Seeking advice- I regret my past

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have a wild past. Slept around a lot. (I did not keep count but I can confidently guess it’s around 50)  I’ve been married for 5 years now and have a 3 year old son. I don’t regret my past. Im a high libido person and if I wasn’t in a relationship, I slept around to get my physical needs met. I’m sure I could have gone about it differently but eh, the past is the past, there’s nothing you can do to change it. It doesn’t define you. 

Post # 4
Member
389 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t sleep around, but the way I acted is something I regret. I think everyone has a past they’re not proud of. You should be proud of the life you have now though. It shows that you were able to grow and give yourself a better life. 

Hopefully this isn’t crossing anything, but have you ever thought about speaking to a therapist about this? Maybe you’d feel less guilt if you talked to someone and figured out the root cause. 

Post # 6
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yes, I made some poor sexual choices as well in my late teens and early 20s. While there are some guys I wouldn’t pick to sleep with in an alternate universe now, I can’t say I spend my nights regretting it and wishing I could take it back. It just doesn’t impact me at all now.

 

Would my husband be a little taken aback to know my actual number? Probably, which is why we don’t get into it. You owe him fidelity now, not before you met him.

Post # 7
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I had A LOT of fun at university in the 5 months I was single. I have no idea of my body count (last new one was 15 years ago when I met husband so memory fails me) but it was about 20 maybe 🤷🏼‍♀️

When I met husband we had the numbers talk but we are both of the opinion that anything that happened before we met doesn’t matter and isn’t any of our business.

your husband hasn’t asked so likely doesn’t care. You need to forgive yourself and perhaps talking to a professional would help with this.

there is nothing you can do to change your past, you can just accept it.

Post # 8
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

As someone who was a prude in my younger years, you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty of. I was the complete opposite of you. And guess what, society probably judges both of us because women can never win! 

What matters is that your are in a relationship now and you’re a good wife/mother/etc.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone can look back and find something they don’t like about themselves. But every past experience you had makes you who you are today! 

Post # 9
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

asmith35 :  I’m in the same range, # wise. FH and I have never given each other a number – we’re both in our 40’s so really probably don’t want to know. I wouldn’t be surprised if my number is a lot higher than his, but it’d be pure speculation.

Here’s the thing; you aren’t a bar of soap. No matter how many people rubbed up against you, you aren’t going to wear out.

I have certainly made some mistakes, and slept with regrettable people, but I regret them – not because I was ashamed of acting on my desires – but because of some other reason that usually has more to do with said person being a fuckwit. 

Ultimately, if you kept yourself safe, were never unfaithful, and wouldn’t cheat on your spouse, you have nothing to be ashamed of. As a fully liberated adult woman, you had every right to sleep with whomever you chose.

Now, it sounds like you may have been a bit precocious; to me, that’s where there might be more cause for concern. Women who start having sex at that age often do so out of a lack of self-regard. If there’s anything to explore further, it might be whatever was at the root of your desire to become sexually active so young. No judgements – I lost my virginity at 15. It wasn’t due to any great yearning for sex on my part, though. It was the only way I understood love was expressed.

It took me a long time to divorce the idea that sex and love are the same. It took me a long time to realize you don’t have to offer one to get the other. Once I had developed healthier ideas about sex, then it became much more pleasurable and empowering.

I think if you feel you might have some difficulty with lingering shame over your sexual past, it might be better to voice those feelings with a therapist. Not because you need to hide your history from your spouse, but to allow you to work through the feelings and guilt and shame you still carry. It might be easier to share with your husband, once you have been able to work through it yourself.

You didn’t to anything wrong. If you have regrets, it might be good for you to probe what part of your history is making you feel guilty about things you had every right to do. It might help you reconcile yourself to your past, realzing it is part of what made you who you are, and the woman your husband loves so much. 

Post # 10
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 I have a past that’s different than my husband’s.  He knows that I’ve been with more people than him, but doesn’t know how many (and while I don’t think he’d be upset, it’s just not who I am anymore, and I don’t feel the need to share it with him).  He didn’t marry who I was then, but who I am now.

That said, I’ve had health scares (positive for HPV, and multiple loop excisions) that have sidelined some of our TTC plans, and delayed us in growing our family as quickly as we had hoped.  I battled guilt because of this, but my husband has been nothing but supportive of me as I worked through those things.  At this point I have a clean bill of health, and we’re expecting again, but it has been a long journey.

Post # 11
Member
3376 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I have quite a colourful history myself, which is similar to yours – some of my sleeping around was about having fun and being confident in my body and meeting my needs despite being single, but some of it, in hindsight, was an unhealthy response to trauma. It doesn’t really matter though, does it? The past is the past and who we were led us to who we are, and I don’t think we have any reason to be ashamed of ourselves. At this point in my life, even if I was single, I don’t think I would sleep around the way I did when I was younger, but it’s not because I think I was being a moral degenerate, I’ve just grown and changed and crave more meaningful intimacy now and have lost interest in casual sex. 

My fiance has never asked my body count and I am grateful for that, because I truly believe it is irrelevant and that it is a question that only ever creates tension. I can guarantee my count is significantly higher than his, but so what? We love each other, we are faithful to each other, and that’s all that matters. I think he knows or at least suspects that I have a bit of a past, but I don’t think he feels it is any of his business. 

Post # 15
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

asmith35 :  regret is wasted energy. you can’t change it, so there’s no point spending time dwelling on it. you’ve decided that’s not how you want to be anymore, you changed, and that’s all that matters.

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