(Closed) sending invites – ettiquette question

posted 5 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 3
2945 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We know my FI’s aunt can’t come to our wedding.  We are still sending an invite because we want her there.  We are including a personal letter telling her that we understand that she can’t come, but this is a token telling her that she will be missed. 

Post # 5
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why do you think that your friends and family won’t come? Do you want them to come? I say invite the people that you would like to be there. If they can make it, they will come. If not, they won’t. Don’t invite people for etiquette reasons. Invite the people that you want to share your day.

Post # 6
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

This is a tricky one for sure.

The Rule of Thumb is to do the Polite Thing as much as possible.

And YES that means sending even those you don’t expect to attend… an Invitation so they feel included (be given the option to attend)

So first you work out a Guest List of WHO you’d like to invite… and make it equal & opposite… so if you do Aunts & Uncles, it should be on BOTH Sides, 1st Cousins, 2nd Cousins, etc

So ya, if your Mother’s Sister Sandra & Uncle Phil get an invite… then so should your Fiance’s Brother Robert & Aunt Mary

(Even if you sent out Save-The-Date Cards and they told you they weren’t coming then)

Because the truth is that between the Save-The-Date Cards and the Invites someone could change their mind / make arrangements

Brides who have such a dilemma… such as myself for my First Wedding when my Ex’s Family were all from out of State / Province…

Usually do a ball park estimate on who is likely to come and who isn’t… and it is perfectly OK to also work with a A List and a B List (including A & B RSVP Dates) if necessary

In which case you send out one round of Invites to those farthest away first… and then as those NOs come in, you make your way thru the Other Invites and your B Listers (if we end up with more NOs than expected)

You can find previous topics here on WBee where I’ve helped other Brides sort out how to effectively use A & B Lists… the SECRET lies in working them so that it isn’t apparent to the whole world that you have 2 Lists… or WHO is on which one.

Hope this helps


Post # 7
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Yes yes yes. Send an invite no matter what. I know my aunt and uncle can’t make it to the US from England just for my wedding and I know that FI’s great aunt from Canada won’t be able to make it down either but we still sent both of them invites. It lets them know that even though you know they can’t make it, they’re still important enough to be invited.

Post # 8
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I was wondering about that too–my mom would like me to invite her long-time boyfriend’s adult kids (who I grew up with but am not close to). They live on the West Coast and we are in Chicago, so I don’t think they would make the trip (nor does it matter much to me whether they do or not, although if they were in town I would certainly invite them.) Since I don’t think they’ll come I also don’t want them to think I’m just fishing for gifts. I plan on waiting til closer and asking Mom’s Boyfriend or Best Friend what to do, but I’m interested in others suggestions!

Post # 10
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @habibti: Lol, there are soooo many ways that people can look gift grabby for sure (so I get your concerns)

BUT Inviting people you LOVE and would LOVE to have come if they could… is not one of them.

Leaving them out, sends a worse message.  So don’t do it.

Send all those you’d LOVE to be there an Invite, and then let them figure it out.

If you use an A List and 2 different RSVP Dates, you can work it thru… you send your far away Invites out first… and then you’ll have a better idea of what is happening.

AND always keep a few spare seats at the end, incase anyone calls at the last minute and says “We have wonderful news, we’ve decided to make a Vacation of it, and we can make it afterall”

And what a surprise / blessing that would be, no ?

Out of Town Guests are thrilling… Out of State even more so…

BUT Out of Country… well those can be truly priceless “Gifts” their being able to attend !!

Some of the greatest joy of planning a Wedding is when such a thing happens

PS… When it comes to Weddings… Boxed Gifts are truly optional.  If someone near or far wants to send you a gift they will.  And you may even get gifts from those you know who aren’t invited (like a Neighbour) it just happens… be gracious.  People only want to wish you well.


Post # 11
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I struggled with this too, but ultimately decided to send the invites. What decided me was when a friend of ours didn’t send us an invite to their wedding because they knew we wouldn’t be able to attend, and I felt a teeny bit offended! Like, dang, weren’t we even worth the stamp? Lol, so I figured I ought to send them to our distant relatives just to make them feel included.

(And then we found out that they HAD sent us an invite, it had just gotten lost in the mail! Haha, so then I felt guilty for feeling offended!)

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