go out and buy a patch for him and all sorts of things to try to help. (it was a long distance relationship, so it wasn’t as hard for him to keep it from me, but still awful that he lied). after 7 1/2 years of dating, i broke up with him because of yet another lie. after that, he told me that he smoked throughout our entire relationship. i think he thought if he was honest with me, i’d take him back. yeah right. what i learned from all of this- i don’t feel comfortable with someone who would lie to me about anything. little lies can turn to big lies and you never know what’s the truth and that’s not the way to have a relationship.

that being said, everyone’s relationship is different, you know your guy and you’re the only one who knows what’s right.

Post # 5
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I say try to just support him and I think ejs’s suggestion of making some healthy choices for yourself too is a great one.  Also, I don’t know if this will work for your guy, but I know a few people who have had great success using Chantix.  I felt like my Fiance was dishonest with me about something I felt was major and it’s been hard to build the trust back.  Our situation was different because what he wasn’t telling me wasn;t something he was lying about, just something personal that upset me.  I feel much more secure now than I did 2 months ago but it can be hard.  You have days it doesn’t cross your mind much, and days where you want to go home early to see you if you can “catch him” in the act because it bothers you so much.  It’s hard to get through but it can be done.  I’d say communication is key because I think he needs to know how serious you are about it and how far you’re willing to go if it doesn’t get better.  I agree that an ultimatum is bad, but when you put it in terms of him being around for his future children and the health problems that concern you, hopefully he’ll understand. 

Post # 7
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Support and help him. It isnt easy to quit. He will need you on his team not nagging him.. I know because I was a smoker. Hardest thing to do is quit but with my guys help and encourgement not getting on me and understanding it worked out for the best. Alot of people hide it. I did from family and co workers etc. Its not because I was being sneaky its because people judge. Nothing is worse than being judged by people you love or care for.

Post # 8
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

My gut reaction is that it is a big deal, but not AS big as you seem to be making it. I understand that the biggest part of it is probably the hurt that he hid it from you…. but of all the things he could hide from you I think this is pretty tame. Its a totally selfish vice that doesn’t really affect you. He was (understandably, bc its nasty) ashamed. I hope that you two can work together to rebuild the trust you once had in him. 

Post # 10
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It may take a few times, just keep that in mind. Not many people quit on their VERY first try. I know it took my mom quite a few times to quit smoking! She was on Chantix the first time she quit, then decided “eh i miss ciggies” and went back but said Chantix 2worked great. Now she’s required to quit and back on Chantix and still going strong.

Just keep supporting him. Expect him to fail once or twice or get really frustrated. Then you won’t see it like he’s just “giving up”. If you expect it, you can encourage him back on the band wagon.

I know my mom really appreciate it when I ask her how she’s doing and how she’s handling not smoking. It’s easy to forget she’s still fighting the urges. Tell him you’re proud of him

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My dad is like that–always saying “oh i can quit if I WANT to..i just don’t WANT to. I don’t get why everyone says it’s so hard”. mmhmm. It’s an act. We all know addiction to nicotine is more than ‘mind over matter’ for 90% of people addicted to it.

Maybe he’s just psyching himself into it, telling himself he can do it, no big deal, etc. I tell myself that when i’m getting ready to do something tough.

I dunno what stage she’s in., Permanent definitely. She knows if she has a cigarette, her blood won’t clot properly and she can mess up the titanium plate and the healing process–they’re putting a big ass plate in her back and it’s no small matter so she’s basically scared off the cigarettes, haha. She hasn’t had a cigarette in at least a month. I’ll have to ask her…i really don’t know. This post reminds me i should check up on her though =]. My dad DID said she was a HUUUUUGe Bia last week. It makes her moody and exhausted.

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