(Closed) Serious Second Thoughts…

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

I think most people will tell you they had some sort of concern because it IS a huge life change. 

However, if you don’t know what those doubts are- it’s probably just nerves. 

Post # 3
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

What are your fears? Just marriage in general or is your relationship or his character/personality lacking something in particular.

Post # 5
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

I had second thoughts as well… For a few months. It was bothering me so much that I started asking my mum, sister and a close married friend of mine a lot of questions that I felt I needed answered about married life…. I felt a lot better after this, and all of my doubts went out the window, and super looking forward to my wedding this october. 

Post # 8
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

hmm… well in your heart of hearts do you think marrying him is a mistake? If you feel that way- whether you can logically justify it or not you shouldnt go through with it.

If you know hes the right choice but just have vague moments of panic thats okay.

Post # 9
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

All you can do is be honest… I thought the exact same thing, I thought my mum would be all over me and asking “are you SURE you want to marry him?” and all that junk, but she was actually quite warm and made sure that I was comfortable. 

I was trying to find faults in my Fiance as well, any little thing and I would get angry about it and it would make me resent my Fiance and want to chat to other guys….Which I regretfully did at the time, but glad that I didn’t pursue anything further than just chatting. 

I was also worried that what would happen if the relationship didn’t work out? What happens if we do get a divorce in 30 years or one of us cheats on the other??? All of these things were bugging me.

All 3 people I asked still even have doubts today and they are all married!! They just live life day to day, because you never know what will happen… You can’t predict the future and that is a scary thing, not knowing what’s or if’s. We just have to go with the flow and see what happens, and hope for the very best. xx

Post # 10
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

p.s, im 26 too 🙂

Post # 11
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

seftonkitty: I think having a healthy level of fear/awe about the massive commitment you’re planning to make is only natural. But if your GUT is telling you this is a bad decision, that’s another story. I have moments of “holy shit, this is my entire life we’re talking about, I can’t even wrap my head around what it means to commit to someone for life!” — but in my gut there is no doubt that Fiance is the one for me. So I let these occasional moments of fear wash over me, and then I put them aside and move on.

Only you know if this is a gut feeling rather than normal cold feet. You say you’re 26 and have been with Fiance for 7.5 years…so since you were 18? Is it possible your doubts are stemming from the fact that you never experienced an adult relationship with anyone else, or you’re “missing out” on the casual dating/exploration phase many people go through in their 20s? 

Post # 14
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I responded to your daniel post, but I’m going to respond here as in my initial response I brought up that the whole “childhood crush” scenario may be a manifestation of doubts.

I think it’s completely normal, and very healthy, to have a mild panic attack over the idea of commiting to someone for the rest of your life. Anybody who doesn’t stop and think “Is this really what I want? Is this really a good idea based on all available information” is being a bit rash in my opinion.

I pushed my Fiance to finally propose (needed a wedding by 2016 for immigration purposes — otherwise I would have been happy to stay as we were as I don’t think a piece of paper legitimizes a relationship) and then when he did and i accepted, I had a few weeks of “WHOA!! Am I ready for this? Is he the right life partner for me? Is this a good decision?” I sat down and tried to come up with faults — I couldn’t really get anything more severe then “his fake laugh annoys me” or “he’s terrible at pep talks”. Hmm Ok that didn’t seem to yield substantial enough red flags for calling off an engagement. I felt those were “faults” I could live with.

So then I thought about every other man (or even person — gender aside) I’d ever met. Were there people that I preferred to my FI? Was there anybody else who I thought “Yes, they would be a better fit”. Not that I’m interestedin marry a woman as I’m straight, but I figured that if there was a female out there who seemed a better fit for me, then there was probably a comprable male out there that was better for me. I couldn’t think of a single person that I felt I could be happier with.

So then I told my inner voice to shut up. It’s a huge decision and marriage is always a risk and a gamble since we can never see our future with perfect information. But I feel pretty good about my chances with Fiance.

I also talked to my mum about her marriage (nearly 35 years and going strong) and she said she went through the exact same feelings. 

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