(Closed) Selective child free wedding situation

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsHistory-Bee:  I totally understand why people wouldn’t want young children at weddings, but if you even breathe a hint of “I don’t want the baby there because it will detract from ME!” (ETA: and you may mean “US,” but at lot of people, rightly or wrongly, will hear that “US” as “ME!”) then I think you stand to cause a massive, massive rift with your fiancé’s family and potentially lose a lot of sympathy from those who might be, in the abstract, OK with excluding younger children, so be real careful in terms of how you present yourself when discussing this matter.

Post # 17
Member
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

MrsHistory-Bee:  It does sound like your main issue is with the doting family members of John and not the actual kid issue itself. Whether John is there or not, the family will fawn over him. If he is there, they can pass him around and what not during the ceremony + reception. If he isn’t there, they are all just going to congregate and talk about how much they miss him or swap stories about him.

I say pick your battles on this, don’t use him as a ringbearer and be firm about that, but if you’re OK excluding him and not others, be prepared for blowback from the family. 

Post # 19
Member
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Well, that is a tough situation. I think it is one where you should seriously contemplate the battle/drama that could occur from excluding him, since he is in the close family. That being said, it can be pretty frustrating when it comes to children and wanting a limited/no child wedding. We are currently dealing with this. We really didn’t want any children (besides our own as Flower Girl an RB), but our very first few RSVP’s have come back with children added (Yes, I addressed them correctly, only to the Mr. & Mrs.). I honestly don’t have the heart to tell them no, their kids cannot come. Yes, it is our day and should be what we want, BUT, I don’t want to cause any hard feelings or a rift with family members at the start of our marriage. 

My plan, we are hiring a sitter to be on-site. It will be suggested to those with children and babies, but not mandatory. I completely respect the parents who do not want to leave their children with a stranger (although, if they had adhered to the invite, it would not have been an issue). Ultimately, it is your decision and your wedding, you might want to talk to Future Brother-In-Law and his wife about it to find out how they feel since it sounds like it is being brought up by everyone else, not them. Hope everything works out for you!

Post # 21
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MrsHistory-Bee:  HI! We are not having our Nephew ( age 3) there or any other kids. Nope no thank you. His mom even asked me just recently ( We have “adult only reception” on our invites, and on our website we specifically say no guests under 18) and I said no, its an adult reception. Easy as pie. They can find their own babysitter ( especially if her family is local)

Just tell them its not a kid friendly event so you have a firm cut off age. 🙂 not rude and not wrong of you. Most weddings in my area are totally kid free. If they have a problem then its their problem not yours.

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 22
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsHistory-Bee:  As someone who gets a little down when I see lots of little ones at what I was hoping would be what I consider a fun evening event (little ones = less of what I call fun) I do genuinely understand the desire to not have babies and young children at some weddings.  The only reason I pointed out what I did is because I think that if people got the impression that you were more concerned about having the baby “steal your thunder” than anything else, they might lose sympathy for you.  I think that firm age cut-offs and the provision of sitter services (or something like that) would seem to be the best things for your situation.

Under no circumstances, however, should you allow yourself to be badgered into having him as a participant in the ceremony itself. 

Post # 23
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

I think it’s fine if you set a rule and stick to it… No kids under 13?  Fine.  Just make sure that you apply that to everyone.  If you let a friend bring her 4 year old after you asked your family members to have baby John at the sitter, that seems to be more about keeping HIM away than keeping kids away.  Our rule for kids is “only the children of family members or people traveling more than 3 hours”- our guest list would nearly double if we invited the kids of friends and colleagues.  So far, it’s been recieved well and I think it’s very fair.  As long as you apply the rule fairly, it should not be an issue.  (Just a tip- get used to repeating this rule often.  Say it to your bridesmaids, have future hubby say it to the groomsmen too… word will get around.) 

Post # 24
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Meh, my sister held her 2-month old in her arms as she read my wedding poem. I thought it was awesome. 

I don’t really understand how one baby is going to have any impact on your wedding, but if you don’t wnt John there, I suggest planting that seed now so people have time to get used to it.

Post # 25
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

I have a couple thoughts on this: first, I think since he is immediate family, you (or better yet, your FI) should talk to John’s parents to let them know your thoughts.  Since they seem like a close family I think it’s a little cold to let them know via invitation.  And hopefully your instinct is right on that his parents would prefer an adults-only night.  Then they can be the ones to back you up on this!

As for where to draw “kid lines” – I don’t think you need to treat everyone equally.  I don’t think you can pick and choose individuals (I like this kid, don’t like that one), but as long as you have some kind of logical cutoff, I think it’s fine.  For instance, you can invite family kids but not friends’ kids.  Or no kids under 12 except the bridal party.  Or whatever.  It should just have some kind of logic to it that a reasonable person can understand.  Of course, not everyone is reasonable, but that’s not your problem 🙂

 

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