(Closed) SERIOUS MOH issues… HELP!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@jamielynn6:  I don’t know if it’s just me, but I didn’t EXPECT my BMs to help. However, if they offered to help, great! Or if I wanted an opinion on something, I would ask. If they shared their opinion or didn’t have time to, no problem – I figured it out on my own or with my mom’s or DH’s mom’s help. If it’s really bothering you, bring it up to her. Ask her if everything is ok in her life and gently ask her to help out more. I wouldn’t get angry over it. I’m sure you have a lot going on as it is!

Post # 4
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your MoH’s contribution to bachelorette party planning is between her and the other bridesmaids; you have to step back and let them sort these things out themselves. And while it would be lovely to have some company when visiting the venue or picking out flowers, it’s not realistic to expect that your MoH would be willing or able to accompany you. There are just too many appointments and vendors to expect someone to clear their calendars for all those things.

I would first off reset my expectations on what each member of your bridal party is expected to “do.”  Basically, the bare minimum is “show up and wear the pretty dress.” Anything over that is a blessing and a gift.  Make a list of all the things you would LIKE them to be a part of, and ask each one what she is available for and interested in.

And leave the planning of showers, parties and all that, up to other people.

Post # 5
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@fishbone:  I agree.

OP, it’s not your MOH’s job to help plan your wedding.  You can invite her and ask her opinion but she doesn’t have to come or give you one.  I agree that it’d be great if she could, but it’s unfair to get mad at her if she can’t come to appointments with you.

As far as the parties go, stay out of it and let her and your other BMs figure it out.  Traditionally, the Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs plan showers and bachelorettes, but once again, it’s not a requirement.

Also, it’s important to note that you pick your Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs because they are your nearest and dearest not because of what they can and cannot do for you.  I strongly advise against replacing your Maid/Matron of Honor because she isn’t throwing you a bach. party or going to all of your vendor appointments.  It would be a b*tch move and cause tons of drama.  You can, however, have 2 MOHs if you would also like to honor another close friend.

Post # 7
Member
6825 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

BM’s and Maid/Matron of Honor jobs are to stand up for you in your wedding. NOT to help plan your wedding. There are no rules that say that they must plan parties, help with DIY, go with you to Dress apts, venue apts, ETC.  If they do help that is just big ole extra bonus stuff.  I think you need to take a step back and realize your wedding is just not that big of a deal to other people other than you and your Fiance

Post # 8
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Who is going to give the toast at your reception?  My sister lives in another part of the country.  I did squat for her wedding.  But I was Maid/Matron of Honor and gave the speech.  She also didn’t do anything for mine (before the wedding anyway, once she arrived in town for the wedding, she was very helpful), and she was my Maid/Matron of Honor.  Not only did we not help plan each other’s bachelorettes, etc., we didn’t even attend each other’s.  It’s about so much more than who “does” stuff, but who you want to honor with that title.  I had one other Bridesmaid or Best Man, and she did EVERYTHING (I didn’t ask her too, I honestly thought that because I didn’t have any local family, I wouldn’t even have a bachelorette or planning help).  But she doesn’t like giving speeches, and had no interest in any “honor” title.  So when I gave my little speech at the rehearsal thanking people, I mentioned her in particular (I would have also done so at the reception, but she doesn’t like being the center of attention so I did it with a smaller crowd).  In the thank you section of our programs, we also listed certain people specifically, and while we thanked “all the members of our wedding party,” we listed her for a specific thank you.

Post # 9
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think your mistake is going into this situation with these expectations. I didn’t expect very much from my bridesmaids.. so when they offered to help out it was really great… instead of me griping because they weren’t doing enough.

Post # 10
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jamielynn6:  Leave your other friends out of it, and if they start trying to replay their conversations between your MoH and them, ask them to stop. This isn’t just good advice for planning a wedding; it’s good advice for life. We’re all human and we ALL say things to friends in confidence that might be hurtful or interpreted as hurtful to/by the folks who are not present in the conversation.  Learn not to gossip, and don’t get sucked in by the gossiping of others.  It’s entirely possible— or even probable– that your MoH was feeling some of the stress that you’ve put on her with the various appointments and needed a sounding board. Don’t feed this behavior.

Post # 11
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Your MOH/bridesmaids are in charge of planning the bridal shower and bachelorette, not attending wedding appointments with you. 

Post # 12
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Im almost 30 and have been involved with quite a few weddings at this point… I have never been asked, or heard of others asking, bridesmaids to go to venue and florist appointments. I think you set yourself up for disappointment with possibly unrealistic expectations.

Post # 14
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I would have her step down from Maid/Matron of Honor to Bridesmaid or Best Man if the wedding is an annoyance to her. I would definitely want to recognize the other Bridesmaid or Best Man who stepped up to the plate. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Your Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t obligated to help you with everything, while she should be helping you with anything she is capable of, you should not be expecting her to upend her life just to attend things with or for you. She is not a slave. It sucks that she isn’t helping with the bachelorette plans and hasn’t mentioned any shower stuff yet, but it’s up to your BMs to get her in gear for the bachelorette party and your mother to get on her about a shower.

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