(Closed) Selfish for eloping?

posted 8 years ago in Elopement
Post # 17
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My dream is to elope & then celebrate back home with something simple. No super traditional elements. I love the idea of the two of us alone somewhere. He is very shy & I know a big church type thing would not be a good setting for him. That said, I also love the idea of all the people I love being in the same room. Elopement plus party is the best option for me. 

 

Post # 18
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t think the elements of the wedding are selfish, it is the way you act about it. A couple could go to Paris or the courthouse and they’re still just as married as a couple who has a 400 guest church wedding or a 20 guest backyard ceremony.  The people who act showy and flaunt their wedding details to everyone they know and all of facebook are going to do that no matter what kind of wedding they had.  You can be humble or arrogant about anything.

For myself, I’m pretty reserved.  We are eloping to the courthouse.  We will wear nice new clothes and I’ll have my hair done.  I hired a good photographer to take pictures in a nearby park and afterwards my husband and I will go out to dinner.  I am incorporating some pretty “design elements” like a sign for our car, my bouquet and a tiny wedding cake because I am a details person and those elements mark the occasion in my opinion.

When I get the pictures back, I will mail one with a wedding announcement to friends and family.  I’m not going to post everything on facebook or hope the photographer gets featured on a blog.  If she does, hey, that must mean they photos turned out really nicely and that’s more publicity for her!

Post # 19
Member
6114 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I honestly cannot fathom why it is selfish.  My family could care less about a wedding, so to have someone feel “upset” that they weren’t there to witness it is such a foreign idea to me.  Hence why I don’t get the selfishness.

Post # 20
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
@sienna76:  I think traditionally eloping meant getting married without your family even knowing, often with the intent of never coming back to your hometown. Some people still think of eloping more along these lines. So when they hear the word it conjures up all sorts of negative ideas.

Post # 21
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@redsangria:  Do what makes you comfortable as a couple. It boggles my mind how some people are so narrow-minded that they pressure others to have a wedding even if they know the money could be put towards something more important.

I think big weddings a nice if you want them and can afford them… but in general they’re a massive waste of money. I wouldn’t dream of spending the average 25K on ONE FREAKING DAY.

We are considering eloping, and I have to admit I feel a little bit of guilt even thought my family never indicated once to me that they expect me to have a big wedding. I was going to do a simple ceremony and then take immediate family and our closest friends for dinner after… but after running that idea by my family, they thought it was stupid. Now I’m in the mindset of ‘screw them, it’s OUR day, can’t please everyone’, and we are considering eloping away from the city we live in.

It’s true that you can’t please everyone, so do what you want to. I think that’s the best way. If a person is angry after the fact and asks you why you eloped, tell them that it’s a waste of money to spend it all in one day, you can’t please everyone, and that you did what was right as a couple. If they still disagree then too bad. They must lead sad lives if that sort of thing bugs them for any length of time… it’s their problem.

Post # 22
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

there is nothing wrong with eloping! if that is what works for a couple then they should be free to do it without judgement. 

i just read the article though, and somewhere in there i think there is a point. there is NOTHING wrong with wanting a nice dress, a pretty locale or beautiful pics to remember your wedding. it’s just sad that in modern society some people are thinking about how something will look on FB or if they will make it on to Style Me Pretty rather than marriage when planning their elopements

Post # 23
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We wanted soooo badly to elope. But I didn’t elope because I needed my immediate family to be there (mom, dad, siblings, etc) so we decided on a Destination Wedding. We only had our parents, siblings, and one friend each at our wedding. Some thought it was kind of rude of us not to invite the entire family/friends, some congratulated us on not doing things the traditional route, some have even stopped talking to us period. I say, who cares! Its your wedding, people who love you will congratulate you and be happy for you regardless. And that’s what matters!

Post # 24
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t see anything wrong with eloping, but I know that if Fiance and I decided to go that route my dad would be thrilled, his mom would be crying. We both want to have a wedding, Fiance had a not so nice “court house, theres a baby on the way, you better marry my daughter” type of first wedding and it killed his mom for lots of reasons. She is really really looking forward to our wedding, but for lack of funds not lack of desire can’t really contribute anything to our now $18,000 event. My mom and Step dad are pretty well off and will end up paying for about half with us and my dad making up the other half. There are plenty of times that I think how much easier it would be to just have a nice small ceremony with the two of us and a dinner after. But people are expecting this big event now and would definitely call us selfish for eloping and now sharing our day with them. You can’t win…

Post # 25
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
@StinaBremm:  I think it’s selfish for people to want you to have a public wedding when it’s not what you want for YOUR wedding

View original reply
@Rusalka:  You can’t win either way, so do what makes you happy.

I totally agree on both points. People will find SOMETHING to bitch about. It’s not about them, it’s about you. I couldn’t care less if you want to JOP or have an elaborate elopement. Why is okay to $pend for a traditional wedding but not an elopement? That smacks of hypocrisy to be. Do you.

Post # 26
Member
6114 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

People get photos for their traditional wedding all the time, some even walk around with flipbooks before there was Facebook!  How is that any different?  We just have a different medial tool nowdays.  It’s still the same!

 

What if you have people that don’t care if they don’t see a wedding?  Is it still selfish then to this author?

Post # 27
Member
3373 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I see both sides I guess. I think a small wedding is the best compromise.

I’d be a teensy bit disappointed to not see my best friend or sibling’s wedding. It’s a huge thing to grow up with someone and then attend their wedding and promise to support them through their marriage. But of course everyone is different!

Post # 28
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I saw that article when it came out in the NY Times and sent it to my Fiance, because that is actually exactly what I wanted. A nice vacation for the two of us and nice pictures for us to always look at.

And yes, that is what he said, that it is selfish to elope and not all that cheap either.

OK, fine. So I agreed to have a regular wedding here which we are currently planning. Now I am selfish for wanting an expensive wedding dress and a nice place to have the wedding.

Seems like if I agreed to get married in a potato sack in someone’s backyard with hot dogs on paper plates, then maybe I would be an OK bride.

Post # 29
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
@freshturkey:  Seems like if I agreed to get married in a potato sack in someone’s backyard with hot dogs on paper plates, then maybe I would be an OK bride.

HA! Nope, then it would “how could she invite us to this? hot dogs? The nerve”.. Can’t win. 

Post # 30
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

View original reply
@bklynbridetobe:  HA HA HA HAAAAAA. This is true!

What if I wrote on the hot dog wedding invitation:

No gifts please–this is a casual affair–here is the response:

“How dare she tell us no gifts. Does she think we can’t afford to give her a gift? The nerve of her.”

By The Way I too am Brooklyn born! HOLLA!

 

 

Post # 31
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@Sheepshead:  

I agree. My parents would pay if I let them. I won’t let them. I will be the first of their children to get married but I am dang near 40 years old and there are 3 other kids in the family.

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