Serious doubts about upcoming marriage

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Aw I’m sorry bee. Honestly what concerns me most is not the fact that you two disagree on things like parenting and religion but more so his reaction to you communicating that you’re nervous. Brushing it off and saying ‘sure we can’ is just dismissing very real and legitimate issues. Would therapy be an option? I would at least postpone the wedding until you can go to therapy and talk through some of these things and figure out if you can reach common ground, but if he won’t go or it isn’t working I can’t see how a marriage could work if you guys are this divided on important subjects. Best of luck 

Post # 3
Member
1801 posts
Buzzing bee

You had a panic attack over him not wanting to baptize your children. He laughed at your panic. Nothing here is healthy, do not marry him.

Post # 4
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

As someone who deals with panic attacks, I could not marry someone who laughed at me while I went through one. I am imagining that situation and it seems heartless. However, we are only hearing this snip of information and I can’t just tell you to run, when only you know the whole truth. To me, these are very big incompatabilities. Then again, religion and parenting are two things I feel very strongly about. 

Post # 6
Member
1809 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would postpone while you work this out. His lack of support is really  a concern, even aside from your different beliefs. Don’t feel pressured to go forward with the marriage if you have doubts.  They won’t go away after you marry and it sounds like bringing kids into this would be a really bad idea.  You’re 31, still really young with your whole life on front of you and you’ve been with him since you were a kid,  16-17.

Maybe he was the man for you in your 20s, but sometimes people grow apart and different and it sounds like this has happened with yourself and your Fi. He may not be a good partner for the you you are today.  You deserve a man that supports you when though are upset and who with share a common parenting philosophy with you.

Post # 7
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee

Hey bee, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d suggest you two to sit down and have a serious conversation about priorities and how you will deal with differences in opinion.

First off, do you both want children?

If yes, how will you be raising them? What beliefs will they be exposed to (religious, moral, and political)?

You say he doesn’t like religion, how does he feel about your beliefs?

Due to the above, what does he think about you (your morals, intelligence, etc)? (You really don’t want his negative beliefs on religion to affect how he sees you as a person)

You believe in democracy and he doesn’t. Will he be supportive of you if you ever decide to be active politically? Will he be supportive of future children in they decide to be politically active?

He’s changed his beliefs a lot. Does he realize that this is a big change and how this affects you and your joint lives?

Finally, what are you willing to compromise on, what is he willing to comproise on, and can you reach a middle ground?

Ask all these things *before* you are married.

Goodluck bee.

Post # 9
Member
1809 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

stopthecarousel :  shoot,  I need to re-study reading. Somehow I read it as you 2 being together for 14 years,  not engaged for 14 months.  I think wedding postponements happen a lot of people won’t think anything of it.  Take time to be sure and I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Post # 11
Member
1422 posts
Bumble bee

stopthecarousel :  No matter how good the good parts are, it can’t make up for bad parts that are bad enough. You don’t just add up the positive and negative and hope that overall is positive. Because in that case all you’d have to do is be extra amazing during the good times to make up for abusiveness (exaggeration to make my point).

Figure out what your threshold for the bad stuff/disagreements is. Then see if this relationship exceeds it. Don’t let the good parts convince you it’s ok to live with the bad parts if those bad parts are past your tolerance.

Post # 12
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Sorry, Bee, I think this is a no-go. I agree with others that it’s more concerning he’s “taunting” you for your beliefs, but I think at the end of the day after marriage you become a “unit” of sorts. You will weather all kinds of things in life together, and it’s important that the home be a “refuge” for both of you where you can both feel at ease, and that you feel your spouse fundamentally is on your wavelength. Obviously you’ll be different in some ways, but I think fundamental cultural beliefs, and where you’ll be living need to have alignment.

The argument that you’re 31 is a sunk cost of sorts. If you feel like you’re on the older side – and yes, you’re older than you were at 22, but you are absolutely not to old to get back in the game, not even close – and with the wrong guy, then all the more reason to get out ASAP.

Post # 13
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

You’ve been together 7 years, surely you’ve had reason to work through big issues before. How did that go? I’d let your history inform you of what you can expect in the future regarding conflict that might come up over things like baptism or moving.

This is a big decision. Are you sure it’s the different beliefs issue that is making you feel this way? I ask because I believe that often our gut tells us something and then we spend a lot of time rationalizing it. Something is giving you cold feet, it might be the world view things you mention here or it might be something else. 

Many people have successful relationships with people whose views differ on various issues. Think about what is most important to you and whether you align on those things.

I’d advise seeing a therapist or talking this through with someone who can be more impartial than your best friend.

Post # 14
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

stopthecarousel :  Please re-read what you just wrote – he laughed at your panic attack and now you’re making excuses for him and blaming yourself. What you described sounds like an information overload for anyone; it’s very logical to start panicking while you process that.

Post # 15
Member
259 posts
Helper bee

I really hope my Fiance doesn’t take the advice of Bees and dump me if I ever respond to something once in not the best way, as described in this post with the panic thing.

Does he really understand that you are on the brink of ending your relationship over incompatible views? In your third paragraph you descirbe saying over and over that you have differences but can work through them, and he was agreeing with you — he might not really understand the depth of your concern or how far he needed to go to reassure you. I’d give him a real chance to address it seriously.

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