Self Esteem Took Another Hit

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I don’t know how he can make it any clearer that he’s always going to be chasing something.  Boys will not always be boys, there ARE men out there that don’t behave like this and are only focused on you.  I’ve experienced both, I can tell you that someone like this will only ever eat away at you and make you doubt yourself. 

Men like this are hydras.  You cut off one way of doing it and they’re all “I’m sorry I’ll never do it again” and they find two more ways.   It’s exhausting having to keep having that conversation  

You’re not powerless. You don’t have to be the “cool girlfriend”. You can choose to say enough, and move on. 

Post # 3
774 posts
Busy bee

impi:  I don’t want to be harsh, but when you say “cool girlfriend,” I am thinking “pushover.” I know it is different when you are the one actually in the situation, but as an outsider reading about this online, it sounds like he has a very different view of what monogamous means than you do, and after five years together, I would not expect his opinions/actions to ever change at this point.

Are you cool with this behavior for the rest of your life? Personally, I would be out of this relationship.

Post # 4
10032 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would ask him to put himself in your place and find out if he would be ok with the exact same behavior from you with other men.  Also, stop trying to be the cool girlfriend, it always backfires.  Be honest with him about your feelings the same way you just told us.  Seems reasonable to me.  Remember you teach people how to treat you. If there are certain boundaries you don’t want crossed then you need to make that clear to him in a respectful way.

Post # 5
1112 posts
Bumble bee

impi:  Honest question – why would you willingly be with someone whose actions make you feel less than? 

This pattern of hyper sexuality and searching for sexual stimulous outside of your relationship sounds excessive. You’ve told him your line and he continually crosses it, not in the same way, but in different ways (can’t comment online, okay I’ll go to the strip club. Can’t go to the strip club, okay I’ll go to the lingerie coffee shop). You realistically cannot cover every single thing that would bother you, but rather would tell him where your barriers are and trust that he doesn’t cross those lines. For example, online looking is cool, but keep a seperation from fantasy and reality. But he keeps crossing these borders. Why are you trying to change yourself (trying to be the “cool girlfriend”)? 

It sounds like he enjoys seeing women naked, or next to naked in person. If you continue to be the “cool girlfriend”, what is going to happen when he pushes the boundary again and starts an affair?

I would not feel comfortable with my Husband going out of his way to oogle other women on a regular basis. 

For context – I’m cool with porn and strip clubs for special events, like Bachelor Parties or Guys Night Out. BUT keeping everything above the table is a must. If I found out my Husband was going to strip clubs during the day and keeping it a secret, I would feel hurt too.

Post # 6
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry I’m never the “cool girlfriend”. This would have had serious repercussions…  as in I’m out.

Post # 7
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

impi:  sorry bee, but his behaviour is not good enough.

you need to tell him how you feel and what you expect, or cut him loose.

Post # 8
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

He will always make you feel inferior with this behavior and furthermore, my question is, why would you subject yourself to that? YOU are more than that and deserve more than that!! Before my Darling Husband and I started dating, I had been in a serious relationship where I thought I would end up with the guy, but I continuously caught him doing things like that. It always drove me nuts to wonder what he would lie about next or if he was checking out another girl or girls that he found more attractive to him. Thankfully I had enough of his lies and catching him doing things like you mentioned…I finally found out he had been sleeping with his ex behind my back. I walked away and NEVER looked back.  Yes, it hurt because I loved him, but I felt a HUGE sense of relief because I knew I no longer had to feel inferior, unwanted, or unattractive.  When I met my Darling Husband, I realized how foolish I was to stay with this guy and actually think we would end up together. Now, I don’t feel inferior to anyone. My Darling Husband makes me feel beautiful in EVERY way and that’s EXACTLY what you deserve too! 

You will forever feel inferior if you continue to stay AND he continues this type of behavior.  Your self esteem will continue to take hit after hit. If he’s lying about things like that, which to me are serious, what else is he lying to you about? He has given you his word time and time again, but continues to prove that he can’t keep it. Mark my words, he will not change. As cheesy as it sounds, my best friend used to always tell me when I was dating that jerk before, “A leopard cannot change its spots, only its location.”

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  KKML125.
Post # 9
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So…For some people, “real life women as sexual objects” IS their porn. To me, strippers, lingerie coffee bar waitresses, and nude pictures on Reddit are not things that *I* would find all that worrisome myself because they still strike me as well within the fantasy realm, but every woman’s temperament for these kinds of things is different. 

My take on it is that your SO’s sexuality is a big part of his life. I know that sounds a little ho-hum to say, but another way of thinking of it is that *most guys* may go to strip clubs on occasion, but not really frequent them. That doesn’t mean that those who do aren’t capable of fidelity within a relationship, necessarily, by the way; just that they’re more into that sort of thing. 

Now, TBH, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that sort of behavior myself and I probably woulnd’t be compatible with a guy like yours. YOU have to figure out for yourself if you’re compatible with him. Don’t bother being the ‘cool’ girlfriend; stand up for who you are and be prepared that may not work with the person he is. 

Post # 10
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

impi:  Stop laughing things off when they upset you.. You teach people how to treat you.. If you’re hurt by his actions, use your words!

To be completely honest, this guy sounds like a creep job and you don’t have to be with someone who puts you in a position of acting like a ‘cool girl’ when you’re not. It would be one thing to be fine with it but, you’re not.. So whats the benefit of pretending?

Also, I reeeally have to add.. Who goes to a strip club in the middle of the day?

Post # 11
5897 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

impi:  “He apologized and said he wouldn’t go there again, and I do believe him.”

Don’t believe him honey, he has told you many times with his actions that he is not going to stop. 

You need to decide if you are ok with this behavior or not.  It’s really fine either way, as long as you are being HONEST with yourself (not just “trying to be the cool girlfriend”).  You might decide the deep down you are fine with your Darling Husband looking at other women in real life (it’s not necessarily that different than pornography) and that you can tell him to just do it and don’t tell you about it, or whatever works for you.  Or you might decide that you just can’t get on board with this and that he isn’t the right match to make you happy long term.  You may feel that you ultimately can’t trust that he won’t cross the line to cheating (however you two define that) or that you are uncomfortable with the way he views women as sexual objects, or that you are just embarassed by his behavior.

But I think whatever you decide, don’t expect him to change.  He’s shown you that he is not gonig to and you don’t want to live your whole life with him constantly worried about what he’s going to do, or continually disapointed in him.

Post # 12
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Stop being the cool girlfriend.  Be the honest girlfriend. 

Post # 13
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I have no idea why you’re being so tolerant of this. I’m a liberal person and can understand many things, but this seems to be crossing a boundary that you have and he has done this repeatedly. Why would you want to marry and have children (potentially) with a man who so clearly does not have the same idea of monogamy as you do? Please leave before the cheating either begins or reveals itself. Have some standards, for your own sake.

Post # 14
1770 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

impi:  “I feel like Fiance has done a few things that make me feel less than and like I’m not good enough for him.”

This has ZERO to do with you not being enough. Full stop. Please don’t forget this.

Post # 15
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Yeah, no. One of these things wouldn’t bother me if it were just that, just ONE thing. However, all of this is adding up to what could eventually be a big issue. This just seems like he’s testing the limits and working up to something.


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