Post # 1
Ahhh…the dreaded or delightful guest list! I know people come down on me harshly sometimes here on the bee (whether it is or isn’t warranted), and somehow I keep coming back for more. To be honest it is probably to get a dose of perspective and reality (even though I may still do my own thing, lol). So with that in mind I want to tell you of this particular situation that I’ve been toying with that hasn’t actually come up or become a problem….yet.
My future brother in-law and his new(ish) wife have a baby boy that will be a little over a year when the wedding date rolls around. He is the first grandbaby to a relatively young pair of grandparents and of course is just the apple of everyone’s eye. When talking to my fiance’s sisters a while back, they were asking me about different aspects of the wedding. When the subject of the ring bearer came up the younger of the 2 sisters suggested that the baby (lets call him John) should be the ring bearer. I quickly said that he may not be walking by then. The older sister makes a joke that as fast as he is developing he may be running around come wedding day. (s/n a lot parents or family members think that they have a child that is developing physically or cognitively faster than average…..this just isn’t true. But as the running statement was kind of meant as a joke, I didn’t say anything). The younger sister then says “Well maybe his mom/I/[insert random family member] could carry him in or pull him in a wagon. Wouldn’t that be cute?” I say ummm NO. No wagons or someone holding him, I don’t want that for my wedding. I’ve seen people do that well and others not so well, but nevertheless I DONT WANT IT. The younger sister has brought it up since then, perhaps she forgot that initial conversation, but I shut down the thought process pretty quickly so that I’m not giving any false hope.
So what’s the issue you may ask?
I really don’t want him there at all. Not that the wedding will be completely child free or that I have a particular age cut-off that I have in mind. Im just thinking no baby-babies and no young children unless they are in the wedding party. Teenagers and the pre-teens are okay if they are close to me or fiance (family or family friend). But a one year old, is just a no for me. This nephew/grandson/great-grandson is the center of attention for my fiance’s family right now and I would imagine that they think he is invited to be at the wedding. But to be honest I really don’t think he’ll be included in the invite. Whether they get their own babysitter or I hire one for other guests as well, the end result will remain that he nor any other baby should be there. The brother in-law and his wife haven’t weighed in on this or suggested that baby “John” be in the wedding, but the rest of the family IMO expects it to be that way. Oh, and no I don’t have any other ring bearer prospects that I can think of now. But I would rather not have one at all than to have baby “John” (or any baby for that matter) as the bearer.
If you were fiance’s family how would you feel about your new pride and joy not only NOT taking center stage as the ring bearer, but not being there at all? Is this doable considering he IS apart of the immediate family?
Just to clarify in case I am misunderstood: I like babies, I like children, I even like baby “John” AND of course the fiance doesn’t care either way
Post # 2
I am right there with you!!!!! I think you just need to make sure you address invites to only those invited-so it would be Mr. & Mrs. Brother-In-Law…then specify you aren’t having anyone under 13, or a specific age. I feel the same way, who in the hell wants a new baby running the show? We aren’t having anyone under 18, specifically bc my Fiance has a 13 year old cousin that we lovingly refer to as spawn of satan, and we do not want her there. I’m of the camp that for a wedding, especially a formal one, little ones have no place. If your Fiance doesn’t care, let him have the convo with his brother that althought you adore the baby, they’d be best getting a sitter that night.
Post # 3
I think it’s tough because he’s immediate family. If he weren’t he would be easier to exclude. We had no children at our wedding except immediate family and wedding party which included a 1 year old and a 9 month old. I honestly didn’t even notice they were there. What does your fiancé think? Also the parents may not even want him there. I’m now the mother of a 1 year old and the idea of bringing her to a wedding sounds like pure torture lol. Her bedtime is 6:30/7pm and if we miss it she’s a nightmare so as a mom I’d for sure leave her home and have a good time w my husband, wine glass in hand, baby tucked in at home w a babysitter. Babies at weddings are a touchy subject though do good luck w your ILs!
Post # 4
I agree. I do not think babies or children should be at weddings. That being said, I think you should be careful about whose children are and are not invited. You don’t want anyone to feel upset if some kids are there yet their children were not invited. I would just be sure to clarify your plans. Oh and the thought of some adult pulling a baby in a wagon down the aisle literally made my skin crawl… 😉
Post # 5
Tell them NO POINT.BLANK.PERIOD i’m in the exact same situation as you my sister just had a baby in April and he will be about 1 possibly two when the wedding date rolls around. This is my only sister we are not even a year apart so we are super close I told her that her son will not be invited I joked, made it lighthearted but I am serious. This is a day when family and friends come together to celebrate your union in whatever way you desire there will be drinking,dancing and possibly cursing and if it is an evening that is no place for a child anyway. My dad was a be peeved but I told him the same thing my wedding is not a play pen and if people feel offended that I don’t want their children there they can stay home.
Post # 6
Yea I am definitely not a big fan of the ring bearer wagon or carrier.
IMO would the fbil and fsil be free-er to do as they please at the wedding without baby “John.” But also selfishly I don’t want my fmil or other extended family that may be seeing the baby for the first time cooing at the baby when what they are there for is me and my fiance’s wedding (an occasion culminating an almost decade long relationship).
Post # 7
I think you’re asking for trouble by ”selecting” which kids can attend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m CBC myself and I don’t want kids, especially babies, to attend my wedding. I strongly believe unless you have kids yourself and consider kids to be an extremely important aspect of your wedding day, to the point you would dislike your wedding if there weren’t any kids, that weddings are NOT meant for children to attend. I would suggest, either make it a 16+ event (16 year olds are considered ‘adult’ guests in most venue, when it comes to meals and costs), or an adult-only affair and be clear about that, no exception. Since your family seems to have children of every age, from toddlers to teenagers, you need to draw a firm line, not just select among the crowd. This could upset a lot of people, including the kids/teenagers themselves.
Post # 8
I don’t think you can exclude your nephew from your wedding. There is a chance that the parents will want a night away. I hired a babysitter to be in a room at my venue. I have a niece around the same age who is the light of everyones lives, but she went to the babysitter during dinner came out for a while then went back. It’s not that much fun watching a one year old at a wedding. I would get a babysitter to have at the wedding. People will appreciate it and you won’t have to exclude him..which would be rude.
Post # 9
I understand. As I think about this more and more I do feel like the cutoff age would be 13. Only because that is how old my jr. bridesmaid and jr. groomsman will be. (Which could cause problems of its own when older second cousins are invited and their younger 14 year sibling is not because I don’t actually know them…but that’s neither here nor there right now). Anyway outside of the wedding party there arn’t really that
many people between the 13-18 age. I’ll look over the lists again, butI don’t think there are any other family or friends that even have babies or young children to be included.
Post # 10
Well, I think it’s fine to have child free weddings but you can’t randomly exclude one and not the other. So if you’re going to have it be child free…then you need to exclude all children. Otherwise I’d think you’re pretty rude. Maybe set a limit of all children under 15/16 not allowed.
It might be a little risky since it is immediate family and it’s possible they would choose not to attend, which might upset your fiance since he would like his brother to be there? A one year old should be capable of being left with a sitter or family for the evening but you never know how some people react.
Post # 11
I have thought about having a babysitter available at the hotel or elsewhere from the venue. Though my real feelings are if I don’t list baby “John”on the invite, that they should find a babysitter on their own and not assume that he is apart of their invitation unit. Not to say that the parents have been making assumptions up till now though. My mother (and I somewhat agree) that it isn’t my job to provide care nor should I add it on to my already long list of things to do and figure out.
I mean…what is so rude about not having him there?
Post # 12
To be honest, I had a ton of children at my wedding, and absolutly none of them where noticably ill behaved. But I understand not everyone wants children at their wedding, and that is okay too.
I do think you are going to cause a TON of hurt feelings not even letting baby John come. I don’t think I would want to start off my life with my new family causing a huge rift in it. I would talk with your Fiance about it. Does he agree with your child free wedding choice? Make the call together, one way or another. Don’t bully him into getting what you want, but really listen to him. If you agree that John is off the guest list, agree to the point where there is going to be no backing down when he talks to his family, and that all statements about John not being invited are “We” instead of “History-bee thinks…”
Also, you will be the center of attention period, end of story. We had our niece and nephew at the wedding, and many relatives had not met the niece yet. Also, some of my cousins brought their babies who were born in the last 6 months, who the extended family hadn’t met yet. No one was paying more attention to the babies than us.
Post # 13
Nothings rude about it, just do a strict cut off age. I love children but my wedding is not child friendly. There will be two infants there because they are at the constant breastfeeding stage and that’s an exception, but we have had to get shirty with a couple of people (one who wanted to bring her FOUR daughters who were not included on the invite.) If the child is that old, they might still be breastfeeding but they won’t need the breast constantly like a newborn, so I say just proceed and ask lots of interested questions about their childcare arrangements.
If you think they’re going to create an enormous fuss, you might want to hire a sitter.
Post # 14
You have to draw a clear line and stick to it. Pick an age cutoff and be consistent, no exceptions, not even for the bridal party. Otherwise you’ll have peeved guests wondering why they had to make arrangements for their kids while X didn’t have to. If there’s a firm age cutoff then the reason is completely transparent.
Post # 15
I wish (or at least I think I do, lol) that my fiance had an opinion either way. Maybe his extended family won’t have the majority of their attention on baby “John”. The scenario I truly see playing out is the fmil ffil and fsils cooing and making it about the baby. I hate to say this but my fiance and I havent had a second of independent reveling time because of sweet baby “John” was born at the EXACT same time of my engagement. Not to say that my future in-laws weren’t happy for me and their son, it was just overshadowed by their new family member. My futre in-laws are not overly emotional or celebratory people. They do the basics to get by so that they can say something was said. I have been “in” this family for quite sometime now and finally when I thought I would get some emotion out of them, they turn the attention and congratulations to the other son and his wife (that had been around literally only 2 weeks before the marriage). Don’t get me wrong, they should be OVERJOYED about their 1st grandson….but lets just not have him at the wedding. There wont be any other babies there anyway. To be honest I don’t think the mom/wife would even mind. She likes to go out and have adult-without baby time. Its the fmil, ffil and fsils that may have the problem.