Post # 1
I opened up my facebook feed tonight to find an annoucement that one of my cousins and his wife are pregnant with their third child.
After they had their first child my cousin’s wife became a Stay-At-Home Mom which would have been fine if they actually had the finances for it. But the thing is, they didn’t. They lost their apartment a few years ago and moved back in with my Aunt who already had another of my cousins, his wife, and their 2 daughters living with her while they waited on a house they were trying to buy. So that’s 8 people with two extra kids on a frequent basis (their sister’s children, she’s a single mother in the army reserve and is often gone to training) in a 3 bedroom ranch (so some weeks 10 people total). While living like that they had their second child. And now, they are still living with my Aunt and are having a third child.
I just think it’s completely irresponsible to have a second much less a third child while you are unable to support your family in an independant living situation. I also think they should be focusing on the children they already have especially because one of them seems to be on the autism spectrum. It just seems like they are taking advantage of my Aunt’s generosity and inability to say no. I could never imagine doing something like that to my parents, and I highly doubt they would let me get away with it.
I’m the youngest of 13 cousins and a lot of times I feel like they are examples of what not to do with my life. *sigh* I guess I’d better go edit my guest list to have 31 children now.
Post # 3
I’d say that’s irresponsible of your Aunt taking them in. She’s hiding them from the consequences. (OK I see you’ve said that, her inability to say no).
I’m uncomfortable with telling married people it’s irresponsible to be pregnant. Perhaps a better way to put it is inappropriate to live with mother instead of finding a home they can afford, regardless of how many children they have.
Post # 4
@Eckle: “It just seems like they are taking advantage of my Aunt’s generosity and inability to say no.” — Is this Aunt the cousins’ mom? If so, her inability to set boundaries should not be mistaken for generosity. What a sucky situation for all, including the fetus.
Post # 5
@Daisy_Mae: Yep my Aunt has 3 kids and cannot set boundaries for them. Each of the kids has 2 kids of their own and they are all little terrors because their parents do not watch them. One of the little boys ( about 5) kicked my Fiance in the throat while my Fiance was trying to prevent him from going somewhere he was not allowed…the kid was then given a cookie because he was having a fit. These are the kids I dread having at my wedding because I do not trust the parents to remove them during the ceremony if they cause a fuss and I expect them to be running around the reception screaming and fighting if last Christmas is any indication. In their last several visits to my parents home these kids have tried repeatedly to play with my father’s pellet gun despite him locking it in an out of bounds room and telling them it was not ever to be touched, almost lit the christmas gifts on fire, rode a bike up the wall in the house, and nearly concussed a sibling by playing with my parent’s exercise equipment (I prevented that one; the parents were no where to be found) in addition to all of the other crazy stuff that 6 2-6 year olds who don’t get along get up to. I try not to think about them at the wedding too much because the idea raises my blood pressure.
Post # 6
Maybe you can try to talk to your aunt and see what she really thinks of the situation? Is it your mom’s sister or your dad’s sister? Maybe ask your mom to talk to your aunt as well? Just to make her see what’s really going on. I hope things get worked out!
Post # 7
Different strokes I guess. I mean, that is your Aunt’s family, right? The aunt is the cousin’s mom? While it seems a little off to me, I guess it is their family, you know?
Post # 8
@Booknerd: It’s my dad’s sister. She’s 7/7, he’s 6/7. I know she was absolutely furious when my cousin, her daughter, got pregnant for the second time out of wedlock with no father in the picture. She spent so much time raising her (my cousin’s) son that he called her mommy for a bit instead of his real mother, my cousin. I think my Aunt can’t (as in she doesn’t have the heart) and won’t put her foot down in this situation because she wants to do what she can for her grandchildren no matter how much it wears her down. This has been going on for years and it seems unlikely to change now. My Aunt is kind of a doormat to her children and they are following in her footsteps with poor results with their own kids.
I’m dissapointed in my cousins because it seems to me that they refuse to cut the apron strings and grow up. I’m at least 5 years younger than them and my Fiance and I are completely financially independant and are doing our best to be responsible adults which for us includes not having children right now because we know we can’t afford it. I always thought my cousins were so much more mature than me, but somewhere along the way I seem to have passed them. It makes me sad to think that my younger self idolized these older cousins.
Post # 9
At the end of the day if your aunt doesn’t mind then I don’t really think it’s anyone else’s place to judge. In my opinion it’s up to your aunt to set the boundaries.
Post # 10
@Eckle: Aww, dang. And it’s not like they are being mistreated, but I wonder if your aunt is putting down everyone on her taxes?! And if your cousin(s) are also filing taxes as independents, because from a legal stand-point, that’s wrong. I don’t want you to get them in trouble, just sounds like a weird and kind of lame situation. 🙁
Post # 11
@RunningGal: It is up to my Aunt, and I would never say anything to her or my cousins. I just wish she had/would set boudaries with them because it might teach them to do the same with their own kids. Their kids need it pretty badly. It frustrates me to watch a five year old eat M and Ms all night long with nothing else and everyone responsible for him seems completely fine with it when the kid goes crazy on a sugar high and crash. It’s bad for the child and unpleasant for everyone else too. Sometimes kids just need to be told no. I worry how my second cousins are going to turn out when no one will tell them no, and I can’t do anything about it because I”m 400 miles away the majority of the time.
Post # 12
@Eckle: If you’re 400 miles away, you don’t really know what the status quo is. You don’t know for sure that the kid eats MMs for dinner every night. It could be that they are more relaxed during times with visitors.
Do I think that it’s a little odd to have that many people living together? Yes. I wouldn’t do it personally. But I can see where their perseptive could be. After all, we only have a (relatively) short period of time where we can have children. Our finances, however, are generally fluid. So I can understand that someone would not want to make a decision that could affect the rest of their whole live – something as important as children – based on a financial situation that could chage.
Again, I personally wouldn’t make that decision. The same way I would never let my mother or grandmother be my “nanny” while I work. Lots of people do that though, don’t they? And we don’t judge them so harshly, do we?
My point is, you really don’t know. You aren’t there every day, and you also don’t appear to know whether the aunt actually loves having them all there or really needs help in her day to day things – heck! Or even financially. None of this is worth getting worked up about because it really doesn’t affect you.
Post # 13
Based on the situation you are describing, I don’t particularly agree with their decision to have additional kids, but I think you are lumping stuff all together a bit unfairly. My husband and I live with my folks and are actively ttc. We are building our savings as much as we can while living with them – one of the biggest/only reasons for it. So by your post, we shouldn’t be ttc because we don’t own a home of our own. We thought about this long and hard and discussed it all with my parents before starting ttc and all of us determined that this was the best time to conceive. I’m already going to be 38 this year and waiting until we both have a home of our own and then are financially stable AND can afford either for me to stay home or to hire baby-sitters just wasn’t feasible. I’m running out of time too fast for that. Neither of us is taking advantage of the situation, both of us continue to work and help out around the house, but for us this was the best way to go.
Who knows, as someone else said, maybe there is something going on similar that you aren’t aware of.
Post # 14
@Mrs.LemonDrop: I didn’t say that they eat M and Ms every night, just that I have seen it on several occasions. I really do hope they eat more normal food on a day to day basis.
I do know that my aunt is very stressed out by the situation because she has told my mother so during an exercise class they take together. My parents live close to my Aunt and I talk to them very frequently so I have a decent idea of what’s going on back home.
@dodgercpkl: I never said you have to own your own home, I said be able to provide an independant living situation. It sounds like you could do that now if necessary, but are choosing to save for a house of your own instead. That sounds pretty responsible to me. The situation I am describing has gone on for more than 3 years and there has been no talk by my cousin and his wife about buying a house.
Post # 15
Some people are just like this. A close family friend of ours has 3 boys, the eldest has one daughter, the 2 other boys each have 2 and all of them live with the grandparents (the family friend). They are the nicest people but will never retire as they need to work to support their sons/grand daughters. They do absoultely EVERYTHING for them which makes the sons totally take advantage.
Hard to judge because what would you do if it were your grandbabies? The only thing you can do is teach your kids independance and try to get them more stable on their feet before they start their own families but it doesn’t always happen that way.
I wouldn’t have any more kids if I was having to live with my parents. Also, if the wife was a Stay-At-Home Mom but that wasn’t working out, why doesn’t she get a job now? I guess daycare for soon to be 3 kids would be too expensive. Hopefully once the kids (all or some) are in school she can get a job and get them back on their feet.
Post # 16
@Mrs.LemonDrop: I agree with this.