(Closed) Seeking relationship advice…

posted 11 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
20 posts
  • Wedding: April 2009

Hey Jadedragon,


Im with Mrs Spring here. You and your partner sound like you’re on different pages of two very different books. From what you have said its only you who’s looking at how to get futher committed to him – moving for him and doing the whole long distance thing, and you’re not engaged. What has his input been on all these topics. Has he asked you to think about these things?? I think you need to concentrate on what is going to make you happy whether you are with him or not. In the long run, long-distance relationships are hard. I have only seen my partner for 7 wks in the past year in totla as he is always away working. Im making the transition in moving to be with him, but only after he asked me to make the move, which I said I would be prepared to do AFTER we got married. I think you’ve placed alot of faith in this relationship, perhaps hoping that it is something more than what he believes it to be. Review how yourfeeling and what your life goals are and how you can go about achieving them. Ask yourself – would he be prepared to support you in them? And if so,how far would he go?

Let us know how the talks went – you didnt mention much in terms of detail.

Post # 34
65 posts
Worker bee

Hi there! I am thinking the same way as Mrs Spring and Mrs DS  —  are you and the Boyfriend or Best Friend on the same page as far as your relationship is concerned? I was a little confused by your posts and I didn’t see whether you’d posted how long you two had been together. I thought it was an EXbf you mentioned being with for 4 years, or did i misread that? At any rate, it appears that you are taking it as a pretty serious relationship. Does he feel the same way?

Post # 35
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I may be chiming in after the fact, but I guess I wanted to share pieces of my situation and the way it has affected my thoughts on relationships.

 I’m very similar to you in age Jadedragon – I’m 21. My fiance and I have been together since we were both 16, and are nearing the end of our third year of long distance. Next year feels like it’s going to be *easy* at this point though, because we spent this year across an ocean from each other, and saw each other for two weeks total in that time. Right now I am nearing 6 full months of separation from him. AND, I am also a future military wife-to-be. I’m so excited to marry him and share a house and be in the same location for long periods of time, but I know that separations will pop up again, in the form of deployments. 

 That said – I am not trying to say that at 20/21 everyone should be ready to make the kind of life choices I have! Mainly I wanted to echo some other posters and say that if you two really love each other in a way serious enough to mean forever, you can probably do long distance for longer than you think. It is work, but it also develops your communication, trust, respect, and lots of other good things – because if you don’t strengthen them, then the relationship will fall apart. 

 Also, I’m a firm believer in following your dreams and doing right by yourself professionally up until you do make that life commitment. Studying abroad for a year was a dream I’d had for a long time, so I knew I had to do it, even though it meant even more intense separation from my (then) boyfriend. Very very unselfishly, he understood why I needed to do it, and even though it’s been hard for him (and me!), he has stood by me 100% every step of the way. 

 There was a long time when I had no idea what he thought of the future – and as I thought about it more and more, it was incredibly frustrating. But one day this past September he brought it up out of the blue. He’d actually been thinking about it for a while but just needed time before he was ready to discuss it with me. Once that happened though, it only took us about two days to decide that marriage was the way to go! 

 Now, I am going to make many compromises – but it’s because we’ve made the forever commitment, he is in the military, and I know that he is important enough to me that I can be flexible (but not sacrifice entirely) the specifics of my professional goals. I’ve done a lot of soul searching on that, and I’m confident in it. But it wasn’t an easy process at all. 

 I should probably wrap it up, but I just wanted to offer some thoughts. It does sound though like the two of you might be on different wavelengths. I’d just sort of stay aware of trying to get yourselves on the same page, but in the meantime try not to worry about it too much as you do still have a year of college left. (I know that’s easier said than done, I am a planner too.) Hopefully my reflections on my own experience have offered some sort of help – good luck!

Post # 36
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Jade, I can offer you one perspective on how university-aged people stay together after graduation. I should be in my fourth year of university right now, but I took a year off to do a full-time internship in a city 200km away from the house that I shared with my boyfriend. I’m back at school in the fall; he’s starting his 1-year Masters in a week in the same city we were in together before. When I thought about applying for this job, he supported me completely and encouraged me throughout the process, even though it meant that we would be long distance for almost a year and a half.

 When we talked about this internship, and when we talk about our future post graduation, it’s not "his future" and "my future," it’s our future, and we’re negotiating what that will look like together. Like you, I’m a total planner and hate not knowing exactly where we’ll be in 2 years (let alone 5), where we’ll live, what jobs we’ll have, etc., but we have agreed that we will always make each other a priority when it comes to making a major decision, and we have also agreed that no matter what happens we’ll tough it out together. We’ll try to find jobs in the same city (we do have a city in mind), with our back-up plan being that the person who finds the best-paying career accepts that offer and between the two of us we’ll work the rest out.

 Basically I think the most important part in staying together through post-grad upheaval is making each other a determining factor in these big life decisions like where to work and how to live, and having an attitude of "we’re staying together no matter where life takes us."

Post # 38
46 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

If he saw wedding bells in your future, he would find a grad school close by or be talking to you about marriage and you coming with him. If he is not doing these things, he doesn’t see your relationship as very serious (no matter what he may tell you) he is having fun while he is in college and not looking at you as a life partner.

My best advice for you is to figure out what you want out of life other than being with this guy and follow your heart. When you graduate you should work a while before going to grad school so that you have a better idea of what you want to specialize in. If your relationship with this guy is supposed to work out, it will but dont worry so much.

You know yourself better than anyone here, and you know your relationship. If you feel this is really the guy for you then figure out how to make it work. Just be honest with yourself. Also only you can know if you can deal with 6 years of a long distance relationship and not getting married/having a familly until you are at least 30.

Side note. Being a professor is a great job but it requires long, odd hours and a lot of research. If you have a doctorate, you will be required to be producing acedemic work outside of just teaching. Many professors that I know of only have Masters so that they teach full time but arent expected to produce research. Also, most all professors I know of do not go to school to be a professor… it usually happens after years of working or after starting a family and needing more flexible hours. Depending on what type of professor he wants to be he should consider shadowing professors and talking to them about how they did it… he will probably be surprised by their life path.

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