Post # 1
I have tried to look this up in ettiquette books/blogs and I see conflicting answers. My question is this, why on earth do you have to send a wedding gift just because you were invited? That “policy” opens the flood gates for brides to go crazy inviting people they 1) don’t like BUT know they have money 2) people who they know won’t or can’t attend, just so they can get extra presents.
In my opinion, gifts are to be given from the heart, because you want to give something. If someone I knew who I was close to, eloped or had a very tiny wedding and I wasn’t invited, I’d send them a gift because I want to, because I am happy for them. A gift isn’t suppose to be an obligation. At least I didn’t think it was.
Can someone tell me 1)is it really ettiquette to send a gift just because you were invited and 2)why? I mean who decided this was a good idea or that it even made sense?
How do you ladies feel about being obligated to give a gift to the couple just because you were invited, even if you can’t attend?
Post # 2
I would never dream of not sending a gift, even a small one, to a couple who invited me to their wedding. It’s a gesture of support and kindness towards a couple who tried to include you on one of the biggest, most important days of their lives.
I’ve never heard of a couple inviting people who have money solely to get gifts. Most couples have a hard time trimming their guest lists back, not adding extra people for the sake of gifts.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Good etiquette says you’re not obligated to send a gift but if you want to it’s not bad etiquette to send the couple something. I would only send gift if I am close to the bride and/or groom.
Post # 4
EncoreBridetoBe: Gifts are never required. They are optional.
My assumption is that if I receive an invitation to a wedding, I am close enough to that person to send them a gift and my good wishes. The value of the gift is based on my realationship with that person and nothing else.
I have never received a wedding invitation from someone with whom I was not close enough to send a gift.
Post # 5
I have always given a gift even if I can’t make it. Then again, I’ve only turned down weddings because I can’t make it- not because I’m not close to the couple.
I’ve never heard of inviting someone while hoping they turn down the invite but still send a gift. What if they all say yes?
Post # 6
Gifts are never required – but they are something that show a congratulations to the couple. It’s like a birthday – don’t you give your friends gifts or take them to dinner or out for cocktails for their birthday?
I’ve only ever been invited to a wedding once where I felt like the only reason I received an invitation was for a gift. I didn’t go, and I didn’t send a gift.
That being said, I have been invited to weddings that I couldn’t make for whatever reason and I have always sent a gift. These are my friends, whom I support and love, and sending a gift in my place makes me feel good and happy. I don’t break the bank, but then usually if I can’t make the wedding (and I usually only don’t go if it requires a hefty travel fee) I come out slightly ahead anyway.
Bottom line – don’t send a gift if you don’t want to. No one says you have to. We’ve got people that aren’t coming to our wedding, and we haven’t received a gift from them all.
Post # 7
tigergrrl2008: if we miss each others birthday, we miss each others birthday. If we can’t arrange plans with in a week of the birthday we just save it until next year. I take Larry David’s stance on it and so do my friends (see the episdoe “Ben Stiller’s birthday party”)
Post # 8
Guests, whether they attend or not, are not required to give gifts. It’s just a nice thing to do, like holding a door open for someone. That being said, if you can’t make it to a wedding, it still would be nice if you gave a small gift, especially if you are close with someone. It’s a personal choice, something up to the discretion of your generosity and budget. No one should begrudge you either way.
Post # 9
It was very much an ingeneral question as I have been reading different takes on the question. I would never expect a gift from someone who did not attend (not that I expect gifts period, just you know I REALLY don’t expect them from people who don’t attend) unless we are very, very, very close.
* I read an ettiquette forum and there were women( I assume they were women, I don’t really know its the internet) getting in to the invite for the present knowing they’ll never come topic
Post # 10
I always send a gift if I’m invited to a wedding and I can’t attend, but not out of obligation, just because it’s a nice thing to do. I have never been invited to the wedding of someone I didn’t know well though! I don’t know what I would do in that case.
Post # 11
I don’t see gifts as obligations. I enjoy giving people things, even if it is cash. If I’m invited, I will send something.
I think the whole “gift grabby” thing 99% myth. Most brides are more worried about looking gift grabby than those that are actually gift grabby. And as a great post I read form a different site said recently “Why would I throw a $10,000 plus party just to recieve gifts.” The math of the gift grab really doesn’t work.
Post # 12
EncoreBridetoBe: I voted “If I don’t go they don’t get a gift unless we are close. Gifts are not obligations.” I gift if I want to or can do so if I am not going. Otherwise, I do not feel compelled to gift.
Post # 13
LilRhodyGem: yeah thats what I thought. I give people gifts because I want to. Then I read there are rules and I was like ‘what’?!
Post # 14
I’ve only declined an invitation to one wedding. I like weddings and make a real effort to try to attend them, if possible. The one I declined was accross the country a couple months before my own wedding and we just couldn’t swing it. I felt bad that I couldn’t make it, even though my friend was very understanding. I sent a gift because I wanted to.
I’ve never heard of a real person who invited people just to get more gifts. I only ever hear about theoretical greedy people that would do this, but I’ve never actually met someone that I think would do that. So I assume that people invite people that they want to be at their wedding.
Honestly, I would assume the increased wedding costs, if they should accept the invitation, wouldn’t cover the possible gifts, so it sounds like a bad idea to me, even if you were trying to be greedy.
I know I invited a lot of people that I thought probably wouldn’t be able to make it due to distance. But I genuinely hoped that they could make it. I certainly wasn’t inviting them for a present and I hope nobody would think that of me. I’d rather have them any day of the week.
Given all that, I would send a gift if I was invited to a wedding that I was unable to attend. Because I would want to celebrate/congratulate my friend/family member who wanted me to share their day with them.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I like to send a gift as a congratulatory gesture on the couple’s new marriage. I don’t think I’ve ever had an “obligatory” invite though, and we certainly didn’t extend those at our wedding either. I’ve only been invited to weddings of people I care about and that I wanted to attend.
The idea of someone inviting everyone they know just to get more gifts is fairly outlandish.