(Closed) Sending thank yous for no gifts?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Thank you for my cousin?

    Yes, send a thank you for just attending

    No, do not send a thank you, it may seem insincere next to the thank you for my Aunt

  • Post # 2
    Member
    49 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    justyourbasicpumpkinluvr :  

     

    I attended an out of town wedding for a good friend of mine. She requested no gifts for out of town guests, which I appreciated since I spent almost 500$ to attend. She sent a person thank yu note that her and her fiance signed and it said thank you for attending our special day. I would send one to all guests who attended. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    247 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t know the technical etiquette here, but it definitely wouldn’t hurt to send a thank you note to those attending. I personally would, but I send thank you notes for a lot of occasions (i.e. if someone I’m not particularly close to takes me to dinner). They did travel and take time out of their lives to celebrate, so I think it’s definitely worth acknowledging! 

    Post # 4
    Member
    13782 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    The standard is that with a few exceptions, thank you notes are for gifts. It’s actually etiquette inappropriate to write one for attendance since it can be seen as a passive aggressive gift grab. 

    The fact that your cousin lives with her mother does not enter into it. 

    The reception itself is the thank you for attendance. Actually, though many people don’t seem to know this, the correct thing would have been for your cousin to write you a note to tell you what a beautiful wedding it was and thank you for hosting her. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    560 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    I’d address the thank you note to your aunt and cousin. It’s the nicer thing to assume the gift was from both of them, and I’m sure your aunt won’t mind sharing the credit with her daughter. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    8601 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    thank yous are for gifts. Otherwise its just an awkward elephant in the room/note. Hey thanks for the lovely…. presence! You already thanked her for her support by wine-ing and dining her at the reception.

    Post # 7
    Member
    13782 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    View original reply
    orangeblossomhoney :  I think you have to follow the aunt’s lead. Unless she signed the cousin’s name to the gift, a combined note would be neither accurate or appropriate. You’d be thanking the cousin for a gift she had nothing to do with, which could be embarrassing to both of them. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    95 posts
    Worker bee

    I don’t know. I would probably send one. I would say something like, “Thank you for coming and spending the day with us. It means so much that you took the time to witness our union and celebrate the start of our marriage. It wouldn’t have been the same without you!”

    Post # 9
    Member
    70 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    I did not have a destination wedding, however I did have a few guests who did not give a gift. I really struggled with this, in the end I did end up sending a thank you note for those who took the time out of their day to celebrate with us even if a gift was not given. It’s a tricky situation for sure. Still not sure if I did the right thing, but I did truly appreciate their attendance and was not trying to be passive aggressively “gift grabby”. All I can hope is that they know me well enough to not assume such a thing! 🤷🏻‍♀️

    Post # 10
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee

    Perhaps the Aunt’s gift was extra generous because she knew her daughter was not in a position to give a gift. In which case, I think a card thanking your cousin for attending would be a nice gesture. Something simple acknowledging the need to travel and indicating your appreciation of her presence.

    Post # 11
    Member
    9949 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    The reception is how you thank guests.  Sending thank you cards is for people who went above and beyond attending your reception by bringing a gift.  It’s technically inappropriate to send thank you cards to people who didn’t bring a gift because, in many circles, it’s perceived as pointing out the person didn’t bring a gift. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    7930 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    The reception and the receiving line (or visiting tables) are to say your thank-yous for attending. Thank you notes/cards are for gifts because you were unable to thank them directly. Etiquette is quite clear on this; you do not send thank-you cards for attendance only.

    Post # 13
    Member
    3085 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    justyourbasicpumpkinluvr :  The wedding reception is the thank you for attendees. A card is the thank you for gifts. Anything otherwise is not proper etiquette.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    13 posts
    Newbee

    If you’re writing handwritten heartfelt notes, they’re definitely only for gifts. I have a horrible time doing that for some reason so I usually opt for photo cards from cvs or wherever and send them to everyone for attending. I know or friends don’t particularly want pictures of our baby on their fridge, but they did think they were nice when they opened them, and family loves any photos of us, and they definitely give more of an “everyone received this” vibe that’s not passive aggressive. Generally when people go above and beyond I add another, handwritten card within the envelope, but everyone gets a cherishable photo card and seem to appreciate them. 

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