Post # 1
I’ve been with my Fiance for almost 5 years, and in many ways we are great together. We have fun, we argue constructively, and we have a pretty decent (3-4x per week) sex life. However, I feel like Fiance has done a few things that make me feel less than and like I’m not good enough for him.
About a year into our relationship, I learned that he would comment things online to women who posted nude photos. Specifically, on Reddit women would post photos of themselves naked and/or engaged in sexual activities. He had posted comments along the line of “Damn, I would love to maul that pussy” (yes, they really were that stupid sounding). We discussed how this bothered me and he said he would never comment like that again. I believe that he has kept his word.
In December of 2014 he was off work for a couple weeks over Christmas. One night we were out together and I saw that he had a brown mark on his neck. I rubbed it off and asked him what it was. He said it probably came from leaning against the fence post that he was fixing. I noticed though that there was now glitter on my hand and said, jokingly, “are you sure you didn’t go to a strip club?” Then he told me that he did in fact go to a strip club earlier that day. The thing is, I don’t care about strip clubs, you can totally go out (but I’d like to be invited) it just bothered me that he would lie to me several times about going.
This weekend we were in the car together and I found a punch card in his glove box for a lingerie coffee stand. He had gone multiple times (2 or 3, not dozens) even though this shop is 5 miles from our house in a part of town we very rarely go to because it’s inconvenient to get to. Also, on the way to this shop you would have passed no fewer than 6 other coffee stands/drive thru Starbucks. I tried to be the “cool girlfriend” and laugh it off asking if they had good coffee, but it bothered me and he could tell. He apologized and said he wouldn’t go there again, and I do believe him.
I just can’t get over the fact that he seems to love looking at other people naked, and in real life. I have no issues with porn, I watch it and we watch it together, but when it crosses into real life, it just hurts me.
Can you please advise whether I’m being completely ridiculous or what? I honestly don’t know what I need or want, besides to not feel like this.
Post # 2
I don’t know how he can make it any clearer that he’s always going to be chasing something. Boys will not always be boys, there ARE men out there that don’t behave like this and are only focused on you. I’ve experienced both, I can tell you that someone like this will only ever eat away at you and make you doubt yourself.
Men like this are hydras. You cut off one way of doing it and they’re all “I’m sorry I’ll never do it again” and they find two more ways. It’s exhausting having to keep having that conversation
You’re not powerless. You don’t have to be the “cool girlfriend”. You can choose to say enough, and move on.
Post # 3
impi: I don’t want to be harsh, but when you say “cool girlfriend,” I am thinking “pushover.” I know it is different when you are the one actually in the situation, but as an outsider reading about this online, it sounds like he has a very different view of what monogamous means than you do, and after five years together, I would not expect his opinions/actions to ever change at this point.
Are you cool with this behavior for the rest of your life? Personally, I would be out of this relationship.
Post # 4
I would ask him to put himself in your place and find out if he would be ok with the exact same behavior from you with other men. Also, stop trying to be the cool girlfriend, it always backfires. Be honest with him about your feelings the same way you just told us. Seems reasonable to me. Remember you teach people how to treat you. If there are certain boundaries you don’t want crossed then you need to make that clear to him in a respectful way.
Post # 5
impi: Honest question – why would you willingly be with someone whose actions make you feel less than?
This pattern of hyper sexuality and searching for sexual stimulous outside of your relationship sounds excessive. You’ve told him your line and he continually crosses it, not in the same way, but in different ways (can’t comment online, okay I’ll go to the strip club. Can’t go to the strip club, okay I’ll go to the lingerie coffee shop). You realistically cannot cover every single thing that would bother you, but rather would tell him where your barriers are and trust that he doesn’t cross those lines. For example, online looking is cool, but keep a seperation from fantasy and reality. But he keeps crossing these borders. Why are you trying to change yourself (trying to be the “cool girlfriend”)?
It sounds like he enjoys seeing women naked, or next to naked in person. If you continue to be the “cool girlfriend”, what is going to happen when he pushes the boundary again and starts an affair?
I would not feel comfortable with my Husband going out of his way to oogle other women on a regular basis.
For context – I’m cool with porn and strip clubs for special events, like Bachelor Parties or Guys Night Out. BUT keeping everything above the table is a must. If I found out my Husband was going to strip clubs during the day and keeping it a secret, I would feel hurt too.
Post # 6
Sorry I’m never the “cool girlfriend”. This would have had serious repercussions… as in I’m out.
Post # 7
impi: sorry bee, but his behaviour is not good enough.
you need to tell him how you feel and what you expect, or cut him loose.
Post # 8
He will always make you feel inferior with this behavior and furthermore, my question is, why would you subject yourself to that? YOU are more than that and deserve more than that!! Before my Darling Husband and I started dating, I had been in a serious relationship where I thought I would end up with the guy, but I continuously caught him doing things like that. It always drove me nuts to wonder what he would lie about next or if he was checking out another girl or girls that he found more attractive to him. Thankfully I had enough of his lies and catching him doing things like you mentioned…I finally found out he had been sleeping with his ex behind my back. I walked away and NEVER looked back. Yes, it hurt because I loved him, but I felt a HUGE sense of relief because I knew I no longer had to feel inferior, unwanted, or unattractive. When I met my Darling Husband, I realized how foolish I was to stay with this guy and actually think we would end up together. Now, I don’t feel inferior to anyone. My Darling Husband makes me feel beautiful in EVERY way and that’s EXACTLY what you deserve too!
You will forever feel inferior if you continue to stay AND he continues this type of behavior. Your self esteem will continue to take hit after hit. If he’s lying about things like that, which to me are serious, what else is he lying to you about? He has given you his word time and time again, but continues to prove that he can’t keep it. Mark my words, he will not change. As cheesy as it sounds, my best friend used to always tell me when I was dating that jerk before, “A leopard cannot change its spots, only its location.”
Post # 9
So…For some people, “real life women as sexual objects” IS their porn. To me, strippers, lingerie coffee bar waitresses, and nude pictures on Reddit are not things that *I* would find all that worrisome myself because they still strike me as well within the fantasy realm, but every woman’s temperament for these kinds of things is different.
My take on it is that your SO’s sexuality is a big part of his life. I know that sounds a little ho-hum to say, but another way of thinking of it is that *most guys* may go to strip clubs on occasion, but not really frequent them. That doesn’t mean that those who do aren’t capable of fidelity within a relationship, necessarily, by the way; just that they’re more into that sort of thing.
Now, TBH, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that sort of behavior myself and I probably woulnd’t be compatible with a guy like yours. YOU have to figure out for yourself if you’re compatible with him. Don’t bother being the ‘cool’ girlfriend; stand up for who you are and be prepared that may not work with the person he is.
Post # 10
impi: Stop laughing things off when they upset you.. You teach people how to treat you.. If you’re hurt by his actions, use your words!
To be completely honest, this guy sounds like a creep job and you don’t have to be with someone who puts you in a position of acting like a ‘cool girl’ when you’re not. It would be one thing to be fine with it but, you’re not.. So whats the benefit of pretending?
Also, I reeeally have to add.. Who goes to a strip club in the middle of the day?
Post # 11
impi: “He apologized and said he wouldn’t go there again, and I do believe him.”
Don’t believe him honey, he has told you many times with his actions that he is not going to stop.
You need to decide if you are ok with this behavior or not. It’s really fine either way, as long as you are being HONEST with yourself (not just “trying to be the cool girlfriend”). You might decide the deep down you are fine with your Darling Husband looking at other women in real life (it’s not necessarily that different than pornography) and that you can tell him to just do it and don’t tell you about it, or whatever works for you. Or you might decide that you just can’t get on board with this and that he isn’t the right match to make you happy long term. You may feel that you ultimately can’t trust that he won’t cross the line to cheating (however you two define that) or that you are uncomfortable with the way he views women as sexual objects, or that you are just embarassed by his behavior.
But I think whatever you decide, don’t expect him to change. He’s shown you that he is not gonig to and you don’t want to live your whole life with him constantly worried about what he’s going to do, or continually disapointed in him.
Post # 12
Stop being the cool girlfriend. Be the honest girlfriend.
Post # 13
I have no idea why you’re being so tolerant of this. I’m a liberal person and can understand many things, but this seems to be crossing a boundary that you have and he has done this repeatedly. Why would you want to marry and have children (potentially) with a man who so clearly does not have the same idea of monogamy as you do? Please leave before the cheating either begins or reveals itself. Have some standards, for your own sake.
Post # 14
impi: “I feel like Fiance has done a few things that make me feel less than and like I’m not good enough for him.”
This has ZERO to do with you not being enough. Full stop. Please don’t forget this.
Post # 15
Yeah, no. One of these things wouldn’t bother me if it were just that, just ONE thing. However, all of this is adding up to what could eventually be a big issue. This just seems like he’s testing the limits and working up to something.