(Closed) Serious situation – uninviting future in laws? OH DAMN!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@CocoClassic:  Girl, that’s one pandora’s box you don’t want to open! We got married in Mexico & tried the same thing-> my family could not afford to make the trip, but his parents could and acted like they wanted to. All I could think about was how sad it would make me to have only his family there, none of mine (plus they are alot like your FI’s family- spending every waking moment together). We thought about what you are asking and it caused alot of fights between us two and his mother, eventually she decided that she never wanted to go to mexico anyway as it was too dangerous & “third-world” so it all sorted itself out. Sorry I don’t have better advice! But believe me, it’s a giant messy can of worms,  so tread carefully! If they DO come, I would def. ask them to leave the day after the wedding. We did that with our guests and everyone loved it. We still got to spend time together, which they wanted, and we still got our romantic honeymoon after the wedding- win win. 

We did the at-home reception other bees are recommending since his family also couldn’t make it and everyone loved that alternative and had a great time. If you go that route, when you look for a photographer it would probably help ease the tension if they could give you 15-25 sneak peak pics to take back with you for the family! Our families LOVED that and said it made them feel more involved…. 

Post # 18
Member
12241 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

If no one but them RSVPs, can you cancel the wedding and elope to Rio?

Post # 19
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@CocoClassic: Does your Fiance and her family speak Portuguese? Because if they do I think it would probably be a great idea to have the three of them on site a little ahead of time while you take care of things back home! My DH doesn’t speak Swedish, so in our case it was much easier for my parents and me to deal with the majority of the wedding prep ourselves. Then, when he came in, we did things on our own while they were in charge of other projects. Now, if it’s only a 4 people wedding there might not be THAT much need for preparations, but let’s say that she spend four days there with them, then you are all there for three days, and then you split up for the last week or two. Would something like that work? You’ll still be polite, your Fiance won’t worry about offending her parents and you’ll have time to enjoy your new marriage without them anywhere around. 

Post # 21
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@CocoClassic: Well, I hope it all works out for you – but if I were in your shoes I would try to make up with your Fiance and push it for the future. Why make a big fuzz about it now if you don’t know for sure until October?!

Either way, many guests or just two, my advice is to make sure you’re alone from the day after the wedding. We didn’t leave Sweden until the 6th and I really regret that. Staying behind for hungover cleanup with my dad being the grumpiest bear ever wasn’t a smart move. So, if you have the wedding in Rio with guests… schedule a small road trip for the day after! 

Post # 22
Member
11226 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I totally get this and went through a similar situation. Our wedding was the weekend that a number of my DH’s family members go on vacation together. Our wedding was on a Friday and several of my ILs kept mentioning that we could take our honeymoon in their vacation spot (which is at/around DH’s aunt/uncle’s house). I didn’t want to be rude, but I told DH there was no way in hell we’d be taking our honeymoon with/around family. Absolutely not. Ultimately, I told my DH (who, much like your Fiance, is a people-pleaser and just wants everyone to be happy) to step up the next time it was brought up. No, we will *not* be taking a family vacation immediately following our wedding. We want to be ALONE. End of story.

Basically:

– You’re going to have to talk to your Fiance about standing up for herself (and, ultimately, both of you). It’s great that her family loves and supports you, but she needs to understand that your honeymoon =/= time spent with family, and wanting that is NOT rude.

– If other people can’t make it, have her tell her family that plans have changed and that you’ll be eloping. 

– OR, as has been suggested, have them come in early and leave after the wedding. That seems like a good compromise AND you’ll have extra hands.

Post # 23
Member
9635 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@CocoClassic:  i think you should be open and honest with her parents.  booking flights to your destination is expensive and if they book and then you cancel the wedding. they may lose that money.

why don’t you and FI explain to them that you would love to have them celebrate your day with you.  but if they are the only ones to RSVP yes and everyone RSVPs no then you are changing the plan.

or if your Fiance wants them there when you exchange vows.  tell them you will go to dinner or whatever your plan is after the ceremony.  but the next day you are starting your honeymoon and it only includes the 2 of you.

 

Post # 24
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You have 2 choices: uninvite them, or cut your losses and elope.

How to uninvite them? Just straight up tell them what you told us here. There’s simply no other way to uninvite parents from their daughter’s wedding. Write a sweet letter? Nope. Take them out to dinner, beat around the bush for awhile, speak about the issue vaguely and hope they get the message? Nope. If you feel so strongly about this issue, then just tell them to their face.

I’m just gonna be frank with my own opinion, here, since this is a public forum. While I don’t know the specifics of your relationship with her parents, and while I understand wanting your wedding to be truly special for just the both of you and not wanting any outside interference…you just can’t cut her parents out, if you’re having a wedding. You invited them. You did not decide to elope and they protested and convinced you to have a wedding. Prepare for backlash and drama that may last a lifetime, and prepare for your Fiance to potentially be really hurt by being in the middle of this.

So here’s what I would do: I would elope. Cancel the wedding entirely, forget your deposits and payments if they’re nonrefundable, and go somewhere else. I know that sounds crazy, but if I were in your shoes, and if I felt as strongly as you did about the issue, I’d gladly throw my money away just to be alone with my Fiance to celebrate our marriage.

Post # 25
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

Short of canceling it and eloping, which I think they would see through, the only thing I can suggest is that you not consider that time in Brazil your honeymoon per se, enjoy being with your new family, and schedule a honeymoon later.

we will actually be spending the week after our wedding with my mother and step-father on the other side of the country. Romantic? No. But I only see her maybe once a year, so it will give us a chance to all connect as a family and prolong the joy of the wedding (since the only people nearly as excited about it is our parents).  Then we’ve scheduled a 10 day honeymoon for a few months later (when we’d normally take our fall vacation anyway).

Post # 26
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

@seasalt: +1

 

My family sounds a lot like your FI’s, and I know what kind of an uproar this would create were I in your situation. Is it really fair to ask your Fiance to create a rift like that just for your comfort? It might cause her a lot more discomfort in the future. 

 

Post # 28
Member
11226 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@CocoClassic:  How I would lay it out for her is this: you can see her family ANY time you want. However, you will (theoretically) only have one wedding and one honeymoon, and you both deserve to have that time to yourselves AND it’s very important for your post-wedding bonding to be alone with one another.

Post # 29
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

Maybe if you don’t have the turn out of people you wanted, that you should cancel the ceremony at your destination wedding. However, to keep things good between you and the inlaws, that you get married locally with just the family (small dinner wedding at a good local restuarant after a city hall wedding?), and head out to Rio for the honeymoon and enjoy your time alone with your SO. This way the family feels included, you two get your special day, and you still enjoy Rio.

You can hire a photographer for honeymoon pictures during your time in Rio. It is still a special period in your lives, and it’s the mark of a life-long commitment to each other. You don’t need to only have wedding day photos mark a special period in your life. I think the honeymoon is just as special and memorable. 

 

Post # 31
Member
2957 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

View original reply
@CocoClassic:  You have to make sacrifices for family sometimes. My family has personally done A LOT for me, and I would not be able to take away their part in my big day knowing it would break their hearts. In your case, you are marrying into her family, and did so knowing they are hugely part of her life.

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