(Closed) Send a gift to a friend who didn’t invite you to their wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

In my opinion, since you weren’t invited you aren’t even almost obligated to give a gift…

Post # 4
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@rockoko: I think there’s a kink in your thinking, that’s probably been planted by modern bad etiquette-magazine advice. You see, it is NOT ‘pretty rude not to give a gift when invited to a wedding’. Gifts are not supposed to be about tit-for-tat or about pay-back for the invitation. They’re supposed to be a generous expression of your happiness for someone you love. So if you love someone but they were married privately for some reason, you give them a gift. And if someone you barely know invites you to their wedding for some odd reason, you don’t give a gift (and you also decline the invitation, since you should really only go to weddings that you ARE happy to support.)

So don’t over-think this relationship. The real question is, do you love this couple enough to WANT to send them a gift. I’m guessing, no, since your fiance was reluctant even to give flowers to his hostess at breakfast — when flowers are the most appropriate, universally-acceptable hostess gift. That notion, I did find a bit wierd! Flowers are a much better idea than extra food, which might clash with what your hostess was serving and which might imply that you don’t trust her ability to plan and cook a meal.

Sending a small-to-medium gift now, is your best choice provided that you do it because in the spirit of generosity, you want to give a gift. If the real reason you feel motivated to give a gift is just that you are afraid of feeling obligated when (or if) they give you one, then don’t give one. Just send a nice thank-you for whatever gift you receive (if any — and don’t pass judgement on them if you do not get one!) A hand-written “thank-you” is the only thing required to balance out the social debt created by a freely-given gift.

Post # 5
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

If they choose to bring a gift to your wedding, more power to them. But you weren’t invited to theirs, and hence have no obligation to buy them one. If you’re thinking you need to get them something only because they “might” buy you something, then your train of thought is a little derailed. If you want to get them something “just because” and you’re a giving person like that, go for it.  

Post # 7
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree that you are under no obligation to send a gift, but if you are so inclined to send one, why not? I think it would be a nice gesture.

Post # 8
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t want to sound rude, but if you fiance is sure that you guys aren’t good enough friends to bring flowers to their house or buy them a wedding gift, what made them good enough friends to invite them to your wedding? Thats where I’m confused about this.

Post # 11
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@rockoko: I hear you about weird guy social codes. My Darling Husband has some weird ones too. I’m trying to break him of them. LOL.

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