(Closed) Secrets on the wedding day

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3101 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Loosen the reins on this guy. Man, if I had someone quizzing my every movement I would go crazy. Who cares if he played a song? Does it matter? You’re stressing out over something minor. If my SO goes out all I hear is ‘I met with xyz for a beer.’ I don’t need to know every detail. 

Post # 5
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I feel you’re being a wee bit too wound up. He had a drink, he may even have had two (who knows!), and he played some music with his buddies. Was that really something you absolutely HAD to know before the wedding? Would it have affected your decision to marry him? Are you worried he cheated on you or something?

Post # 6
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@kris325:  I don’t understand. He doesn’t seem like he hid anything, but rather did not bring it up the first time. Unless he wrote out his timeline detail for detail, I am sure there are other small things he did that night as well (i.e., ate some food, talked with certain people, etc). 

I honestly think you are making a huge mountain out of a tiny mole hill. If you don’t relax and loosen up, you will make him resentful and you will become very anxious and stressed.

Post # 7
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

And another thing. Honestly why do you care? I’m sure that’s what was going through his mind when he “withheld” this information from you.. that it really wasn’t that important. (and I say “‘withheld’ this information” sarcastically). I go out and get a drink with some girl friends every now and then and neglect to tell my Fiance the great details half the time. Granted, we don’t live together, but we don’t *hide* things from each other. We just don’t bog each other down with unimportant stuff that doesn’t matter, it’s a waste of breath and energy.

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Man, you gotta relax.

There is a BIG difference between NOT HAVING SECRETS and wanting to know each and every detail of another person’s life (what they drank, ate, who they were with, what time, what song, etc)

Unless there is something you haven’t told us

(Such as he’s cheated on you before, and did it when hanging out drinking beers and playing with his band)

You are being waaaay too controlling.  This won’t bode well for your relationship / marriage.

He is a grown man, you are a grown woman… you are allowed (expected actually) to have seperate lives.

Marriage is about two people TRUSTING one another 100% and CHOOSING to share their lives… not about one person not trusting the other, and interogating them continually.

THAT is poison.  It will kill your Marriage quicker than you can say “Where’d ya go?”

 

Post # 9
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@This Time Round:  +100

You need to let him be his own person, sweety.  These aren’t secrets.  They’re minor details in this crazy thing we call life.  Let him live his. 

Post # 10
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@kris325:  I understand that you want an open, honest marriage. But I don’t think that this counts as a “secret”. Relax and don’t start your marriage off with such a negative attitude. Do you want to look back and think that the first few weeks of marriage were you not trusting your husband? Especially since stress may cause a seizure, you need to trust him. 

Post # 12
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@kris325:  I think his decision to not tell you on your wedding day because he didn’t want to upset you or stress you out on an already stressful day isn’t a secret.  It doesn’t sound to me like he did anything wrong or was intentionally hiding it.  The fact that he said, “That’s all we did” and didn’t remember until later that they also played a song together really is irrelevant.  It happens, people are human, memories are imperfect.  I think you need to let it go unless there is something else you’re not telling us that makes you not trust him?

Post # 13
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t ask my husband for every detail about his life. I don’t need to know who he went out with, when he went out with them, where they went, what they did, who had what to drink, who didn’t drink, what they talked about, who went and took a piss, who went home early..

I am his wife. Not his parent. If he doesn’t tell me something that doesn’t mean he’s hiding something, or trying to keep something a secret.

You don’t need to know every last detail about his life. Sucks, but that’s how it is. Not telling you something is not hiding something or keeping a secret.

You need to chillax.

Post # 14
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hi OP, i have read some of your previous posts, and while I mostly see where you’re coming from, like when your then fiance disregarding your feelings about strip clubs, I think you should let this one go.

I pick and choose my battles with my SO, some things I will stand my ground, and some I will let go. This really isnt worth it, in my opinion, and its such a pity to let something so small negatively impact your wedding day.

It cant be helped that he doesnt completely understand why you are so upset, and to be honest it doesnt sound like many of us do either. You can’t help the way you feel, so dont worry about justifying it.  Since he just doesnt get it, just tell him that whatever the circumstances were, it happened, and you are upset about it, and in future all you want is that he lets you know when he goes out. Which is fair enough!

Good luck, and congrats on your wedding btw!

Post # 15
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@kris325:  I just read your post about the strip club. I take it you guys are Christians? My Fiance and I are as well, and I would never tolerate the strip club fiasco, nor would he ever go – out of love and respect for GOD and for me as an extension of that. Now I could be completely wrong, but from what you said you sound like practicing Christians and your Fiance should know better! For anyone to expect you to be anything but on edge and suspicious after that is a stretch. Of course you are worried! He broke your trust! I don’t think what he did this time was so bad, but on the heels of what already happened it is completely understandable why you are upset. I don’t think anyone who is not a Christian can fully understand why you would be as upset as you are. Like you said, Jesus himself said whomever so much as looks at another woman with lust has committed adultery. 

I think you need to address the real problem, why you are really so upset. It’s not bc he went out with his friends and played some music – it’s bc you feel as though you can’t trust him and that sucks.

Post # 16
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@kris325:  when you say ‘hiding it’ he probably thinks ‘just didn’t say it’. 

you’re looking for an intent to ‘hide it’ that isn’t there. 

when i go out to a lounge with my girlfriends and come home and tell me SO we had a few drinks and chatted, i’m not ‘hiding’ that we also got a piece of cheesecake and a guy hit on my friend. i’m just not telling him – because it’s not important – who cares?!

if my SO was going on about how i chose to ‘hide’ that part of the story – i’d go insane. let. it. go. 

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