(Closed) Self Esteem Took Another Hit

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
666 posts
Busy bee

The first thing that went through my head upon reading this was, “that f-ing Pelayo.” Your guy sounds like a guy I know. He’s also the type of guy who goes to stop clubs on a Wednesday afternoon. He accidentally texted me an invite once lol. 

Pelayo’s a really good guy. If you’re a guy. Unfortunately he treats women and his girlfriend like carp. He has an amazing sexy girlfriend but constantly chases and objectifies other women due to his self esteem issues (which I’ve always thought strange because he’s fairly attractive). The kicker is that he knows he has an amazing girlfriend and does wrong by her. Once he got drunk and broke down crying to me that he was a scumbag and didn’t deserve her. I  know that he’s cheated on her again since then with a girl who could never measure up. 

I bring up this story not to suggest that your boyfriend is a cheater like Pelayo. I don’t even know him. I mean to say that your boyfriend is who he is. From his lying, he already knows that this hurts you but he won’t change unless he is forced to. It doesn’t matter how amazingly sexy or cool you are or become. Put your foot down because he’s not going to suddenly see the light. 

Post # 32
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Being the “cool gf” never helped any guy actually get to know his woman.

It never helped any woman actually open up to her man.

It never helped any couple deepen their bond – in fact it prevents this from happening since you maintain a cool, airy, superficial relationship.

It is also based on acting and lies so you help a poor schmuck fall in love with an idealized version of yourself. If the relationship ever tries to take a step forward both parties feel resentful (One Bc they acted, the other bc they’ve been had! Bait and switch!).

Be honest Bee. With yourself (the writing is on the wall) and with him. 

Post # 33
286 posts
Helper bee

Okay, I am absolutely no expert in this area, but is it possible that your boyfriend has a genuine problem along the line of porn or sex addiction? From your posts it’s obviously neither of those things, but his behaviour to me sounds a little like an alcoholic trying to find ‘casual’ ways to get hold of booze during the day. Going to the strip club in the day and then lying to you about it is very strange behaviour. 

Instead of just upping and leaving him, first explore whether this is a genuine compulsion for him – I’d suggest couples’ therapy.

Good luck bee! You seem lovely, so I hope this has a happy conclusion for you. 

Post # 34
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

“mayl that pussy”… no, just no. That is one of the most disprespectful phrases I have ever heard.  I have good confidence in myself and dont feel threatened when my husband looks at other women as I believe that is natural.. but if he said a phrase like that we would have serious problems.  That would be a deal breaker for me.

Post # 35
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I second what daffodils said.

Like her, i’ve been in both positions and it’s complete crap that “boys will be boys”. Some men actually have a healthy approach to sex and handle themselves differently when they have a partner as opoose to being single.

He KNOWS this is upseting you BUT keeps doing it.

He’s a liar and isn’t going to change. He’ll just become more clever in hiding it until one day you find some other piece of evidence again.

Image all the other things that might have happened that you DON’T know about.

The longer you remain in a relationship like this, the more confidence you’ll lose and the more unhappy you’ll become. He is basically showing NO respect for you or your feelings. 

Post # 36
82 posts
Worker bee

Being the “cool girlfriend” is exhausting and not being authentic to who you are.

The cool girlfriends are the girls that have no boundaries, they don’t speak up because they are afraid they will scare their guy away.  Don’t be that girl.

Be strong, know who you are and make sure he knows who you are and what you stand for too.

Post # 37
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

Bee, do you see how literally no one on this post has sided with your boyfriend? This is not okay behaviour on his part.

Post # 38
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

impi:  I’m sorry you’re going through such a crappy situation.

My two cents is this: I used to go out with a guy who would lie about this type of stuff and say he’d never do it again, and I’d believe him because I thought I had to (after all, if I didn’t trust him what was the point in the relationship?)

Five years into the relationship I was abroad for a course and met my now Fiance. We spent an entire evening talking and hanging out – nothing more – with my best friend and her bf. By the end of the evening I knew that this was what I wanted. I went back home and broke up with the ex.

Sorry to say this, but it’s as others have already said, men like that don’t change. You’re either ok with it, or you’re not and move on. Good luck and lots of hugs xx

Post # 39
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I wouldn’t be friends with a guy who is this disrespectful to other women, let alone marry him.

Post # 40
1326 posts
Bumble bee

I was out the moment he lied about being at the strip club. If he lied, it’s because he knew it had overstepped a boundary and he did it anyway. 

Buh bye. 

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