Post # 1
So wedding planning has been going great – my family, friends and bridesmaids have all been super supportive… except for one person! My bridesmaids and other girlfriends planned my bachelorette party and the weekend they happened to choose didn’t work for this one bridesmaid. She started acting weird, sort of bitter that she couldn’t be part of it. Based on some of the comments I had heard from my other bridesmaids, it seemed as though she was blaming me because she thought I could dictate when the party could be. Anyway, right after she found out she couldn’t go, she decided to plan her own trip, inviting our circle of longtime friends… she asked if I was free or had a location preference. I said I was free and wouldn’t mind anything as long as it was relatively cost-effective to get to from where we live (since I’m saving up for the wedding). She decided to plan a trip on the opposite coast and everyone can make it but me. I feel hurt and maybe the timing is coincidental but it seems as though it’s deliberate.
On top of that, she is acting really selfishly behind my back. We are having a smaller wedding and when she found out that my best friend’s husband won’t be able to make it to my wedding, she asked my best friend to ask me if I could invite her best friend (who I am not friends with at all) now that one person has dropped off the guestlist.
She is also the type of person who loves to be the center of attention but I thought she would at least want to tone it down for my wedding since it’s my special day. Since we have an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, she told one of our mutual friends that she hopes to walk down the aisle by herself so that she can get a good picture by herself instead of with some guy she doesn’t know.
As much as I can’t stand her, I am a) non-confrontational and b) very consequence-driven. It erks me to think about the fact that she’ll be walking down the aisle and in all our bridal party pictures but at the same time, I don’t want to have to deal with all the repercussions of asking her to step down. She will bad-mouth me til no end and I don’t want to seem like a bridezilla, especially when I have very low expectations of everyone involved! 🙁
Does anyone have any advice on how I can distance myself from her on the wedding day? I just don’t want her to ruin this experience for me… maybe I just need to change my mentality?
Please help!!! THANK YOU!!!
Post # 3
I think the only thing to do if you feel as if you will regret her presence and attitude is ask her to step down. You can always do it by asking her how she feels, say you are worried it will cause a bigger rift, etc.
Post # 4
If you can’t stand her, why is she a bridesmaid?
Post # 5
I don’t really understand how these things make her selfish. Take a step back and breathe. I think you may be blowing this out of proportion, which is easy to do with all the stress and emotion involved with wedding planning.
If the two of you have deeper issues and you really can’t stand her, I don’t think there is much you can do if you don’t want to cut her out of the wedding party. I guess just don’t talk to her as much?
Post # 6
It sounds to me like you are getting a lot of the info second hand, and I personally never make decisions based on what others say, no matter how much I trust the source!
As far as not making it to your event, then seemingly setting hers so you couldn’t go- I’m not so sure that you are making an assumption. Even if it’s true, personally I’d let it go.
THis just seems like petty stuff to me, and I don’t think it’s worth upset before the wedding. you can decide after the wedding if you want to continue the friendship. IF she has spent money to be in your wedding, and hasn’t caused horrible termoil, I’d leave her in.
Post # 7
Seems like she shouldn’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Maybe your Maid/Matron of Honor or another Bridesmaid or Best Man can help you to cut her from the wedding (I mean be there with you when you tell her, not do it for you). Be prepared to reimburse her for any expenses she’s incurred for the wedding.
Post # 8
I kind of get the feeling that perhaps the two of you were not all that close to begin with and these things are all adding up. I totally understand because I invited a friend of mine (11+ years of friendship) to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man. We are fairly close but I have never planned or oraganzized a major event with her in those 11+ years. She has certainly started acting differently and I do think it’s part jealousy, part being selfish, and part not knowing proper etiquette or being sympathetic to the amount of things on a brides to-do list. I also know if I talked with her – she would be quite offended and she would step down – which would create even more drama. So… just distance yourself and let some of these things blow over between now and your wedding. I agree that it sounds as though much of your information is from other BMs and not directly from her so you need to put a stop to that. Tell your other BMs that you would rather let the one explain things to you and until then, they do not need to share stories with you. Good luck.
Post # 9
Unfortunately you can’t expect people’s personalities to change just because it’s your wedding. I am experiencing a similar situation(s) as well.
I hope, as well, that some people will “tone down” their personalities to let my Fiance and I have OUR day, but really I cannot expect it.
Best of luck!!!
Post # 10
I’ve having similar issues. A couple of my BM’s have been very… self absorbed. They simply won’t do anything unless its convenient for them. And that includes even smiling at my bachelorette party (not even kidding, one of them just sat around the entire night). I’m still really upset by it all, but I, like you, am not confrontational. And I just don’t want the drama that would inevitably happen. I haven’t asked for much, so I’m resentful that people have been so disappointing. I plan on just keeping communication minimal at my wedding. I don’t care if the same BM is pouting in the corner (which, in hindsight, I’m realizing is a regular occurence), I don’t care if the other one doesn’t like where she’s sitting, its the only time I get to say (if only in my head), “This is my day, screw you!!!”. So, basically, my advice- ignore as much as you can!
Post # 11
Why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid if you “Can’t stand her” ??
Post # 12
Thanks for the responses ladies. My friend and I were really good friends and she did something right around when we got engaged that really hurt me and made me rethink our friendship. I never confronted her about it and because we were such close friends before, she assumed she was a bridesmaid in front of all our other friends so it kind of made it awkward for me… I just wanted to keep the peace at the time and didn’t think it would be such a big deal to make her a bridesmaid and started regretting my decision as the months went on. :
Post # 13
This is a tough one, since we dont know you or this girl personally, and there could be so many other factors at work here in your friendship. If I were in your shoes, (and im non-confrontational too!) I would let a few weeks go by and see if things sort themselves out.
On your wedding day, you and your husband will be so busy meeting and greeting guests, eating, drinking, dancing, that I doubt you will hardly notice any of her antics (if she has any). Seriously, it wont even be a blip on your radar. I’ve had so many friends worry about things on their big day, and you know what? They always work out, always!
Post # 14
If YOU can’t stand her, and YOU hate her so much, then YOU are the only one *allowing* her to make you miserable.
You are giving her a tremendous amount of control over your wedding. Ask her to step down and be done with it. Only you are letting her have the ability to make you this upset.
Post # 15
Maybe the act she took when you guys got engaged has colored your viewing of her and since the things she used to do are just bothering you more? You could have a sit down and talk to her about it. I know you’re non-confrontational, but I think you can’t boot her from the event without talking to her first probably so this would at least set the stage for if you DO want to boot her in the future.
If she doesn’t shape up you can say “I know we talked about our problems, I still don’t feel comfortable despite our talk.. While I still want you at the wedding, I think it best if you come as a guest and not a bridesmaid.” And at least she’ll have KNOWN there was issues.
Post # 16
If she is going to ruin your wedding day you need to not have her there.