(Closed) sensitively jealous of romantic proposals (long)

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your proposal certainly doesn’t sound un-romantic to me…I think it’s cute how he kinda got you by saying he wouldn’t propose on your anniversary, and then did it at exactly midnight, like the very second it was over he didn’t want to wait any longer. And I’m sure the letter was romantic. As far as the ring goes, I can see how it would be a bit disappointing, but I’d be glad that the person I was going to be marrying was financially responsible, I wouldn’t want him dropping a bunch of money he doesn’t have on a ring.

And no offense, but I’m not really surprised your Future Brother-In-Law didn’t include you in the planning process for his proposal when you so clearly don’t want to hear about it and are jealous and not really happy for them. Your feelings are what they are and I know it sucks to have feelings you’re ashamed of or don’t really have control over – but it doesn’t really sound like you’re trying to get past it and be happy for them. It sounds like every time your Future Brother-In-Law does something nice for his Fiance you just get more angry and upset. If you keep comparing you’re just going to get more unhappy and hurt your Fiance even more, no good can possibly come of it. No relationship is perfect, I’m sure they fight and she feels upset and let down sometimes too – but you’re not going to hear about those moments, they’re private and not exactly something I would expect her to share or brag about. 

Post # 4
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@princessggg:  I fully understand how you feel (I might have felt the same way as you to a certain extent if it was me) – and it may feel a little like that. However, if you look at it like there`s a lot of great things to come you may feel better. I think you need to try to keep your feelings in check and I feel bad for your fiance because it really takes a lot for someone to propose. It sounds like you hurt your guy a lot so you may need to do some mending to your relationship …

Post # 5
Member
11351 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It is human nature to sometimes feel envy and disappointment when we compare ourselves and our experiences to others and their experiences. Although it’s normal to be tempted to do this, and we all struggle with this issue at various times in our lives, it’s important to realize that, by yielding to that temptation, we’re likely to keep reinforcing our own negative feelings.

I have been there many times myself, and I know that, instead of looking at what others have, I need to learn to be thankful and grateful for what I have. Sometimes it’s hard to do that when our expectations are so high — especially when it comes to these (theoretically) once-in-a-lifetime moments and events such as marriage proposals and weddings.

For the record, it does seem as if your Fiance put SOME thought into your proposal. He had to have done so to have given you the letter and to have brought those two rings with him on your beach get-a-way. He may not have thought about as many details as his brother did when he proposed to his FI; however, that doesn’t mean that your Fiance didn’t plan. He just planned differently.

Life really is filled with opportunities for us to choose to either be joyful or miserable. We may have little or no control over some of things that may happen to us, but we — and only we — have control over how we choose to think about them. I encourage you to do your best to let go of the envy you are feeling regarding your FBIL’s FI’s proposal. Green (with envy) is not a color that looks good on anyone.

Post # 6
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Fiance proposed to me right out of the shower. I was dripping wet, old Tshirt, no makeup, you get te picture! But you know what? He was so excited and the whole thing was heartfelt. I had always imagined a public proposal but he wanted an intimate special moment just for us. It sounds like your Fiance wanted the same. I love the “I just woke up” proposals. I think they are so romantic! There have been quite a few in romantic comedies, so maybe that’s where he got the idea. I also think te letter sounds super sweet! Why don’t you go back and read it?

And I don’t know, I think *sometimes* when men do huge dramatic proposals it’s also so they can get to say “hey look what I did… I’m awesome!” (I know a couple who brag about how they proposed… It’s not a competition!).

I know it’s hard but try to move on! It all has the same result… Marriage! I don’t think proposal type is an indicator for how your marriage will go. I wouldn’t change my “boring” proposal!

Post # 8
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@princessggg:  I’m happy you feel better!!! My proposal was big and public and nothing at all what I would have wanted (not saying I didnt love it, I did, mainly because he was so proud of himself and I’m marrying my best friend, but whenever we had talked about it it deviated completely from what I had described lol), I would have LOVED to have your proposal (small, intimate, sweet, i have always felt that those are much much more romantic) but now the most important thing is to get back to your Fiance and make him feel better. It sounds like you really hurt his feelings and no matter how you felt about it, thats not ok 🙁 Call him or go over to his place and make amends, tell him that yes, it wasnt your dream proposal but that its not what matters, what matters is that you love him and he loves you. 

Post # 9
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@princessggg:  Something that is always important to remember is that a lot of times guys’ and gals’ definition of romantic is different. It sounds like your man has much more of a simple, small, intimate idea of it, and you are more of a sweeping grand gesture person. For him, he probably did put thought into it, and had it all planned out like he wanted – it just wasn’t your plan.

I can see why he would be hurt. I am guessing for him, he had this idea of waking you up to a proposal that was “not” on your anniversary, a funny/cute misleading ring, etc. I think it was probably made up of things that are special to him, and he thought you would also enjoy it. I think it would be a splash of cold water to the face to not only realize that your fiance didn’t like her proposal, which is bad enough, but that she is bitter and feels like you didn’t do anything for it, when in his mind he had all these cute ideas. 

I can understand being disappointed in it not being what you wanted, I could totally picture myself doing the same thing, and secretly feeling a lot of jealousy when what I wanted happens to someone so close by.

But don’t sabotage your future by dwelling on your past. You can’t change your proposal, and now you are making yourself and others around you miserable. You say you have 2/3 of perfect things – wedding, and man. Plenty of people don’t get to experience those two, either. So for now, focus your energy on the future, don’t mess up your relationships by getting snagged on this one issue. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would second the comments about being responsible and not going for a $9k ring which he couldn’t afford (I’m guessing the Future Brother-In-Law had to get a loan or something?) so sweet that he promised you an upgrade too! I wouldn’t sweat about the ring, or the proposal, it sounded lovely and intimate (which is what I want my own proposal to be like!), just bask in your own happiness that you remarrying the love of your life. The other couple will have their own issues, the grass always SEEMS greener, but it very rarely is…

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@princessggg:  Hey I know how it is, my Darling Husband can be pretty unromantic when it comes to big events. I’ve learned not to compare and that if I want something special I have to pretty much tell him that. But I always make sure (well, now I do, after a few tough lessons where I hurt his feelings like with what happened with you and your FI) to tell him what I want BEFORE it happens instead of after when it’s too late. Like a couple of weeks before our anniversary I’ll be like, “Hey I really want you to take me out to a nice dinner…like, one where you need reservations and can’t wear jeans. And I like flowers. Especially the kind we used at our wedding.” At first I hated doing that because I felt like he should just KNOW and want to make it special on his own. But that’s just not his definition of romance or how his brain works, so it’s better for everyone if I just tell him what I expect.

Thank you for taking the advice and not just getting mad!

Post # 13
Member
1181 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s not the best proposal, but he did propose. And he promised to buy you your dream ring in the future. Just concentrate on planning your wedding!

Post # 14
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@princessggg:  Well, I don’t think that anyone should bash someone for something that we all know we might feel (I know I would feel the same way in a way) and I am glad you feel better. Besides, what is done is done (you cannot very well go back and change what you did). Important thing is you have learned from the experience. I hope you find a good outlet – you can always vent on the boards or write something out or find someone you can talk to before you explode the way you did. It’s never wrong to feel a certain way, it’s just about what you do with those feelings. Smile Good luck – I hope you are able to have a good talk with him!

Post # 15
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My husband proposed to me in Thailand directly after I finished a rant about all my friends getting engaged. He just basically passed a ring to me like you pass the salt and pepper.  Didn’t ask me “Will you marry me” didn’t get on his knee, nothing. I had to piece it together in my head. I think your engagment blows mine out of the water.

Post # 16
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

You’re not alone. My ex husband didn’t even propose… we both just kinda agreed that we should probably get married, I ordered our rings online, and we got married 2 years later. During those 2 years, I begged and begged him to propose officially… never happened. He awkwardly got down on his knee during dinner for our 1 year wedding anniversary and asked me if I “would do it all over again”… our marriage was already rocky… in my head I said “No!”, but out loud I said “Yes”. People around us thought we had gotten engaged. I wasn’t thrilled, but at least we got free dessert.

 

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