Self-esteem/ body image spin-off

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 31
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

lightningbumble :  ^ re: the types of daughters we will raise one day.  I think about that a lot now that I’m getting married in July.  One thing I really want to commit to is not fussing too much over my appearance in front of my child.  My mom ate one meal a day for years when I was growing up and she was so mean about her weight “I look like a cow”– of course I modeled that.

Even if I don’t feel good about my appearance I don’t want to demonstrate that mindset in front of my child. 

Post # 32
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I didn’t always have great self-esteem growing up – I think I probably did till I was about 12 and then the whole appearance thing started kicking in (I was a fat kid and all of a sudden that seemed to matter!) This, combined with pre-existing issues with depression and anxiety, led to a pretty severe eating disorder throughout the end of highschool and my early university years.

Now, at 30, I would say I have pretty high self-esteem. For me this had a lot to do with finding things I loved doing and that I was good at, and setting some goals and accomplishing them. I also, weirdly enough, credit some of my self-esteem, to a habit which started as a joke where I would write “Be awesome” on my daily to-do lists and then check it off immediately. It was not started as any type of therapy but it ended up making me feel great (“Damn straight – I wake up awesome!”)

Self-esteem life goals? My 3 year old niece who dressed herself the other day in a totally bizarre outfit. When my sister walked by her room she was standing in front of the mirror and high-fived her reflection saying “Perfecto! Really jazzy!” I want to wake up and feel like that everyday!

Post # 33
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

lightningbumble :  I have low self-esteem about a lot of things, looks included. I honestly have no idea why. My parents were extremely supportive of me as a kid and never made rude comments about my looks. It drives my mother crazy, as she has healthy self esteem and always tries to ‘teach’ me about it.

Sometimes I’ll look at myself in the mirror and think I look good, but I am not at all photogenic and always feel upset when I see photos of myself. 

Post # 34
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think my appearance is nice (though I wouldn’t say I have high self esteem in other areas). I will acknowledge that my family Growing up there was very little emphasis put on appearance in my house. Physical activity was done for enjoyment and food was eaten because it was yummy and fueled your body. My parents fed us healthily and the concept of going on a diet was totally foreign. My mum didn’t wear makeup and clothes were chosen for comfort. As a result when I was young it didn’t even occur to me to think much about my body except be happy that it could run and climb trees – which is as it should be! I had the usual teen uncertainty in high school, but it was more to do with not knowing how to dress ‘cool’ or do my hair etc rather than my underlying looks. I actually got myself an eating disorder in uni, but once I got over that I settled back into the good lessons from my childhood.

Post # 35
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

I have great body image and I think it’s because of how I was raised.

In my home, looks were really not a point of conversation or focus. My parents put a lot of weight on doing well in school, music and sport, so those were the focal point of my self esteem. So until almost the end of college, those things were what I derived my self esteem from. It wasn’t until my early 20s that I started to care about makeup, hair, and what I looked like.

I read somewhere that girls model attitudes about body image from their mothers, so girls whose moms were always on this or that fad diet, who were obsessed about looking a certain way, got plastic surgeries, etc, are more prone to eating disorders and other image-related problems. Anecdotally, this holds true in my experience. When I was growing up, my mom never dieted. She ate when she was hungry, abstained when she wasn’t (mindless snacking was never a thing in our home), and she still fits into clothes she had when she was my age.

These days I’m really into makeup, hair, and all that stuff, but I have also never dieted, been unhappy about my weight or picked over minute details of how I look. When I have kids I’m determined to set the same example for them that my mom did for me.

My self esteem IS tied to those other things though. When I was young I would cry and stress over grades, over being the worst on my sports team, over not winning at music competitions. Is that better or worse than crying over your body image?

Post # 36
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

 

mkendrick :  My daughter wants to join gymnastics. This is my fear and one of the reasons why I haven’t enrolled her yet.

Post # 37
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

haileyblue :  +1,000 to this! I am in this exact same boat.

 

I have a twin sister who has always been called the “hot” twin so it really affects my self-esteem. I fluctuate between really feeling myself and also being unhappy with myself. I know I am attractive but sometimes I get really down on myself about my weight and can obsess about it, which Fiance hates! I try to say something nice about myself each time I say something bad… that helps!

Post # 38
Member
4054 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I had higher self-confidence before my son than I do now. Things just sit differently now, and despite the fcat that I take pretty good care of myself and work out regularly, things still just aren’t 100% back to where they were. I think part of why it makes me feel bad is I see all those celebrities who bounce back, and while I know they have a whole team, I do feel like there’s an expectation from others that we all do the same.

Outside of my looks, when it comes to my intellect/abilities at work etc I have very high confidence.

Post # 39
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee

I have horrible self-esteem.  It comes from the way I was treated as a “chunky” girl who turned into a morbidly obese young woman due to an assortment of medical problems.  I became “the pretty face” but that was it – you have a pretty face, but it’s a pity you’re so big.

Even though I’ve lost a massive amount of weight due to surgery, my self-esteem is awful, but when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I’m shocked by how pretty the woman looking back is…until I realize it’s me.  Then you can guess what happens.

I’m an expert in my field and work with national and international organizations in my field yet, my self-esteem from my size carries into everything.  

Yes, I’m in therapy, but it’s hard.  I know that I’m good at what I do and I’m pretty but I don’t believe it and feel like a fraud.

Post # 40
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

My self-esteem is ok these days (I’m 34) but I still wouldn’t call myself “pretty”, although I don’t think I’m ugly either.  As a kid / teen / young adult my self esteem was horrible, probably stemming from the fact that I was picked on a lot as a kid for my crooked teeth & glasses, plus I was just awkward.  Because of this, I attracted the kind of friends that would take advantage of me, and I allowed them to walk all over me. Once I hit my early 20’s I made a string of bad decisions involving hooking up with basically any guy that would give me the time of day, and I would make it my mission in life to get those guys to fall in love with me. (It was like I wasn’t validated of being worthy if I couldn’t get these guys to be interested in me.  It was a sad cycle!)

I’m now married and in a very healthy and stable relationship, which I think has helped boost my confidence.  Like I said, my self esteem is higher now, but I don’t necesarrily think high self esteem = thinking you’re pretty.  I have a very specific idea of what I find beautiful (face shape, bone structure, etc.), and I personally don’t live up to my own standards of that.  If I see a woman whom I think is drop-dead gorgeous (on the bus, in the store, etc.), I find myself staring and just thinking “If only I had her face!!”  It’s kind of sad once I type this out and read it, lol.  It’s not something I dwell on constantly but it’s definitely in the back of my mind.

Post # 41
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I had very low self esteem growing up and through my early 20’s.

It has taken many years for me to come to a place of comfort in my own skin and is still a work in progress.

My parents were quite critical at times and I often felt I had to keep up a facade of perfection in order to be accepted by them, so it made me act out and also made my very critical of myself.

As I have gotten older I have learned to be proud of my strengths and unique beauty and accept my flaws and weaknesses. 

 

Post # 42
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I had low self esteem for most of my life due to emotional abuse from my mother and ex husband. When my first marriage ended and I met Darling Husband and we were dating, I realized that my self esteem was causing issues in our relationship, so I sought out the most highly rated self help books on self esteem, trust etc and made it my mission to improve myself.

What I learned is that self esteem doesn’t just equate to thinking you’re attractive or not, but it manifests and jealousy, judgement and negativity. Having high self esteem doesn’t necessarily mean you think you’re hot, it means being content with yourself as a whole and being positive about others as well. Often times people who talk about how great they are and are judgemental of others really have very low self esteem to be honest. Which is why I was a little put off by the previous thread because comparing your attractiveness to others is really not a healthy activity.

I have never been as positive and happy as I am now, and no I don’t love everything about my physical appearance but that doesn’t define me anymore. 

Post # 43
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

lightningbumble :  On average, I have low self-esteem. Unfortunately, my self-esteem is directly tied to my weight. I am currently overweight and it really grates on me. When I was thinner, however, I was still self-conscious, just about other things. I know I have a great personality, but like the old trope goes, that doesn’t really mean much to many. However, I will say that being with my husband helps tremendously. He makes me feel pretty, sexy, hilarious, like I got a rockin’ body even if I don’t. From being with him, he’s helped me gain back a lot of confidence, but I have a lot of growing to keep doing.

Post # 44
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

Butterfly6 :  yeah, that is a tough call.  Hopefully she will have a coach that will empower her no matter what her size.  Unfortunately, the reality of ballet and gymnastics is that pervasive, antiquated view of what a ballet body/gymnast should look like.  Most of them would likely still argue that the low weight is directly tied to better performance and thus desirability (either to get into a ballet company or to score higher with judges, etc.).  I really don’t know.  

Plus both activities are extremely hard on the body and physical ailments start to manifest themselves as the person ages.  I’ve been struggling with a variety of issues (torn hip flexor muscles, bad knee, horrible feet/deformed toes from pointe work, ankle issues, etc.) supposely all stemming the pounding my body took when I was dancing.  Not to mention a broken tail bone from being dropped during a lift, a broken rib from my partner’s thumb going through my ribcage during a lift, broken toes/foot, many sprained ankles, etc. while I was still dancing. And I hear similar stories from my friends with kids in gymnastics. 

I just know that I’m scarred for life and wish I didn’t have this ugly albatross on my back every minute of every day. 

Post # 45
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wasn’t always highly confident. It took a few years to learn to be confident in my body image. I’ve worked hard (and worked out hard) to get to the end goal that I’ve always wanted. Once I hit that goal, I felt that I have achieved something that a lot of people haven’t yet! This alone was the biggest boost in my confidence!

Setting milestones up to that goal was what kept me going. It was really addicting to set a goal and reach it. 🙂

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