Seeking advice – SIL expects us to change plans for her

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 48
262 posts
Helper bee

Big ask but could you have a different honeymoon  and have the safari trip another time (ie maybe 5 year anniversary). You could make your trip to Aussie your honeymoon, I would attend one wedding then go elsewhere for the honeymoon. Somewhere fancy up on the coast. Australia is beautiful! That way you still have you full 2 week break…. that’s what I would do. Works for everyone but you’re still not having SIL ‘win’ cos you’ll only attend one wedding.

Post # 49
2653 posts
Sugar bee

I guess you could be calculated about it and just take leave as the events happen and if you get approved time off you go, and if not, you don’t. 

Not much else to say. I wouldn’t be flying to Australia twice for what is essentially two different parties. Is something stopping them from having both ceremonies the same week, thus only needing one trip? 

Life is short – I guess you have to decide if living your life is what you want to do, or let someone else dictate it for you. Time with your SO is important too, and until you make that abundately clear, others are going to just keep strong-arming you into doing what they want you to do.

If I was in your shoes, I’d ask SIL which party she wants you there for and attend that one. One wedding, one trip, let her decide which one your presence is required for.

If you were having two weddings, would she travel for both at the expense of pushing back her honeymoon?

Post # 50
6377 posts
Bee Keeper

One of FI’s main gripes is that his sister will not have to compromise on her plans at all since she benefits from being on the border of two annual leave years and can take her honeymoon early 2019, probably before us!

Ah there it is. It sounds like he is being really childish and petty and pouting about this lol.

Post # 51
2821 posts
Sugar bee

weddingwoes :  I think the thing that’s frustrating is that they don’t seem to recognize that they’re disrupting your wedding plans that were longstanding. Having gone through missing our ‘proper’ honeymoon I can say that it does change the meaning and feeling behind the trip.

It’s kind of like celebrating your birthday 6 months late. Of course it’s still nice to see your friends and loved ones and TECHNICALLY it’s the same thing, but it just doesn’t feel the same.. it has a different kind of significance. We still want to do it and it will still be great, but it’s different. 

I don’t know what I would do in your situation though. I don’t know if I would be able to skip the entirety of a siblings wedding (at first i thought you could just go to half) but I feel like it’s really unfair of them not to recognize that they’re throwing your wedding celebrations for a loop. How far would you have to move the honeymoon to make it work? 



Post # 52
1505 posts
Bumble bee

I guess I’m confused as to the need for 2 separate events. Why can’t she have two ceremonies in one day with one reception? Seems over the top to me. 

Keep your plans as they are. Explain your decision one time to them, in an adult manner, and let them come to terms with it. I think she’s going to have a rude awakening when she realizes other family members won’t be able to drop everything for her wedding(s) on a different continent.

Post # 53
4887 posts
Honey bee

So SIL booked it after her brother said he couldn’t attend if it was in Australia? Sounds like she did it on purpose at that point. The way you said it at least. This would tick me off big time. Two events all the way in Australia not in the same week is ridiculous. Is everyone from both sides expected to go to both? Or just you all? 

Post # 54
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You mention wanting to take a week off before your wedding to do “DIY” stuff and then have a minimoon after. Is there any way you could do DIY stuff earlier? I  really think you won’t want to be leaving your DIY stuff to the last minute like that, and you will end up stressing duing that week if you are trying to get lots of wedding stuff done during that last week.

Instead, perhaps you could only take 3 days off before the wedding, and a slightly shorter minimoon after the wedding, in order to have enough days later in the year for your 2-week safari and a week for the December wedding?


Remember that you are going to have to deal with this family for the rest of your lives. For the sake of family harmony (and your sanity), I hope you can find a way to attend SIL’s wedding. Otherwise, I think they’ll try to make you regret it for the rest of your lives.

Post # 55
433 posts
Helper bee

weddingwoes :  That doesnt make sense! If she wants Uk style wedding why have it in Aussie. I would like to think that that is for her UK family and relatives. You guys should tell her she is giving low priority to her family/relatives /frens, which she is. She is having 2 weddings in Aussie and not everyone can travel there. I would say stick with your plan as she is being so bratty. If you do decide to go for honeymoon later and attend her wedding, if I were you,  I would attend only 1(as Sikh is for her husbands family) and  then go around in Aussie(since you have already spent time and money to be there) just to let her know everything won’t go her way. 

Post # 59
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Does she/he have family in Australia? Otherwise why the heck would they have their wedding on the other side of the world?? If there’s literally no reason for it I would be so mad. That is not a cheap or easy trip. A flying visit to Australia for 3 or 4 days would be horrendous with the jetlag… 

I guess an Australian holiday this year and a safari next year is a fairly good solution, unless you have no interest in Australia. It does suck though. 

Post # 60
700 posts
Busy bee

So my first reaction was to just bit the bullet, delay your honeymoon, and attend his sister’s wedding to save long-term family problems, however, after reading all of your updates I do not think you two should change your plans. Yes, it’s probably going to cause a divide but his sister lives in Australia anyway so it’s not like you two are going to be spending a ton of time with her. Do you think that this is something his parents would hold on to and resent you for long-term? That would factor into my decision if you want a good relationship with them. If not, I’m a big proponent of not rewarding bad behavior and his sister sounds like a brat. Regardless of whether she is or isn’t being awful by not moving her date (which she had a right to do) you clearly told her what would happen if she didn’t and I think now you have to follow through or this type of behavior is going to continue.

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