Post # 1
I have been engaged to my Fiancé for a year now, our wedding is in November next year. We have booked the venue, and paid the deposit – aswell as booking the registrar (with no fees paid yet). We are very close to booking the photographer and have a taster shoot in a couple of weeks’ time.
I have been with my OH for 7.5 years and he is a wonderful man. He treats me well, provides, loves me unconditionally, gets on with all my friends and family, puts me before anything else and I know one day he will make a wonderful and loving father. He is very easy to live with and very considerate of my needs and how I am feeling. I couldn’t really fault him. We have been through some bad times, but got through the other end and our relationship has and is wonderful.
I am having some doubts about the wedding, which have been going on for a few weeks now. I am wondering if I am having ‘normal’ cold feet, as it’s such a huge life decision or if there is something deep down telling me not to go through with it.
The frustrating thing is, I couldn’t really tell you what those doubts are.
I am wondering if anyone else has had doubts, perhaps called the wedding off, or gone ahead with it and wish they hadn’t? Even if they have had doubts about the wedding itself, cancelled all plans and eloped?
I am quite a traditional person and hope that the person I marry will be for life, I feel it is such a huge decision and my doubts are worrying me.
Any advice would be MUCH appreciated.
(If it helps, I am 26 (just), my OH turns 26 in a couple of weeks’ time and we have lived together for 4 years)
Thank you x
Post # 2
I think most people will tell you they had some sort of concern because it IS a huge life change.
However, if you don’t know what those doubts are- it’s probably just nerves.
Post # 3
What are your fears? Just marriage in general or is your relationship or his character/personality lacking something in particular.
Post # 4
Thank you for your reply bibber – it really helps.
I feel very silly, as the Wedding is still quite a while away – why would I feel nerves now?
Me and my OH went away this weekend and I felt like I was almost trying to find faults in him to determine how I am feeling!
Post # 5
I had second thoughts as well… For a few months. It was bothering me so much that I started asking my mum, sister and a close married friend of mine a lot of questions that I felt I needed answered about married life…. I felt a lot better after this, and all of my doubts went out the window, and super looking forward to my wedding this october.
Post # 6
Hello MrsBuesleBee. I am really unsure what my fears are?! Maybe its, what if these doubts are more than I am thinking they are and things don’t work out AFTER we are married?! What if I am making the wrong decision in a life partner?!
Post # 7
missmetal666: I am concerned about asking close family members and friends, I am worried they will get the wrong idea and maybe put worse doubts in my mind!
I am glad your second thoughts are now all sorted. Have a wonderful Wedding Day
Post # 8
hmm… well in your heart of hearts do you think marrying him is a mistake? If you feel that way- whether you can logically justify it or not you shouldnt go through with it.
If you know hes the right choice but just have vague moments of panic thats okay.
Post # 9
All you can do is be honest… I thought the exact same thing, I thought my mum would be all over me and asking “are you SURE you want to marry him?” and all that junk, but she was actually quite warm and made sure that I was comfortable.
I was trying to find faults in my Fiance as well, any little thing and I would get angry about it and it would make me resent my Fiance and want to chat to other guys….Which I regretfully did at the time, but glad that I didn’t pursue anything further than just chatting.
I was also worried that what would happen if the relationship didn’t work out? What happens if we do get a divorce in 30 years or one of us cheats on the other??? All of these things were bugging me.
All 3 people I asked still even have doubts today and they are all married!! They just live life day to day, because you never know what will happen… You can’t predict the future and that is a scary thing, not knowing what’s or if’s. We just have to go with the flow and see what happens, and hope for the very best. xx
Post # 11
seftonkitty: I think having a healthy level of fear/awe about the massive commitment you’re planning to make is only natural. But if your GUT is telling you this is a bad decision, that’s another story. I have moments of “holy shit, this is my entire life we’re talking about, I can’t even wrap my head around what it means to commit to someone for life!” — but in my gut there is no doubt that Fiance is the one for me. So I let these occasional moments of fear wash over me, and then I put them aside and move on.
Only you know if this is a gut feeling rather than normal cold feet. You say you’re 26 and have been with Fiance for 7.5 years…so since you were 18? Is it possible your doubts are stemming from the fact that you never experienced an adult relationship with anyone else, or you’re “missing out” on the casual dating/exploration phase many people go through in their 20s?
Post # 12
tiffanybruiser: I don’t have any doubts that my OH is the perfect lift partner for me, perhaps I am just jumping to too harsh conclusions that I don’t want the wedding and marriage to go ahead because I have these doubts – perhaps they are normal?
We actually went to school together, but only starting dating just before we turned 19. I have experience ‘other men’, as after our 1st year of living together, we bascially broke up! Things worked out and have been brilliant since then, and I did have a relationship of sorts with an older man.
The dating/explortation phase many people go through when they are young has never appealed to me – perhaps because I have never experienced it! x
Post # 13
missmetal666: Your doubts sound very similar to mine – perhaps its our young age! Thank you for your replies – perhaps it would be best to speak to my Mother. She and my step-father have been married for almost 25 years! She must have some tips!! x
Post # 14
I responded to your daniel post, but I’m going to respond here as in my initial response I brought up that the whole “childhood crush” scenario may be a manifestation of doubts.
I think it’s completely normal, and very healthy, to have a mild panic attack over the idea of commiting to someone for the rest of your life. Anybody who doesn’t stop and think “Is this really what I want? Is this really a good idea based on all available information” is being a bit rash in my opinion.
I pushed my Fiance to finally propose (needed a wedding by 2016 for immigration purposes — otherwise I would have been happy to stay as we were as I don’t think a piece of paper legitimizes a relationship) and then when he did and i accepted, I had a few weeks of “WHOA!! Am I ready for this? Is he the right life partner for me? Is this a good decision?” I sat down and tried to come up with faults — I couldn’t really get anything more severe then “his fake laugh annoys me” or “he’s terrible at pep talks”. Hmm Ok that didn’t seem to yield substantial enough red flags for calling off an engagement. I felt those were “faults” I could live with.
So then I thought about every other man (or even person — gender aside) I’d ever met. Were there people that I preferred to my FI? Was there anybody else who I thought “Yes, they would be a better fit”. Not that I’m interestedin marry a woman as I’m straight, but I figured that if there was a female out there who seemed a better fit for me, then there was probably a comprable male out there that was better for me. I couldn’t think of a single person that I felt I could be happier with.
So then I told my inner voice to shut up. It’s a huge decision and marriage is always a risk and a gamble since we can never see our future with perfect information. But I feel pretty good about my chances with Fiance.
I also talked to my mum about her marriage (nearly 35 years and going strong) and she said she went through the exact same feelings.