(Closed) Secret – Should I tell him?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2206 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

One thing I don’t think you owe a partner is the nitty-gritty of your previous sex life. You didn’t cheat on him, and it is something you won’t ever repeat. Unless he wants total honesty in all past relationships (which I would be surprised if he does), I don’t think you should tell him.

Post # 4
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Hm.   I guess it depends.  If you and your Fiance talk about past relationships–then I would tell him.  If you’re one of those couples who NEVER discuss previous people than I guess not. I would treat it the same as you would treat any of your past stories…. Fiance and I know about eachother’s pasts, so I would have told my Fiance.  But a lot of my friends don’t share their pasts with their SO’s and visa versa.  Every couple is different.

If you feel guilty about this, and feel the need for Fiance to know your “deep dark secrets”, then you should probably get it off your chest.

Post # 5
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t think you need to unless (1) he’ll find out eventually from someone else you told or (2) you and he have openly discussed many of your other past relationships so it’s strange/inconsistent that this hasn’t been shared yet.  My Fiance and I really don’t discuss past relationships so if it were me, I wouldn’t feel the need to share this.  As long as you learned from it and would never cheat or do something like it again, I don’t think you’re doing him any favors to tell him.  I think it’s actually more selfish to share this kind of thing if it’s fully in the past and he’d probably rather not know but you just want to clear your conscience.

Post # 6
1600 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

my policy is open honesty.

it’d be hard, but i think that you could use it to grow together, and he’d appreciate that you’re being truthful.

Post # 7
435 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see any reason to tell him.  It’s in the past and has nothing to do with him.

Post # 9
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi Bellsforher,

Think of it this way–you’ve now shared a deep, dark secret with us, and no one is judging you for it.  Everyone needs to vent (and we all have our own deep, dark secrets), so maybe just sharing it here on the board can be the cathartic vent that you needed.  I can understand why you’re having a hard time deciding, but I agree with other posters that it depends on your relationship with him and how open you are about sharing past relationships.  It sounds like he’s more open about discussing exes than you are, which is totally fine.  I’m sure he realizes that you are a bit more reserved about it, and he probably understands that you have a different level of detail that you’re comfortable with.  As long as he’s not insisting that you tell him everything about your past, I doubt he expects you to be as big on full disclosure as he is.    Everyone has a past, and I’m sure he’d be understanding if you did tell him and would not think that it’s any reflection on your future together.  So I say tell him if you want to, but do not feel obligated to do so.  Good luck!

Post # 10
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with Weebirdy.

Post # 11
56 posts
Worker bee

I agree with WeeBirdy: I don’t think you should feel pressure one way or another regarding this secret.

I come from a very open-minded perspective and I don’t think you did anything to be ashamed of.  It’s not your fault that guy cheated, it’s his.  You bedded a guy you were hot for and you quit when you wanted to.

All of this happened pre-fiance, so you shouldn’t feel any need to tell him.


Post # 12
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Ugg.  I’m sorry.  This must be a real struggle. I wish I had good advice, but I don’t.  The only thing I do feel strongly about is that if you do decide to tell him, now would be much better than later, closer to the wedding.

On one hand, it doesn’t cream at me to be someting you have to tell him.  BUt on the other hand, that is big news.  If my husband had that secret from me, and I found out about it later, I would be really upset.  But if he told me about it himself, I wouldn’t be that upset.  Maybe I liken it to the ability to be open about it sounds to me to be more of a sign of maturing from it, or moving on.  Whereas still keeping it a secret kind of turns it into a bigger deal.

IDK.  If it’s going to eat at you, it might be better to tell him.  You were so young and immature, it seems less of a testimony of your relationship with him, and more simply being a “secret”, which characteristically, you feel like you don’t like to keep from your Fi.

Post # 14
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t think you should tell him unless the conversation arises… My boyfriend and I were always very honest about our sex lives previously… Mostly because while my ex-fi was cheating on me I was starting a relationship with Jason (not my finest moment, but we love eachother) so we wanted to be honest about everything since Jason ex-wife cheated on him, so shortly after I left my ex him and I were joking about how many people we’ve slept with, and he jokingly said “I bet you’ve slept with more people than I have”… so we made a list… His was longer, we laughed about it then we burnt it.  But there are some stories I wish I didn’t know (his threesome in college?  no thanks), and he also likes to point out which girls he’s slept with when we’re out, his reasoning is that he doesn’t want me to hear anything and think he was hiding it from me… which for us works, do I love it?  No, I get a little jealous because alot of them are SUPER pretty… But I like that he is that honest because with our histories I would totally question if I overheard some girl saying she had slept with my boyfriend, I would just assume it was since we’ve been together…  So for our relationship it works, but it’s not for everyone.

good luck.  And don’t feel too guilty, you can’t change what happened, the important thing is you learned from it, it’s something you wouldn’t do again. You live, you learn, you have to move on 🙂

Post # 15
235 posts
Helper bee

Uh, No…No…and NO!!!! The only one who is going to feel better is YOU!!! How is telling him going to make anything that you did any different? You are only going to cause your boyfriend pain and he does not deserve that. You may feel better getting this off your chest, but he will have this new piece of information forever ingrained in his.  It sounds like you learned a tough life lesson and will not make that mistake again.  I doubt that your boyfriend is perfect either.  Let sleeping dogs lie!

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