Post # 1
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
I am still thinking this through so I will try to keep it simple.
Here’s my bio; I am almost 30, I was engaged at 20 (together for 2/called it off), engaged then married 22-26 (together for 4/he cheated/divorced) and back at it again engaged after 14 months together now. Between engagement/marriage I have been in 2 one year relationships and at one point figured out I have been “single” less than 2 of the last 12 years with no more than a 6 month break. In every relationship, the engagement, wedding, children talk comes fast and I have probably talked rings with 2 boyfriends as well. Part of this is that I feel like I want to weed out men who aren’t looking/read to settle down right away. I do not pressure anyone to move things fast- this convo is either brought on by them or happens naturally at like the 8 month mark.
These have all been healthy relationships, never any abuse and I am not “settling” ever (besides the husband,) obviously things haven’t been perfect, but I date great men and with few exceptions (mostly e-husband) friends have always said I have done well and find/date great people, (I know that sounds uppity.) I had a healthy childhood and have a loving healthy relationship with my father, whom has been w/ my mom for 32 years!
I love the current fiancee and am not considering breaking up and not sure if I have a question or just need to ask if I am the only person who feels like a serial monogamist? I went to a therapist regarding this relationship a few months back and she said I might just have good luck, I find good people and why would I be single if I could be with someone great. I don’t feel like I need to sow oats or anything either- just maybe need to check in about issues I am missing, like co-dependency.
Side note: I work as a therapist, so I appreciate totally honest feedback
Post # 3
Member
2944 posts
Sugar bee
No you are not the only person who feels that way. This is a question/issue I’ve considered time and time again for the past, oh I don’t know, 10 years of my life. I like to think that I’m just lucky and find great relationships without really looking, so why would I hold back for artificial reasons. That being said, sometimes I wonder if that’s something I can be truly objective about since…well it’s me. It comes down to this – are you happy? Is it a healthy and fulfilling relationship? If yes, then don’t let the wondering bring you down or cause you to question the validity of a good thing. My quick 2cents.
Post # 4
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
@HisMoon: It comes down to this – are you happy? Is it a healthy and fulfilling relationship?
Yes and Yes, this is the best relationship yet (and I might be an expert!)
I keep thinking something must be wrong with me…maybe I do have good luck.
Post # 5
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
@aliciapdx: I was a serial monogomist for about 25 years. I dated boyfriend #1 from 19-29, dated 2 other guys between the ages 29-30, then boyfriend #2 from about 30-42. After we broke up, I went out on a few dates but really was not into it. (BTW, I never wanted children) I declared a moratorium, refused dates and starting dating my fiance at the age of 46. My 4 year moratorium after 25 years of serial monagamy was really enjoyable but I ended it in an instant after the first date with my Fiance. He was the first man I ever really wanted to marry.
Post # 6
Member
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I am just like that, too! I was with my HS sweetheart for 5 years, broke up. Met a new guy two months later, was with him for two years, broke up. Six months after I moved out and three months after we finally stopped seeing one another, I met FI! We’ve been together for about 2 years.
Post # 7
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
@nycsa: The issue is that I would have thought about marryinng a couple of them, I could honestly have in the past seen myself together forever with a few of my ex’s.
@BrandNewBride: Thanks, makes me feel like less of a weirdo knowing other people are healthy relatonship hoppers.
Post # 8
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
Please don’t fret about what labels you think people might try to pin on you! You’re young yet, and it’s not at all unusual to experience intimate relationships with several people before settling down into a truly deep long-term one. I think, also, that some women are kind of like vortices who seem to draw in serious male attention, almost without trying – and you may be one of those lucky ladies.
There’s a positive side to “serial monogamy,” too, in that each relationship teaches up important things and helps shape us into the individual we become later in life. I credit some of my earlier partners with many of the things I like about myself today.
It’s important to ask yourself, though, if jumping into a new relationship is just a way to distract yourself from perceived loneliness, or if you’re just riding on a well-worn habitual path where it’s more comfortable to be partnered up.
But since you are currently engaged and have no impulses to dump the poor guy – just focus on being the best person you can possibly be in that relationship.
Post # 9
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
@wahine777: I have learned so much about myself and what I wanted w/ each boyfriend and think each boyfriend got better than the last for this reason.
It’s important to ask yourself, though, if jumping into a new relationship is just a way to distract yourself from perceived loneliness, or if you’re just riding on a well-worn habitual path where it’s more comfortable to be partnered up.
Thank you for this!
Post # 10
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
I’m a serial monogamist, too! I dated someone from age 14-16, one person for four months, one person for two months, one person from 17-21, and now I’ve been with my (now) fiance from 21-present (age 26). I never felt like I was jumping into relationships – they really felt natural. If you’re happy that’s all that matters!
Post # 11
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
@kbiceling: Thanks…sounds familar. Really happy.
The therapist I meet with to ask if I was nuts (clinical term) discussed with me if my issue is that I can’t believe these great people want to marry me; that I don’t feel I am good enough and I am attempting to solidify the relationship because I am scared they will realize they can do better. NAIL+HEAD!
Post # 12
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
Ehhh…I feel what you may be responding more to is that you haven’t really been single and I think you are just observing that. I have no idea how old you are but I find as I get older (I’m 35) the more contempative I get about my life and where I’ve been.
I don’t think there is any reason NOT to be in a relationship with great people if that’s what someone really wants but it doesn’t sound like you really questioned if you wanted it.
Sometimes people just have it really good. Remember, nothing has any meaning than what you give it. 🙂
xxoo
Post # 13
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
@Coral99: I am less than a month I will be 30 (maybe that’s the issue with looking back.)
Sometimes people just have it really good. Remember, nothing has any meaning than what you give it. 🙂
Damn this being a therapist thing getting in the way 😛
Post # 14
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
- Wedding: November 2015 - Russell\'s Pizza House
Nope! You are not alone in this. I have thought long and hard about why my relationship path has taken the course it has. I was in a relationship from 13-19, another from 19-23, a 6 month one when I was 23 then met my SO just after I turned 24 and I’m now 26.
On paper it really doesn’t look healthy. I believe when I was younger I stayed in relationships when they were past their use by date due to self esteem issues….. But I’m a social worker so I analyse everything about relationships to the endth degree 🙂
i like how your therapist reframed it as having ‘good luck’. I think if you feel happy with where you are at then you are in the right place. Comparing your journey to others will always make you feel like you should have travelled differently.
Post # 15
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
I also feel we all have paths & roles in this life & some are more about relationships & others not so much. Thus, you could be one of those people & your life is set up for relationships.
I feel that you are even wondering is your barometer. Unhealthy people never guess what they are doing could be off. They just do it. There’s little introspection. That you’re asking is positive to me.
🙂
Post # 16
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
I am 48 and have been engaged 5 times prior to me meeting my Fiance. I was beginning to think that my standards were too high. I was in a 14 year relationship and left because I wasnt happy. I like you wouldnt settle and the men that asked I realized werent good enough for me. I gave back the rings and moved forward, the last relationship of 14 years I decided to be celibate after I left, it was 4 years before I met my Fiance.
For me it was healthier to take sex off the table because sex sometimes clouds your judgement and I wanted to focus on myself. Determine what is best for me, what I needed to work on, what things about myself I need to change, and what do I have to offer my future spouse.
I am still celibate (5 years now) and my Fiance made the same decision prior to meeting me (he had been celibate for 3 years then and now is it 4) and we both decided to wait until we get married. Him being in the military and on active duty has made it easier to remain celibate.
It might help to do a self assessment on yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. You will be surprised what you find out about yourself when you are totally honest it helped a lot. Now all of my friends and doing the same thing to determine what they can do to be better people, wives, girlfriends.
I hope that helps. 🙂
BIG HUG