Selfish in the bedroom?

posted 7 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 47
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

Letitbee1 :  I understood what you meant the first time.  My advice still stands.

Post # 49
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee

Letitbee1 :  Oh, bee, I’m sorry he didn’t respond well. I had an ex like that… he kind of pretended to care, but at the end of the day he seemed to think something was wrong with me that I didn’t like the way he was used to having sex, and he was offended that I couldn’t cum with him. When he would make attempts to get me off (after I brought up the issue with him), he got frustrated if I didn’t cum right away — and that in turn made it stressful and not enjoyable at all for me, because getting me off seemed like it had more to do with his ego than my experience. Yikes. 

In your case, I don’t know if I’d dump him immediately… it’s still possible he is teachable and just didn’t react well in the moment. I’d send him some articles stating the stats on how many women orgasm from sex alone, and make it clear that it’s very normal for women to need foreplay and other types of stimulation. I’d also express to him what you’ve said here – that he should want to make sure you’re enjoying yourself. That you love making him feel good because you care about him, and that you want him to feel the same way about you. That you understand he hasn’t been conditioned to have that attitude, but it’s a dealbreaker for you if he’s not interested in your pleasure. 

That said, if he doesn’t show remorse and make a genuine effort at reform, leave. His response to you was pretty tone deaf and I would be concerned that he is careless and selfish in general. If he is just hapless, then he should be eager and willing to change his ways. If he’s unwilling to do so, then he’s not only selfish but stubborn and inconsiderate. 

Post # 50
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee

I would dump him tbh. He’s selfish and based on his response he won’t change, if he doesn’t care about your pleasure and enjoyment now he never will. This isn’t just an issue with sex, it’s an issue with him putting his own needs and enjoyment before yours. If he’s had previous girlfriends and is sexually experienced I’m pretty sure he knows the vast majority of women need and want foreplay.

You’ve told him as tactfully as you could that you want foreplay, which is just a basic requirement of sex to most people, but he’s made this all about him, don’t be fooled by the “I guess I’m just selfish” that’s self pitying nonsensed designed to guilt you into thinking you’re expecting too much, I doubt he even believes it, and if he does he should be embarrassed and do everything he can to change now you’ve pointed it out to him. 

Post # 51
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Letitbee1 :  jeeeeeez, grabbed your ass a bit???? What does that even mean?? That’s so garbage & makes me angry for you, OP. At this point he’s essentially just using your body for pleasure like a sex doll or something. DUMP HIM.

Post # 52
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I personally wouldn’t use the word selfish it’s like the rest of our relationship sometimes I am more needy sometimes he is. Very rarely is it 50 50. We both try to satisfy each other as much as podsible

Post # 53
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

OP I am proud of you for speaking up. It’s clearly a touch subject for you and quite frankly, shame on him for not being able to take the most considerate constructive criticism ever. While am I not ready to advocate for his departure just yet, ill say keep on ADULTING.

1) Try initiating what YOU want and need the next couple of times telling him that you want to try something different. No point in being shy I mean you’re already doing it LOL you might as go for what you want. And sometimes guys just don’t get it and have to be shown.

2) Observe his reaction. Does he go with the flow / follow your lead? Does he get frustrated and want to go back to what’s to what’s best for HIM? Does he show the sane tendencies in other areas because chances are high…

3) Speak with intent. Vocalize what you want you will remove the excuse of not you not saying anything. Do not FAKE it this time. Yup be an motionless body if despite ALL THAT he just doesn’t care about your pleasure. Why would you participate in that? Then you can tell him that’s exactly how much he gave you and most likely EVERY women he’s ever been with: NOTHING! Then get up and leave out throw out his sorry behind. You’re probably 20-40-something. Even at any age, there is still so much life to ENJOY out there! Go find your happiness! 

Post # 54
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

DTMFA.

Post # 55
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

Letitbee1 :  I have no patience for selfishness, especially in the bedroom. It doesn’t have to be “your turn then my turn” type of structure, but it should be even enough that you don’t have to write a post like this. 

 

How do you broach the subject? Like this “I’m not having enough orgasms in bed, this is a problem. Let’s work on it.” And discuss what you like, what you don’t like, what you need more/less of, etc. Good luck!

Post # 56
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I think if nothing else works, just stop having sex. Lay there like a doll until he asks what is wrong. When bad sex starts affecting him, he will listen. 

Post # 56
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I think if nothing else works, just stop having sex. Lay there like a doll until he asks what is wrong. When bad sex starts affecting him, he will listen. 

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