Selfish in the bedroom?

posted 8 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Which do you think will hurt his feelings more:

“Hey, I know you’re stressed at work, but I want to fully enjoy the wonderful loving sex with we have. I will enjoy it way more if you can do X, Y, and Z things to me! Think of how great this will be for both of us!”

or

“Surprise, I haven’t orgasmed in years but I never wanted to tell you and now I want a divorce.”

If his ego is so delicate he cannot handle you advocating for yourself enjoying your shared intimate experiences, then he might not be a great long-term life candidate. If he gets super defensive or shitty about it, that tells you WAY more about him. A good, decent partner will be open to feedback. It has the potential to be a delicate conversation, sure, but he should be able to survive it.

Post # 20
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Letitbee1 :  Yes. You don’t have to say, “Your dick don’t work and you finish faster than a microwave dinner, get your tongue in there” (unless that’s your dynamic). But a feedback sandwich (“I LOVE our sex life” + “I need something extra, I’ll be so much more satisfied if you do XYZ so I can get there first” + “Your technique is so sexy, I’m already looking forward to it”) with clear, direct instructions about what you need should be enough. 

Post # 21
Member
1127 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I guess come at this from a bit of a different angle, because in a lesbian relationship, it’s a bit of a different dynamic than male/female relationships. For one, there’s no guaranteed orgasm for the…uh… “do-er” during sex, like there typically is with a man. The whole goal of doing things to the other person is to allow them to orgasm, and while it is possible to have sex that’s pleasurable for both people at the same time, and that can be a lot of fun, it’s typically more of a reciprocation type of deal. She does me, I do her. Like a tag team 🤣

However, that said, my fiance isn’t really as into receiving as she is into giving. (Oh poor me, I know lol.) I would happily reciprocate every single time, but she actually prefers to just meet my needs and then cuddle up afterward. There are, of course, times when I’m the “giver” without any reciprocation, as well. And occasionally we both get/give some action (this is my favorite, honestly). But, to put it bluntly, I get to orgasm a lot more from sex than she does.

On the surface, that may sound “selfish” on my part, but it’s really not. It’s just how we are. She has some body and emotional trauma type issues that make it difficult for her to let go and let me pleasure her a lot of the time, but does really enjoy and get pleasure from pleasing me, if that makes sense.

So I guess that’s my long way of saying…I think it really just depends on the couple and what works for them. 🤣

Post # 22
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think both need to finish every time and I think it’s ok to be selfish in bed. But it has to be equal. As in if I only do him today then he should only do me some other  time. I also feel that both partners need to take care of each other but we are in charge of our own orgasms. As in we should tell what we want. 

I don’t finish every time we have sex. He sometimes doesn’t want to finish either but I usually tell him it’s ok but sometimes he is into the moment and does. Sometimes I have to ask him to finish me, sometimes i don’t need it, sometimes he offers. In general he tries to do me first. I don’t think there should be keeping score or having the pressure to give orgasms.

Post # 23
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I had to deal with this with my SO when we first got together. I was NEVER getting mine and it was partly my fault because, in the beginning, I would fake it until we got deeper into our relationship so that hopefully it wouldn’t hurt his feelings. (I was trying to cushion the blow for when we did talk about it, I suppose.) After a while I just mentioned it to him one morning while we were talking.

It wasn’t easy, you have to choose your words carefully because nothing is quite as fragile as the male ego, and it took more than one conversation. This is not an overnight fix. It also took multiple trial and error encounters where we worked out a system for me to let him know what was and wasn’t getting me there IN the moment that wouldn’t BREAK the moment. (If that makes sense.)

There were a few arguments and some tears were shed and for a while it was a lot more trouble than it was worth, in my opinion. I honestly wished I hadn’t brought it up but after we worked everything out it was definitely worth it!

I also think it made us more comfortable talking about sex in general. Early on when I first mentioned it, he almost shut me down and didn’t want to talk about it. It was weird, it was uncomfortable and you know I get it! But once he realized that I wasn’t happy, he committed to working on it and we pulled through and now he is way more comfortable talking about sex and our sex life than he was before. 

Post # 25
Member
2369 posts
Buzzing bee

“because nothing is quite as fragile as the male ego”

I have seen this comment a couple times on these boards and it absolutely blows my mind.  Not all male egos are fragile.  

My SO always tries to get me off first during sex, but I’ll let him know when it’s just not going to happen so that he doesn’t wear himself out and can enjoy it for himself.  

And I have never once faked an orgasm to make a man feel better about himself.  How will they learn??

Post # 26
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

sharpshooter :  This is a great point. We can’t treat our partners with kid gloves if we expect them to learn and grow as people. Hopefully, they are people we can expect better of!

Post # 27
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

sharpshooter :  See I guess that’s the difference between your man and my man because if I let him know it’s just not going to happen for me, he loses interest and doesn’t want to continue. 

Every man is different and, usually when they do have an ego, it is very fragile.

Letitbee1 :  Not necessarily because it honestly wasn’t that long. I think we had been together about three or four months when I brought it up so we would have only been having sex for two or three months when we started working on it. (I’m sure that seems like a long time to everyone but it doesn’t seem that long to me.) 

I think my main thing was to wait until we were comfortable with each other, not just in our relationship, but with being intimate. In the end I think the timeline was pretty appropriate, we were in a sweet spot so to speak. I also think this was the first relationship for him that sex was talked about instead of just something you do, hence why he was so put off when I first brought it up. I know it was the first relationship I had brought it up in because it was my first real relationship. I had honestly only had sex with two other people before him and I wasn’t in a relationship with either of those people so it was a fake it and move on kind of thing. 

We also have a different view of masturbation because of this. He found out that I was masturbating while we were going thru this and it hurt him pretty badly. He had stopped when we got together and it upset him that not only had I kept doing it but that I knew my body better so I was getting something with myself that I couldn’t get with him. We talked about it, he aired his feelings about how uncomfortable it made him, especially based on the circumstances, and I told him I would stop. (So we don’t do “self love” even after almost two years. When we want that, we have sex together.) 

Like I said, that issue with us has made it a lot easier for us to talk about things of this nature. I don’t think we would have ever had the masturbation talk if the door hadn’t already been open to talking about how you feel in the intimacy department. 

Post # 28
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

My SO and I agree that we just consider the sex never ending.   Sometimes I get off, sometimes he does sometimes we both do, we don’t stress about keeping score.  If I don’t get off this time, I probably will next time. We have sex several times a week at least.  But it’s still about being respectful. If he hasn’t got there a couple times I’ll go down on him and make sure he does the next time.  Sometimes it’s ok to just relax after an earth shattering orgasm and now worry about paying them back that instant.   My turn always comes around. 

Post # 29
Member
2369 posts
Buzzing bee

thebeekeeper :  you do realize that big egos typically equate to low self esteem?  Which is why he reacts the way he does to anything he perceives as criticism.  

 

Post # 30
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

sharpshooter :  This is true and we’ve worked on that too. He’s improved leaps and bounds, as have I, and I like to think that we’re much more confident than before. We don’t have nearly as many issues in this area and we’ve grown a lot as a couple and as individuals.

Do you know that we don’t need a personal therapist? But I’ll keep you in mind if it ever comes up. 😉

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