(Closed) Sending a substitute guest? are you kidding me?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
48 posts
Newbee

                             I think this is something your Fi(or maybe his parents) need to handle. He should call them and say in a nice way that he’s sorry that she can’t come but as several other cousins weren’t invited-or words to that effect-if she comes it will create bad feelings, etc. This is ridiculous though. I’d be irritated as all get out too.

Post # 4
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Seriously? I’ve run into all sorts of problems because of not allowing children and guests — but this isn’t one of them.  You need to have your fh or his parents deal with this.  Did they just write in their daughter’s name on the RSVP?  How old is their daughter?  IF she is under 18 call and say that you are terribly sorry but your wedding is at an adult only venue.  If she is over 18, that is tougher, but just saying that cousins were not invited and making an exception for their daughter will cause problems on boht sides. 

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I say you do nothing.  Truth is, it was incredibly bad form for them to say they are sending someone in their place but I think they knew this.  I dont see how you can say anything without stepping into the same shoes as these people (ill mannered bums) I would say nothing unless you think she will cause actual trouble.  The fact that your fiancee "doesnt know her" is indicative of nothing.  Sorry, you think you know someone so you invite them and well…chalk it up to your judgement in choosing to invite the parents in the first place.

Post # 6
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I do ot agree with JU at all. You are well within your rights to say something and this isn’t "your fault" either. I would have your Fiance or his parents call and say that they are sorry to hear that they won’t be able to attend, but their daughter won’t be able to come due to the fact that they weren’t inviting any other cousins, or adults only if she’s young. Good Luck

Post # 7
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

What if you and your fiance wrote them a letter and enclosed their rsvp card, saying "I’m so sorry we will miss you at our wedding, but unfortunately we are unable to extend an invitation to your daughter."

Post # 8
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

I also agree that your Fiance or his parents need to deal with this. It’s one of his mom’s or dad’s brothers or sisters, so they should be able to talk with them. Just tell them that only they were invited and you’re sorry, but she can’t come.

Post # 9
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Whoa! I guess I’m not seeing it the way you all see it.  I totally understand about not inviting "substitute" guests, but at the same time, since this is your aunt, she may want someone to represent her family at the wedding.  I don’t think she’s thinking it’s a free ticket, but she wants her family represented at your wedding.  At least for my family, if you didn’t show up to a family gathering like a wedding, it doesn’t look good.  Does anyone see it that way?

 

 

Post # 10
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I guess she might just want to hear about the wedding, so asked her daughter to go?  its still strange.  A long time ago my sister and I were invited to a wedding, both got our own invites, but no guests.  We were both with people – me with my now husband, her with her long-term bf and father of her two kids.  ANywyay, we were both going to go, even though clearly we are not very close with this cousin.  Then after RSVPing my sister realized it was her best friends surprise bday party that she had helped put together – she is terrible with keeping track of her plans – so I ended up bringing my then bf because they had already included her and had to pay for her.  very different situation, but kind of similar.  I could have just let them lose the $ they spent.  Maybe they figure you had already planned on inviting the father, so you clearly had the space and the budget.  while I think it is rude they did this, it might be hard to justify not allowing her.

Post # 11
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I agree with Joanne… I have a HUGE family, and when first forming our guest list my cousin gave me her list of family invited to her wedding. Her list included several family members not on my list – when I asked my mom she mentioned a conversation with one of her aunts that included "where does it stop?" as far as extended family being invited to weddings.  So my mom and I agreed that we would invited a closer to the family "extended" aunt to the wedding and she could tell everybody about it.

I think for the sake of keeping the peace – you should drop it.

Post # 12
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Call me crazy, but I actually think it’s a nice gesture to send a family representative.  At my wedding, my parents’ closest friends couldn’t make it because of a long-term illness.  I don’t know their daughter as well, but she and her boyfriend attended (granted, they were invited) and they called their parents from the wedding and passed the phone to my parents, so their friends could be there in spirit.  I was so glad that they came out and represented their family.

My aunt and uncle couldn’t make it, but my cousin and his girlfriend could (again, they were invited) and this was another instance where I was so appreciative that that part of the family could be represented.  

So, maybe it’s against etiquette, but I think it would be far more graciouis to accept the cousin (and to get to know her!) as a representative of the family.  I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Post # 13
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2007 - Rosary Chapel & Monterey Marriott, Monterey, CA

I’m with Joanne on this one. Instead of seeing it as "rude," I consider it a very gracious gesture on their part. You invited them to be at your wedding, and they are so regrettably not attending that they’ve asked their daughter to attend in their place. If they didn’t want to go, they’d have said "no" but in their case that would have been more rude?

As someone WELL removed from the invitation process after 1 year, I’ve seen far too many people get upset and ruin family relationships over small things. You’re saving money and sharing the moment with a family member. These are both happy things. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

I see it both ways.  I agree with Joanne about your aunt wanting someone there to represent their family so they don’t look like their family doesn’t care about you.  I think when it comes to life you have to pick your battles.  is this something really important to you?  if no then just let the daughter come.  you probably won’t even know she’s there and you would have spent the money on your aunt anyways. I have a very large family and in our culture it’s simply not acceptable to tell someone that their daughter can’t come as their representative so this would be the option I pick, (to keep the peace). 

If this is something that you really really care about then I suggest that your Fiance and his family deal with it.  They need to make it clear, (in a polite way), that although they are very sorry that the aunt won’t be able to attend, you don’t know the daughter that well and you have some very close friends that were not invited due to space limitations, (don’t say budget because then they’ll offer to pay for it), and you just wouldn’t feel  right about giving out invitation to people you barely know and not close friends.

 Hope that helps. let us know what you decide to do.

Post # 15
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Ah, I can see both sides of the argument here.  And really, it comes down to family politics, so everyone’s situation would be different. 

On one hand, if I was close to some relatives who couldn’t make it, and they sent someone in their place I’d be happy to see them, as Maude said.  

In actuality, I’ve already been told "replacement guests" are coming (and invitations aren’t going out for another 6 months! ha!) for some relatives that I’m not keen on having as it is – same thing, a cousin coming for an aunt.  Apparently in that part of the family, invitations mean the whole family, not just who is on the invite.  I’d not invite any of them were it up to me, but I don’t have any say in it really (just to keep a long story short).  It’s just not a battle I feel like fighting over one person. 

My advice would be to think carefully on the family politics, and use that as a guide.  There will be people at your wedding you don’t know all that well.  And hey, at least you’re only paying for one instead of two?

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