(Closed) Seeking Marriage Improvement Advice

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
3504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Something that always stuck with me: is it more important to be right, or is it more important to be happy?  Because right now, it sounds like you both would rather be right and be miserable.

I’ve had to consciously let things go that my husband does- he leaves his clothes all over the floor, he doesn’t rinse out his milk glasses, etc.  I’ve had to realize that that’s just him and all his positives greatly outweigh the little annoyances.

I also think counseling is very important for both of you.

Post # 3
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“We are fine until there is a disagreement and then we become enemies, more trying to prove our point than caring how the other feels. Our perception seems to be our reality and, in the heat of the moment, we so rarely see where the other is coming from (this usually comes later when we rationally talk).”

I feel like just realizing this is already huge progress! When you realize, later, where your Darling Husband was coming from during an argument, does it make you feel better? Or do you still hold onto the resentment from whatever you were fighting about?

Agree with PP. If you’re determined to work on the marriage rather than leaving (which is admirable), then you just have to make a conscious decision to stop being pissed at the things he does. Fake it til you make it. Just resist the urge to even make the nagging comments. 

Would also suggest reading the 5 Langauges of Love for some more insight on yourself and your husband. 

Post # 4
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

2maildml:  When taking our pre-cana classes, the deacon and his wife recommended “walking away” during an argument. Just simply say I need a breather and write down your feelings and discuss them later with your husband or simply have him read what you wrote. Sometimes when you start to bicker about something small it does lead to a huge argument about nothing, so maybe speak to your husband now about trying this exercise. I hope it helps and congrats on the baby!

Post # 7
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so glad to hear separation isn’t an option and you’re doing therapy. Those are great starts.

I also love “the 7 principles for making marriage work”.  That helped us a LOT when it came to conflict and personality issues and how to communicate better in the midst of our fights.

Day to day-I don’t have great tips. But maybe remember long distance vs living together is a huge change and just takes time to adjust (no other way around it). And expecting a baby is another huge stressor even if a wonderful thing.  I have to remind myself sometimes-it’s about me and my decisions. I can’t force my husband to do or feel anything. But I can be responsible for my reactions and how I communicate my thoughts and needs to him. And there are things I can let go and things that will always be hot button topics for us. And accepting all of that helps me. 

Post # 8
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

How long have you been in counciling?  Maybe try to focus your therapist on communicaiton issues instead of other tasks. 

I think there are somethings about finding out how to fight.  Walking away might work, or maybe you need to bring up issues at a certain point.  Darling Husband have a safe space/safe time for communicating which is in our kitchen when we are working on dinner/cleaning up.  Plans, issues, and thoughts are all brought up then.  There are certain times of the day which are bad for Darling Husband to talk.  Mainly, right away in the morning, or last thing before bed. 

Post # 9
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Can you be right together? Ask yourself what you want to achieve…you both want a happy marriage, you want to support each other, right?  So when you get into a fight, say to yourself and say to him “what do we need to address in order to solve this issue and make each other happy?”.  I also agree with PP’s really great advice to walk away and take a breather before discussing issues.

 

I also have some specific advice on getting your husband to contribute more.  We are similar to you and your husband, and two things have helped.  He has specific responsibilities that are his, and he and I both know that.  He will handle them on his own schedule just like I handle my responsibilities on mine.  Another suggestion is to make a weekly chore list.  We recently started doing this on Sunday, and whenever one of us completes a task, we check it off.  This is helpful to him because he doesn’t always know what needs to be done; well, now he does.  He also may not realize all the things I do (I too work fewer hours than he so end up doing chores before he gets home), and the list makes sure he realizes if I’m doing more than he is.  Of course, the big thing with this is that my husband really wants to help and contribute but it is more natural for me to keep the home.  If he was trying to avoid helping at all, then these tips would be pointless.

Post # 10
Member
5972 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

2maildml:  I was in 2 long distance relationships. One I didn’t marry and one I did. My advice to most people even considering it is, don’t. For the very reasons you say. You really don’t know a person (I don’t care how much you Skype and text) until you live with or close by.

BUT that’s not an option. I think you are doing exactly the right thing by going to counseling. We did that as well. I didn’t want to give up because I had left everything behind to be with him. Do you feel the counseling is helping? I’m hoping so. If not, try a different one! Ours had a sad ending, I divorced him. But I do feel that it can be worked out with the right couple and the right therapist. I wish you much, much luck, Bee!!

 

Post # 12
Member
3504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

2maildml:  DH is a much bigger person than I am.  In the beginning it was really hard for me to admit when I was wrong or appologize first (I’m stubborn and have an ego).  By him repeately being the bigger person in the relationship, I got to see first hand how people should act in a relationship.  Over the last two and a half years I have completely changed the way I behave in our relationship because of his example.  It sucks being the bigger person 100% of the time in the beginning, but if he’s 1/2 of the kind of man you deserve to be with, he will want to change his actions for you when he sees you putting your relationship first above your ego.

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