fizicsgirl, thanks so much for the generous offer. him and i are planning to have a relationship talk of sorts tonight to get some things sorted out (not just this issue, but others as well) and i will let him know about your willingness to help tonight. i am sure it will be very appreciated! 🙂 thanks again. btw my parents are immigrants too – but that has given me a differnet mindset. my mom was a (untenured) professor at a uni in taiwan, but then decided to give up her job and her entire family in taiwan to move here to the US to be with my dad (who wanted to attend grad school in the US, have a family in the US).. she gave up alot for my dad, and im not sure if i can do that. she is always missing her family in taiwan (even now about 45 years later) and now works a job she isnt fully happy in
about my relationship with him, i am happy in it in most respects but there is just that one big issue that i cant seem to … resolve, i suppose. and thats the issue that i feel like he doesnt think of me as important enough or include me in "major" decisions he makes. for example, his decision about going to cali for the three months this summer.. true it isnt a HUGE decision relative to those such as getting married, moving, etc, but it would still be nice for him to have a sit down talk to me about it and i can let him know my feelings about it. which is where this issue is stemming from as well too.. if it is his dream to go to a UC grad school then okay, but i need to know he weighed all his options and factors and i feel as though i should be one of those. and if he does decide to go, then i willl have a chance to decide if i want to pursue a LD relationship.. but i am feeling a little unimportant and unconsulted, i guess. and this issue idk how to resolve 🙁
i hear u in that its not about sacrifice, its about choosing the relationship at the time if i take a job near him. but then its always me.. picking the relationship, where he picks his career/school over the relationship since im hte one following him around..? i guess maybe i need "proof" that im important enough to him that hes willing to sacrifice something or watever, before i make sacrifices for him as well. i though this mindset is immature and selfish, but im working on it but thats how i feel atm (sorry)
i understnad why he took the position in cali this summer – in the end, he didnt get any other job offers (though we didnt know that at the time he accepted that offer, it had a deadline before other offers came out). it was something he wanted to do, and in the end, i have to accept that. but the thing is, he knew that summer plans had been stressing (ha can u tell im a stressball lol) and simply put, meant a lot to me. and then when he got that offer with a 1-week deadline to accept or decline, he refused to talk to me about it until there was only 2 days left to make the decision – which by then, he had already basically decided to go. but what bothered me was that i wasnt included in the process, by the time he let me talk to him about it (he was "too busy" with school) he had already 90% decdied so i felt like he was just humoring me to let me talk about it at that stage. he admits that at that point in time, he had already 90% made up his mind, but that he felt it was fine for him to consult me at this stage becuase it wasnt 100% made up… but i felt like if i were important enough, and heknew how much it meant to me, he would have included me earlier. i felt like he just humored me and let me get hwat i needed to say out when he had already made up his mind. sigh sorry for that rant. that is where this whole issue stems from though.. my doubts on how seriously he will take into account ME as a factor in future plans instead of just running off himself
vegasbaby, right now im at stage #1. im not sure what sacrifices im wilin to make , but then again, i have another year after he graduates until i have to make any sort of decision while i finish up my undergrad to decide moving, grad school locations for me, job locations for me, etc. my main problem with this reationship is i feel like he doesnt take me into account enough. sure, if an opportunity is so amazing that you have to go for it, then by all means go for it… but after you consider all the pros and cons (such as leaving an important gf behind or something). when he made the decision to go to cali this summer, i felt i wasnt taken into account at all, though he claims i was since he still let me talk to him about it when he wasnt yet at 100% ceratinty
i am okay with going around the country, but only if thats what I want to do. not because thats where my bf (whomever that may be) at the time is. i have sacrificed a lot of things (including college location! dumb idea) for guys before.. and totally regretted it. so i am very wary on doing it again.
lastly, i want to thank u guys for not dismissing my case like its crazy. i am aware that i worry and stress and try to overplan things and believe me, its not fun and im trying to work on it. but its a process and at this stage, this issue still bothers me. and for taking me seriously when i know i am quite young and still in college 🙂 i was really worried that i would get a lot of "worry about that when ur 25 or older!" sort of things
i think this sums it up quite nicely "I don’t think your concerns are selfish (it wouldn’t even occur to me to characterize them that way). They sound more to me like anxiety about whether he’s as serious about this relationship as you are. And whether he’s committed to trying to make it work, even in the face of obstacles. I think this is something you need to address with your Boyfriend or Best Friend." but.. i dont know how to address it. we’ve had talks abt this before, but it comes down to the fact that im not sure i trust him when he says he takes me into account (based on past events) and then it just end sup into a big fight. no fun. i am planning on talkin to him tonight so.. i hope that goes okay :/ im not too optiomistic tho
and for the record, this academic year is basically over (only a week of classes left, then finals) so i am going to be a junior in college next year, while he is a senior. he is applying for graduate schools over the summer and.. thats where my stress comes in 🙁
phew that was long. sorry for the venting!!