(Closed) Selfish Sister? Who is right? Who is being too stubborn?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@luckyprincess: i guess as someone who has spent entirely too much of my 20s in school or working crazy hours (i’m a resident), the things in life like family and friends have come to mean much more to me. because at the end of the day a diploma is just a diploma and a job is just a job. but a wedding is about a lifetime committment–for the sister, it’s about adding a brother-in-law. . .it’s about the person you are going to have kids with–it is the day that you are starting a legacy.

in my opinion–much, much more important than a class.

Post # 33
Member
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@hellorebecca: I agree with you. I missed so much because I didn’t want to miss classes. Now look at me. I’m not even working in the feild of my degree and I’m making more money than most people with a degree in a job that really didn’t require said degree. Ugh.

Post # 34
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m sorry for the dilemma you’re having to face right now.  I think it’s a bit unreasonable that your sister won’t even consider talking to her professor about the situation – most professors are in touch with their human side and recognize that sometimes extenuating circumstances need to be worked around. 

On the other hand though, is there a specific reason why your wedding has to be in June?  I know you said you always wanted to get married in June but is there something other than that?  Are you and your Fiance students who need to get married on school holidays?  Are you starting new jobs or moving houses after June?  Are many of your guests unable to attend the wedding if it is not in June?  Is there another reason why you have to get married in June, as say opposed to July or August?

If there is something else there, then by all means, I say keep your original date – it is YOUR wedding.  However, if it is solely your desire to get married in June because it’s what you’ve always wanted to do, I think a date change requires some serious consideration.  If you keep the date just because you want to, knowing full well your sister may not be able to attend, or if she can, she may not be able to be a part of the wedding, that seems a bit selfish to me.  Your sister has no control over her school schedule and this could well be something that affects the rest of her life.   Will your marriage be massively affected if your wedding takes place in July/August as opposed to June?  

Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t know all the particulars of why you want a June wedding, I’m just trying to point out some other things to think about… 

Post # 35
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Your sister is already enrolled in her program and has her class schedule, correct?

And, from your post, you don’t have a date set in stone and don’t have any venues booked, right?

Sounds like your sister cornered the date before you did.  Sorry.

 

Post # 36
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

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@hellorebecca:

I don’t see a wedding as some sacred event, I guess.  Maybe it’s the divorce rate, but it may not be the only wedding she ever has, it may not be the start of a legacy if they don’t have kids and it will only be a lifetime commitment for about 50% of people that marry.  That’s not very unicorn and kitty cats I know, lol, but when you are talking about education verses a wedding reception you can’t really be emotional when weighing the two.

I mean, honestly, you get married and then have a party 😛  The wedding won’t pay her sister’s bills, get her into a great job, set up her career or give her the knowledge she’ll need later in life.  If a job is just a job then she should just not be in school at all.  Maybe if it were her wedding, that would be different, but it’s not – it’s her sisters.  Her sister’s wedding does nothing for her future at all, you know?  If it were her own wedding then she might deem that more important than her education (although I still think that’s a bad idea) but I’m able to balance school, family, love and friends in my life without sacrificing any, I think.  And I don’t care much about monetary things, either, so it’s not that.  I guess its just a difference in priorities for everyone 🙂

Post # 37
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@luckyprincess: i understand where you are coming from. . .but obviously i have my own personal bias on the topic. i hope they can work something out that accomodates them both!

Post # 38
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

I think your sister needs to try and talk to her professor ASAP, because he or she may be reasonable and work with her on making that course work up. But I have had teachers in college (not even grad school) that have said a wedding is a not a reasonable excuse for missing a lab or a test or etc. If she really and truly can not miss this day of class, then you need to decide if it is more important to have your wedding in June or to have your sister as your Maid/Matron of Honor. Plus, as other posters have said, getting the venue you want on that weekend in June is going to be tough at this point in time. My friend had to book her venue exactly a year in advance, and that’s an April wedding, June is a much more popular month.

Post # 40
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t think your sister is being jealous or selfish. She has much less control of her class schedule than you do of your wedding date. Yes, both are important. But yours is more a choice than hers.

My Mom is a professor in a Masters program that meets only one weekend a month and she is pretty clear that missing that one weekend will bump your grade at the very least down to a B. Not because of attendance, because of missed work and labs. Usually, those that miss one class end up with C’s or worse simply due to not comprehending what they missed in lecture. She DOES work with them to get them the work, but they missed the lecture. That’s the important part when you have a weekend class. 

What’s more important to you? A wedding date in a random preferred month or having your sister there and happy? I’m not trying to be harsh, but it’s a choice for you and for her, this is her masters program. It lasts a LOT longer than one day, and she has put a lot of time and effort into it so far that it’s, to me, rude to CHOOSE your wedding day to conflict. There is no actual reason other than “you like June.”

Like PPs have suggested, she will have July 4th weekend off most likely. It will really set the tone for the rest of your relationship with your sister what you choose now. Honestly what’s more important, your wedding date or your relationship with your sister? Personally, my family means a lot more to both Fiance and myself than our anniversary date. We very carefully chose our wedding date to avoid any conflicts and couldn’t be happier.

Good luck and please be aware of who and what your decisions affect.

Post # 41
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I’ve had professors who had a zero tolerance policy on attendance.  One professor said the only excuse for missing class was that you were dead.  And in that case it wouldn’t matter that you failed.  He had been teaching the same class for 15 years, and he never made exceptions to that rule.  It was common knowledge, and he put it out in August that if you missed ONE class you failed.  Period.  Some professors really are that strict.

I realize there is an importance to what date you want, but if it’s important to you that your sister attend, then I think you’ll need to work around her school schedule.  It doesn’t sound like she is trying to dictate your wedding date, she’s just being honest about her situation.  If I were her, I would be hurt if you went ahead with Saturday anyway and basically forced her hand in not attending.  Grad school is expensive and GPAs are important.  Even if she doesn’t fail for missing one class, it’s not fair to ask her to drop her grade.

My vote is move your wedding to a Sunday on the weekend of your choice.

Post # 42
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think either of you are being selfish, you both feel you’re right and in a way you are. You both have very valid points. But I say it’s your wedding so you need to decide if you’re o.k with her missing some of the event and possibly needing to step down as M.O.H.

Post # 43
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@CarcWelberg:

I know it may be hard for your sister, and I’ve been to grad school twice now, but if it were me and my sister were getting married and had asked me to be maid of honor, I’d take whatever hit on my grade I got for missing that day. I’d also talk to professors now and explain the situation, try and see if I could work things out so it wouldn’t impact my grade. I understand she only has class on weekends and that makes it very intense each class day, but come on! She’s not missing class to go to the movies, and this is a major event in her family. Ten years from now what will be more important?

Post # 44
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

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@karenski:

It’s hard to say what would be more important.  It depends – is she working for less money because her GPA was low because she missed to attend?  Is her sister still even married after 10 years?  If yes to the first or no to the second, well, I guess the grad school was more important……just as devil’s advocate. 

In 10 years, will the fact that they had it two weekends before they orignally wanted to be more important than her sister taking that ‘hit’ on her grade?  I would never want to accept a lower grade for a party – any type of party for anyone and no one in my family would ever try to guilt me into getting a lower grade in school or missing an intense class just for their wedding. 

Post # 45
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It’s not really about “only missing one class.” It’s more about… why would you NOT want your sister there and/or have your sister’s grade affected when you can very easily change your date to something more suitable?

I don’t get it. We are avoiding all family birthdays (I have three sibs, Fiance has one, and we have step-siblings) as well as my brother’s graduation and prom. I’m not going to ask them to miss something to celebrate my wedding day. They should be completely happy to be there, not wondering what they missed in class or missed out on.

Post # 46
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Having a husband that is in University I understand her dilemma. My husband hasn’t missed a day of class even when he or his aunt were ill. School is probably very important to her. I wouldn’t change the day exactly, maybe the time? Although changing the date to Friday would make everything a lot more convenient for everybody involved. Be considerate of her obligations if you want her as your Maid/Matron of Honor.

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