(Closed) Secret – Should I tell him?

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Neither of us talk about our previous relationships. Besides, you weren’t having an affair since you hadn’t promised anything to anyone. It was not your responsibility to prevent this guy from cheating on his wife. Don’t dwell on the past, but think about your future life together.

Post # 18
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t believe in any secrets. Reading some of these comments is really weird to me. I know everything about him and he knows everything about me. I completely disagree w/ anyone who flat out thinks that you shouldn’t say anything. I think if you came here and told us unknown people, then he should know too. I don’t understand hiding things… who knows, what if the secret came out some how? They always can. I guess your best option would have been to be completely honest in the first place, closer to the beginning of your relationship. Unless if comes up, maybe it is pointless now.

Post # 19
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper

Not only is there absolutely no reason for you to tell him,think about this for a minute. If he’s anything like most people, he will always remember this and possibly use it as ammunition against you should your relationship not last. Even worse if you do marry him and he’s at all vindictive, its just one more thing he has to throw up in your face.

No one knows everything about anyone’s past. People only know what you choose to tell them. Please choose not to tell him.

Post # 20
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree that telling him would only make you feel better (and potentially make him feel worse!). You’re totally justified in keeping this to yourself. I suppose the only exception might be if you had to lie to keep the secret, which is a different thing entirely from just choosing to keep a piece of your past to yourself. Don’t tell him, and don’t beat yourself up about it! Forgive yourself and recognize that you made a mistake and you learned from it, and leave it in the past. 🙂

Post # 21
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with most of the other girls however i think if he asked, tell him.

Some couples end up in deep discussions and crazy questions come up and this could be a question.  Do not lie.  If it comes up in a conversation and he shares something heavy and its a good opportunity for you to get it off your chest, go ahead.

Otherwise, its your past, no one wants to live in the past.  We have all done things we are not proud of.  We are human and we make mistakes.  No worries.

 

Post # 22
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Btw, you don’t need to tell him, unless this is something that you can’t handle living with–which I think that you have since regretted and should move past it.

I think he’ll be glad you’re honest with him, and before you tell him state something like: “There is a dark secret I haven’t told you, it’s been eating me up and I’ve regretted this for so long, and I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront about this prior to now but I really feel for the sake of our relationship that I need to tell that I had an affair with a married man when I was quite young.”

 

 

Post # 23
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I really don’t think you should tell him. It’s in the past,  you weren’t with Fiance at the time so it isn’t relevant to your relationship. And it would actually be kind of a selfish move to tell him, you would only be doing it to get it off your chest and it will only make him sad to think about you with another man. It won’t do any good if he finds out.

As long as he loves and trusts the person you are now there is absolutely no need for him to know about you past love life. All you can do with a situation like this is learn from your mistake, file the memory away and forget about it. Don’t let it come back and potentially hurt the man you love.

Post # 24
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

No! Don’t do it! Futuremom has the best point; it would only be to make YOU feel better, and why should your FH suffer needlessly?

Let’s say he did find out. He would have no right to be mad, you were 18! I think that indiscretions at that age (unless pathological or dangerous) are in the past and finished. Forgive yourself and move on.

Post # 25
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

There are so many variables here, it’s hard to predict how it would go over!

Personally though, I would not want to know.

Post # 26
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

The Fi knows I had a life before him. He doesn’t want to know any details and doesn’t ask any questions. I, on the other hand, like to ask questions … hahaha! Maybe it’s cause I was married before and I’m his first serious relationship – I dunno, but it works for us.

We were friends first so he actually knows all sorts of stuff but somehow doesn’t remember now – at least doesn’t bring anything up … it was never important anyway! All of that isn’t important – what you have now and what you will share in the future is.

As for confessing about the past … I personally think you should keep it to yourself, although I know I would have already blabbed it out! ;o

Post # 27
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

well honey they say honesty is the best policy and in my case with my SO it truly was.even before we actually decided to become boyfriend and gf i told him alot of the shameful things i did and i think that was what he always says made him fall in love with me.the fact  that i am honest up to the point that i would look bad and still come clean.it has in term allowed him to become a more honest person.i would tell him before he finds out or before u are forced to tell him and he finds out that u only told him because u were forced.do it on ur terms so he knows is because u truly wanted to be honest.at least thats my 2 cents

Post # 28
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

There is such a thing as honesty, and there is such a thing as selfishness.  If he asks, of course tell him – never lie.  But, if he doesn’t ask, it’s selfish to tell him, in my opinion.  You’d feel better, he’d feel worse, and it’s not endangering your relationship.  (reference Dan Savage in savage love…)  Just felt like chiming in, although it sounds like you’ve made your decision.  🙂 

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