Post # 1
I am in a situation which I need some advice for.
As you know, I love my boyfriend more than anything and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. The issue is that there is something I haven’t told him. This is in fact something I am so ashamed of that I don’t even talk to my closest friends about it. So here goes:
When I was 18, I had a brief affair with a married man aged 30. I met him in a club, and as soon as he walked in I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. He was there with his wife, so I obviously knew that he was married from the moment we met. I was there with some friends and we were introduced through a mutual friend. That evening we did nothing but chat, and at the end of the evening he asked for my phone number.
I honestly didn’t think I would ever hear from him and I wasn’t sure I wanted to either seeing that he was married, but a few days later he called me and wanted to meet. One part of me said it was wrong, but the other stupid and immature part of me told me to go for it. So we ended up meeting, and we ended up in bed together even though I knew it was wrong. Before we slept together he told me all about his alleged marital problems and that he was leaving his wife and that he was in the process of moving out from their home (which of course later turned out to be a lie). Now, after this encounter he texted and called me a few times, and then I moved to the UK for university. When I went home again for Christmas a few months later I met up with him again, and we slept together for the last time.
I suppose I let him talk me into sleeping with him because I was young and immature, and really flattered that an older and so gorgeous guy like him could be interested in me. Of course I felt a nagging guilt for having slept with a married man, so I broke all contact with him shortly after Christmas and have never spoken to him since.
I have told very few people of this because I am quite ashamed of this, but now I am wondering if this is something I should tell my boyfriend? He is the man I want to marry, so I am not sure if it’s right to keep this a secret from him like I have done so far?
Post # 3
One thing I don’t think you owe a partner is the nitty-gritty of your previous sex life. You didn’t cheat on him, and it is something you won’t ever repeat. Unless he wants total honesty in all past relationships (which I would be surprised if he does), I don’t think you should tell him.
Post # 4
Hm. I guess it depends. If you and your Fiance talk about past relationships–then I would tell him. If you’re one of those couples who NEVER discuss previous people than I guess not. I would treat it the same as you would treat any of your past stories…. Fiance and I know about eachother’s pasts, so I would have told my Fiance. But a lot of my friends don’t share their pasts with their SO’s and visa versa. Every couple is different.
If you feel guilty about this, and feel the need for Fiance to know your “deep dark secrets”, then you should probably get it off your chest.
Post # 5
I don’t think you need to unless (1) he’ll find out eventually from someone else you told or (2) you and he have openly discussed many of your other past relationships so it’s strange/inconsistent that this hasn’t been shared yet. My Fiance and I really don’t discuss past relationships so if it were me, I wouldn’t feel the need to share this. As long as you learned from it and would never cheat or do something like it again, I don’t think you’re doing him any favors to tell him. I think it’s actually more selfish to share this kind of thing if it’s fully in the past and he’d probably rather not know but you just want to clear your conscience.
Post # 6
my policy is open honesty.
it’d be hard, but i think that you could use it to grow together, and he’d appreciate that you’re being truthful.
Post # 7
I don’t see any reason to tell him. It’s in the past and has nothing to do with him.
Post # 8
Well, I usually don’t talk about my past boyfriends because my previous relationships were never that long or never really serious, so I don’t see a need for it. BF has told me about his previous relationships, but he is more open like that than I am. I guess I just don’t see much need to talk about it – it’s in the past.
The thing is that I really feel this is my “darkest secret” so to speak, but I never tell people because I am really worried I will get judged or they will think that I am a whore or something like that 🙁
Post # 9
Think of it this way–you’ve now shared a deep, dark secret with us, and no one is judging you for it. Everyone needs to vent (and we all have our own deep, dark secrets), so maybe just sharing it here on the board can be the cathartic vent that you needed. I can understand why you’re having a hard time deciding, but I agree with other posters that it depends on your relationship with him and how open you are about sharing past relationships. It sounds like he’s more open about discussing exes than you are, which is totally fine. I’m sure he realizes that you are a bit more reserved about it, and he probably understands that you have a different level of detail that you’re comfortable with. As long as he’s not insisting that you tell him everything about your past, I doubt he expects you to be as big on full disclosure as he is. Everyone has a past, and I’m sure he’d be understanding if you did tell him and would not think that it’s any reflection on your future together. So I say tell him if you want to, but do not feel obligated to do so. Good luck!
Post # 11
I agree with WeeBirdy: I don’t think you should feel pressure one way or another regarding this secret.
I come from a very open-minded perspective and I don’t think you did anything to be ashamed of. It’s not your fault that guy cheated, it’s his. You bedded a guy you were hot for and you quit when you wanted to.
All of this happened pre-fiance, so you shouldn’t feel any need to tell him.
Post # 12
Ugg. I’m sorry. This must be a real struggle. I wish I had good advice, but I don’t. The only thing I do feel strongly about is that if you do decide to tell him, now would be much better than later, closer to the wedding.
On one hand, it doesn’t cream at me to be someting you have to tell him. BUt on the other hand, that is big news. If my husband had that secret from me, and I found out about it later, I would be really upset. But if he told me about it himself, I wouldn’t be that upset. Maybe I liken it to the ability to be open about it sounds to me to be more of a sign of maturing from it, or moving on. Whereas still keeping it a secret kind of turns it into a bigger deal.
IDK. If it’s going to eat at you, it might be better to tell him. You were so young and immature, it seems less of a testimony of your relationship with him, and more simply being a “secret”, which characteristically, you feel like you don’t like to keep from your Fi.
Post # 13
@classysolo: I usually go with the policy that the sex I had before BF is none of his business, and vice versa. I don’t like hearing details about my BF’s sexual past and I certainly don’t feel comfortable sharing mine with him. The reason why I am considering telling him this is simply because it kinda feels like a big deal because it was so wrong.
I don’t think I am going to tell him, I just needed to know that it’s not wrong or deceitful of me to keep this a secret.
Post # 14
I don’t think you should tell him unless the conversation arises… My boyfriend and I were always very honest about our sex lives previously… Mostly because while my ex-fi was cheating on me I was starting a relationship with Jason (not my finest moment, but we love eachother) so we wanted to be honest about everything since Jason ex-wife cheated on him, so shortly after I left my ex him and I were joking about how many people we’ve slept with, and he jokingly said “I bet you’ve slept with more people than I have”… so we made a list… His was longer, we laughed about it then we burnt it. But there are some stories I wish I didn’t know (his threesome in college? no thanks), and he also likes to point out which girls he’s slept with when we’re out, his reasoning is that he doesn’t want me to hear anything and think he was hiding it from me… which for us works, do I love it? No, I get a little jealous because alot of them are SUPER pretty… But I like that he is that honest because with our histories I would totally question if I overheard some girl saying she had slept with my boyfriend, I would just assume it was since we’ve been together… So for our relationship it works, but it’s not for everyone.
good luck. And don’t feel too guilty, you can’t change what happened, the important thing is you learned from it, it’s something you wouldn’t do again. You live, you learn, you have to move on 🙂
Post # 15
Uh, No…No…and NO!!!! The only one who is going to feel better is YOU!!! How is telling him going to make anything that you did any different? You are only going to cause your boyfriend pain and he does not deserve that. You may feel better getting this off your chest, but he will have this new piece of information forever ingrained in his. It sounds like you learned a tough life lesson and will not make that mistake again. I doubt that your boyfriend is perfect either. Let sleeping dogs lie!
Post # 16
@futuremominlaw: that’s my strongest argument for not telling him, and precisely the reason why I won’t. I just needed to hear that I am not a bad girlfriend for keeping this a secret 🙂