Post # 1
Wondering how long it takes other people’s hormones and sensitivity levels to calm down after a miscarriage?? I miscarried one month ago and was eleven weeks pregnant, (I also had one at 6 weeks last year). I had a D & C this time and have had to keep going to the maternity hospital to get my bloods screened every two days (due to elevated HCG). It’s now reduced a good bit so I don’t have to get it tested for another two weeks. I have found the later miscarriage much more difficult physically and mentally and find I am very sensitive to other people’s pregnancies.
I have a good friend (who is an absolute sweetheart) who is now 10 weeks pregnant so she was a month behind me and she has been texting me updates of her weekly scans which I’m finding hard to cope with (particularly at the stage when I was still bleeding and having morning sickness due to the fact my HCG was still so high!). Her’s is an IVF pregnancy and I am thrilled for her that she’s pregnant but the info on her scans re fetal measurement ec is hard to take (particularly given we were both using the same OB/GYN). My other best friend gave birth last week and I was very happy for her (mind you it stung a bit that we were both in the maternity hospital at the same time, me at the haematology section getting my ongoing HCG tested and her on the labour ward, at least it was convenient getting to visit her!). Finally a friend at work (some of whose work I’ve had to take over) just had a baby today and even though I’m really happy for her I find I’m now upset all over again. I feel like I’m surrounded by pregnancy and people expect me to be tough and just “get on with it” and I feel like saying to everyone “people it’s only been a month, give me a break”. I should also say that throughout the whole experience I was only able to take one day off work (long story) and that day was spent having my D & C. I feel like I’m being a bit self indulgent and am trying to shake off this self pity but I just can’t. I know my hormones are flying it still and that probably accounts for some of this hyper sensitivy but I feel like this phase of my life will never end. My husband has been pretty ok about it but he doesn’t really get it. I am blessed to have a little three year old daughter but even she knew I was pregnant and now keeps asking where her brother or sister has gone! ?
Post # 3
Oh, sweetie……Massive amount of hugs your way, across the Atlantic!!! It must be sooo hard dealing with so many babies and pregnant friends all around you :-(..i miscarried once and for a long time i could not even see a pregnant woman on the street without feeling absolutely terrible. Yes, envy, saddness, a longing..
It will take time..hold on to that little girl of yours and hopefully in the near future you will hold another little person..truly, truly hope so..
Post # 4
Oh sweetie…I wish I didn’t know how you feel, but I do. I miscarried after 8 weeks and had to go through a D&C as well. I didn’t feel normal for almost 3 months after my D&C. It was the hardest and one of the darkest times of my life. It’s so hard b/c your hormones are still trying to level out, and you feel anxious and sad about everything. And to top it off, there were 10 pregnant women who I saw on a daily basis. So it was in my face ALL. THE. TIME. I felt like God was playing a very evil trick on me.
My best advice is to do your best in holding it together while you’re talking to or seeing the people who you’re supposed to be happy for. Act happy for them, even if a part of you is dying inside. Then, when you’re by yourself, cry…seriously. I threw a pity party for myself every time I was alone after going through one of those situations. I think it helped me heal just a little bit each time. I’m not going to say that it’s easy at all or that you need to get over it…b/c that’s what everyone told me to do. And I wanted to scream at those people that they have no idea what it’s like to lose a child. I will tell you that it slowly gets better. It’s going to feel like an excruciatingly slow process, but eventually, you’ll start to feel like yourself again. Until that happens, don’t be afraid to cry or even complain on WB. If you don’t want to complain publicly, PM me…I’ll be glad to listen!
Post # 5
Aww this is difficult. I think you can be a supportive friend, but still put your self and needs first at this moment. Even if you hadn’t miscarreid I think your friend sending you all those scans is a bit much. Perhaps calmly and gently telling her that you would prefer her not sending you so much scans. That is something she should be sharing with her husband.
YOu can support friends and people from afar will taking time for yourself to heal.
Post # 6
@Rivendeler: Thank you! You are very sweet. I’m a bit embarrassed about whining so much now..
Post # 7
@wooster: Not sure if this will help you, but here is my post from over a year ago when I was going through this. A lot of bees gave some really great advice and helped me understand that I had to talk to my friends who knew about how I might be a bit sensitive for the next few weeks. Hope it helps…
Post # 8
@wooster: First I want to say that your friend should not be texting you updates like that. If that were my friend I would hold it back for a few months as I would not want to remind you of that.
Maybe tell her you are happy for her but you just need to not be reminded weekly and tell her you will tell her when it is ok to remind you…just give you a few weeks to mourn.
I just had a friend go full term and during delivery all types of things went wrong and she lost the baby after 18 hours straight of the doctor’s working on her little girl. Worst part, she gave birth on the same day as her 1st cousin. So as her 1st cousin is now celebrating and posting pics on facebook…she is in mourning and burying her full term baby.
She called her cousin and congratulated her but told her she needs some time and not to take that distance as any love lost, but just as her mourning process. She has kept away from facebook and only 3 weeks later is doing much better. Her milk and everything came in and she has full hormonal levels of a new mommy going so it is very difficult.
You will get through this, but just try to take time for yourself and do the things you need to do!
Post # 9
Crikey – ten pregnant women is an awful lot! It certainly makes the three in my life seem more manageable I’m interested to see it took you about three months to get your head around it, I was thinking it will take a few months for me also given I don’t feel I’ve made a lot of progress to date! Thank you for your kind words.
By the way I have never posted anything on a blog/board before and am a little overwhelmed by the immediate responses and support.
Post # 11
@wooster: Oh honey, I’m so sorry about everything you’re going through. I don’t have any advice, but I do have *hugs* for you.
Post # 12
im so sorry to hear what you’re going through!
you absolutely deserve some time to grieve. can you take some time off of work now? can your husband gently let people know to lay off the constant baby talk for a while?
Post # 13
Thank you for sharing that post – I can see how the a careless comment made would have upset you so much….
3 weeks ago when I told a good friend of mine (whose baby I went to see last week in the hospital after she gave birth) that I had started a miscarriage and needed a D & C she was initially very sympathetic. Within minutes however she started complaining about what a difficult pregnancy she’d had to endure (she was about 36 weeks pregnant at the time). I mean I was literally having a miscarriage in front of her and told her I was scheduled for the surgery the next day! I think similar to your own friend she just didn’t think. I’m pleased to say she’s more much more supportive since but at the time I wanted to throw her lunch over her!
Post # 14
I just want to say thank you to all the “bees” for the tea and sympathy!
At the risk of overgeneralisation I think there may be some cultural differences between us (in ireland you tend to pretend you are “fine” after a miscarriage and get on with it by making jokes and talking about the weather!). “Pretending” to be fine is exhausting but I’m in a place where I don’t have many people to talk to given I don’t want to load too much on my pregnant (or new mother) friends and my sister died two years ago.
Thanks for the support, it is very refreshing to be able to be honest about it and get some straight advice back.
Post # 15
I read somewhere that it takes you the same length to “adjust” as it took to happen, and that’s if it wasn’t extra traumatic. So, you were 11 weeks pregnant – give your *body* 11 weeks to heal.
Now – I have had 3 miscarriages (4 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks) and I find the further along you are the harder they are… not only physically, but mentally. You need to allow yourself to grieve. You deserve that. Personally, when I miscarried at 12 weeks I think it took a good 3 or 4 months for me to feel back to myself again.
It may be worse to tell your friend to back off with the texts than to just delete without reading, that’s a tough call but it’s kind of insensitive for your friend not to notice what you’re going through. Or ask your husband to read and respond for you anytime you get a text from her. Some phones you can “route” texts automatically so you don’t have to read them.
Your hubs may have no idea what you’re going through. He may be greiving in his own way. He may not want to show how he feels because he feels you are hurting more. It’s hard to tell. But MOST guys will do what you need them to do if you tell them specifically what you need. So, say to him….. I need you to find a babysitter so you and I can spend some time together. And I’m going to cry and babble, but I need you to hold me and play with my hair. or whatever you need.
Above all…. be good to yourself.
Post # 16
To be honest, it’s sort of taboo to talk about here in the states too. It’s as if no one wants to hear the bad news. Or if they do hear the bad news, they want to immediately make it better. That’s why it’s so hard to talk to friends who haven’t gone through what you have.
My SIL was a prime example…she was great during my miscarriage, but she told me she had no idea what I was going through until she herself had a miscarriage about 4 months later. It’s just really difficult to relate unless you’ve gone through it. People can be incredibly sympathetic, but they can also be very flippant and want you to just bounce back to your normal self…and it’s not always that easy. So take all the time you need to feel better…you’ll need it!