- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2015
I’m a regular user but wanted to go anon for this. I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for – maybe advice, maybe reassurance but it just feels better to say it out loud. I’ve been with my SO for just under 2 years, we’re both in our early 30s. Not engaged but he’s told me he wants to marry me and be with me the rest of his life and we’ve talked about getting engaged probably before the end of the year. I know he loves me very much.
My background – I was in a very long term relationship before I met SO – over 10 years and it ended badly. He left me and basically refused to ever speak to me again – we never got “closure” so to speak – well I certainly didn’t. I was devastated. I met SO soon after – maybe about 4 months later and we took things pretty slowly but I really fell for him and almost 2 years later here we are.
The problem – SO and I moved to another country and moved in together recently (9 months ago). We both have good jobs so money isn’t an issue but we’ve found it hard to make friends and SO hates his job but feels trapped (it’s a very specific career field so not many opportunities and certainly none that pay as well as his does). I don’t love my job but I’m fine with it – it doesn’t affect me outside working hours and I’m well paid so I’m reasonably happy. Lately – by lately, I mean the last 2 months – we’ve basically been bickering and snapping at each other non stop. Sometimes this develops into a bigger fight, sometimes we make up almost immediately and are both contrite. We try to “fight fair”, i.e. no name calling or using bad language and for the most part we succeed. But I feel like we are getting on each other’s neverves constantly. Almost anything I say is interpretated by him as negative or irritating. A second element of this is that our sex life has basically dwindled to almost zero in the past month. Prior to that we were never an “every day couple”, more like once or twice a week and that suited us both. SO says that anytime I try to initiate sex it puts him under pressure and he’s confessed to have little or no interest in it and on my part, I feel like it’s a symptom of the fact that we’re not getting on at all. I cry easily and feel like I’ve spent 10 of the last 20 days crying over something or other. As of today, we fought last night and while we made up and hugged, SO is totally distant, doesn’t want to talk to me because he says “it’ll only cause another argument and I’m too tired to be fighting again” and I see his point.
Reading above, things sound hopeless. But the thing is, we love each other. We really want to make it work. I just don’t know whether a combination of the living in each others pockets, his stressful job and not having a big circle of friends and family around like we did at home is making things seem a lot worse than they actually are. He is genuinely a kind, loving person who I know loves me and wants me to be happy. I know he’s saving like mad for an engagement ring. I just wish I “knew” whether this would work out or not. Everyone says follow your gut. The problem is I don’t know what my gut is telling me. When things are good (which is a lot of the time), they’re wonderful and I’m so happy. But when we’re constantly picking fights with each other, it exhausts me and stresses me out, to the point I get headaches and feel ill sometimes. I had so much trauma in my last relationship, I can’t face any more. I just want to be normal and happy. But I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations about relationships and marriage – I know they’re hard work. Am I just confusing “hard work” for incompatibality or an irreparable problem in our relationship?
So my questions – 1. has this happened to anyone else and what did you do? 2. Did your relationship survive it? 3. Is it normal to have periods of “bickering” in good relationships – I say bickering because most of the time we don’t fight and things don’t escalate – someone just says something snappy and we sort it out pretty quickly.
Phew… felt good to just write that down 🙂