(Closed) Seeking legit help on all this Covid crap and weddings.

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
3905 posts
Honey bee

I am WTFing a 49 year old woman having an 80-person shower in a pandemic.  

 

Post # 17
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@futuremrscat:  If you’re really going to go through with these parties my suggestions are:

-Host outside

-Seat households together (but then what do you do with guests who don’t come with people from their households seat them alone?)

-Individually packaged meals and beverages (cans of soda, la croix, mini wines/champagnes, white claws, beer, water) that are placed at each table to avoid people gathering at a bar area

-Masks on at all times apart from eating/drinking

-No dancing

-No bridal party, couple walks down the aisle alone and stands far away from the officiant

-For the shower or wedding all gifts sent to the couples home

That’s all I can think of, but I think it’s still a bad idea. I went to a memorial/celebration of life recently and the invite stated the proper safety procedures they were going to follow and literally none of it was followed. People not wearinhg masks, sharing drinks, food, gathering for huge large family photos, dancing, etc. The ony thing they did properly was serve individually packaged food.  

People will likely not follow the rules at your party, they will hug, take off their masks to chat, leave their tables, etc. Hopefully you can convince your mother to postpone. Have a small, family only ceremony right now and save the parties for another time.

Post # 18
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper

You are confusing simple with easy.

The solution is very simple.  You get a backbone, stop being a doormat, and stand up for yourself and you say the words that many people have already provided you with.  It’s free and requires no other props or people to execute it…just the courage to do it and willingness to deal with the consequences.

Is it easy?  No.  Tough shit.  Sometimes you don’t get easy handed to you on a silver platter so you grow up and do what you have to do even if it is hard and you don’t like the idea of disappointing mommy dearest because the alternative is you whimper and whine and give in to selfish reckless demands because you can’t be bothered to stand up for what you claim to know is right and pray you don’t kill someone with that decision.

Post # 19
Member
42 posts
Newbee

What if you ask the guests how they feel? If they agree they think it’s unsafe you can come back to ur mom and say look all these ppl are uncomfortable. She can’t throw a wedding if her guests don’t come 

Post # 20
Member
599 posts
Busy bee

I’m WTF to an 80 person bridal shower with or without a pandemic. That seems in no way appropriate. 

This won’t be an easy conversation regardless of how you approach it. Address your health concerns and stay firm that you will not be hosting or attending, that it has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with current concerns about the pandemic. Just be prepared that if the pandemic isn’t a concern for her, these things will probably go ahead without you. Offer to be a part of them remotely. 

Post # 21
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

“Mum, during the last few years as we’ve become closer, I’ve come to understand how much you mean to me. I would do anything possible to make sure you are happy. 

But because you mean more to me, I can no longer host these parties because they put you, me and all of your friends at risk. This isn’t a hoax, and we aren’t exceptions to the safety protocols. I love you, and I cannot be a part of risking your life. 

I understand your anger and frustration. It isn’t fair. I’d be shouting from the rooftops about your happiness and having the biggest parties possible without Covid, but it just isn’t safe right now. I know you are angry and might need some time to process this. I hope you will not be angry with me, but instead be angry at the situation. I am so sorry, and I will do whatever I can to make it up to you whenever our world is back to anything resembling ‘normal’. But as it stands, I have to withdraw from shower planning and wedding planning because it isn’t safe.

If you want to have a small marriage, I would be delighted to be a witness and throw you a huge party next year, but I cannot in good conscience do so now. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me, as I am only trying to protect you and your friends from getting sick.”     

It may be easier if you write her a heart-felt letter to give her time to process her thoughts before she replies to you. You don’t want to engage in an argument, as that might harm the relationship more. Emphasize that you cannot do these things BECAUSE you love her. If she chooses to be angry at her only child and alienate you, then no matter how painful it is, you know how she really feels about you and what her priorities truly are.

YES, this is much easier said than done. I don’t envy you your position. But someone needs to be an adult here, and it isn’t her right now. She needs to be protected from herself.                                                    

Post # 22
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee

To be honest if this were my mom I would just ask her if she’d lost her goddamn mind LOL.  But that’s the kind of relationship we have.

Post # 23
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I told my mom and dad that they are grounded! It was good humor/role reversal to get the message across. They were doing far too much socializing, and both my brother and I had “the talk” with them, and it got through. I’m going to have to do it again soon, as they have loosened up a bit over time with quarantine fatigue.  But this is about people’s lives.

The one thing you really have to hold over her is your presence and attendance at the events. Tell her NOW that you won’t come to a party that is larger than 5 people and hold to it- birthday, wedding, shower, doesn’t matter. 5 is your limit.  If she goes above that, leave. She can make choices, and those choices have consequences. One consequence is you won’t attend.

Post # 24
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You can’t control what your mother does, you can only control what you do. You’ll just have to tell her that you understand that she wants all these parties and she’s free to throw them (not that I think she should but clearly she’s made her position clear on that so there’s no use fighting that fight) but that you don’t feel it’s safe and you won’t be planning them or participating in them in person. Yes it will be hard and yes she’s likely to be upset, but this is about making the best choice for you.

Post # 25
Hostess
10357 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

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@milobabyy:  Please refrain from telling posters what they can post here. That’s a TOS violation.

Post # 26
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, bee. You are in a tough spot here. I can appreciate that it is definitely not easy.

I would put it to her this way- you can always celebrate at a later time when it is safe to do so. But at this time, you cannot in good conscience participate in the planning of these events during this pandemic because you value the health and wellness of not only her but of the rest of your family and friends. 

You don’t have to be mean or aggressive; just calm but firm. Best of luck

Post # 27
Member
3217 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

“I love you Mom, and I’m SO sorry that this stupid pandemic is happening during what should be a super fun celebratory time for you – but it’s really not responsible to be having big social gatherings right now.  There are so many stories of family and friends being killed because of these events.  I would never forgive myself if I caused our loved ones to die. 

Let’s talk about how to do a virtual party!  Or if you really need to go ahead with a physical party, I won’t be able to attend but I will send you so much love from afar.”

Etc.

Post # 28
Member
659 posts
Busy bee

You would rather people die than stand up to your Mom? Grow up 

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