(Closed) Self-absorbed BM – How to deal?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

All I can suggest is to do like your doing and try to keep her out of the planning as much as possible.  She can still be a bridesmaid and stand up to support you and your Fiance but she may not be the best one to go to for wedding planning help. 

Post # 5
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have one of those.  She has had a lot of tough breaks over the past few years, lately and before I knew her (she started as FH’s friend), but I was there for her every single time since FH and I met. 

She has no problem calling me crying, or complaining, or bragging, but when I am upset or excited w/ news, she disappears or listens to 1 sentence, then turns it back to her.  Our phone conversations consist of her blabbing away and me saying “uh huh” “yup” “uh huh” etc.I helped her get a job and into grad school (recommendation letters).  I wouldn’t hold it against her except it’s the icing on the one-sided friendship cake.

It’s hard for FH and I to hang out with her together (she and I generally lapse into girl talk and he gets mad), so I invited her for girls’ night out with my best friends, all but 1 of whom are fellow BMs.  She’s met them all before, most several times.  She maybe’d me for weeks, then made other plans the day before.

WHATEVER.  FH is fed up with her too.  I’m going to let my Maid/Matron of Honor deal with her in terms of bridal shower, etc.  We’ll see where everything stands after I don’t talk to her for a while.

Post # 6
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@moderndaisy– I don’t really have any advice, but I wanted to say that I know how you feel πŸ™ I have a friend who is the same way– shortly after we got engaged, she tells me (while we’re out dress shopping) that she’s really excited for me– more excited than she thought she would be. I’m like, thanks. Ouch.

Now we’ve hardly talked since then and when we do it’s about her current bf that I think is awful for her. She never asks about the wedding πŸ™

I don’t know what to do, either.

Post # 7
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

sorry, I know there was no advice in there.  But venting felt really good and I am glad I’m not the only one with this issue.  Let your Maid/Matron of Honor deal with her!!!  Put a pause on the friendship!!!  Screen your calls!  Only talk to her when you are feeling calm, bored, and charitable.

Post # 8
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I agree with caszos. She’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man so she already knows how special she is to you – but I think keeping her out of the process as much as possible is a good idea for both her and you (and your sanity).

… and maybe introduce her to one of your FI’s single friends while you’re at it. LOL πŸ˜‰

Post # 10
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@moderndaisy– exactly!

Post # 11
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

First, I would try to just let her cool off.  It sounds like you are doing that.  But if it comes up again, maybe you could gently bring up how she sounds.  Maybe she doesn’t realize she’s sounding like such a downer.

Bridesmaid or Best Man:Hey Modern!  Do you need any help for the wedding?

Modern: Uh, thanks but don’t stress about it.  I’ve got it covered. Just come for the wedding and enjoy yourself.

Bm:  Are you sure?  You don’t seem to ever need my help?

Modern:  Well… It’s just that I know you’re bummed about not having a boyfriend.  And I feel like getting involved with some of the planning has upset you.  So I thought it would be easier this way. 

(Maybe she’ll get the hint.   And if the convo about “no one ever sets me up” comes up again, I would also be inclined to let her know that it’s difficult to find someone to meet ALL of her criteria, and maybe she should consider easing up on some of them.)

Post # 12
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh my goodness!  I think you just described my Maid of Honor!  It’s awful!  I have no real advice except to lean on your other girls for support. 

My mom once told me, in regards to relationships, “don’t keep going back to an empty well.”  Some friends are “empty wells” for some stuff in your life and others for other stuff.  That’s why you go to different friends for different things.  This bridesmaid is an empty well for you when it comes to your wedding.  Unfortunately, being a bridesmaid, this has a big affect on your wedding experience.  All I can say is that if you keep going back to her, you’re going to set yourself up for disappointment.  Back off, let her do her thing and show up for what she’s committed to do and turn to your reliable friends who aren;t “empty wells” during this time!

Post # 13
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Lady – my mom told me the same thing, but perhaps less eloquently!  It’s been hugely useful in determining which friendships stay and which go. 

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