(Closed) Seriously considering calling off my wedding. Help please?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Yikes.  That WAS incredibly childish of him to do, and I understand why it would upset you (especially since your father was visiting and your neighbors might have been offended as well!).  Does he frequently do immature pranks like this?  Has he said “why” he would have written that on your windshield if you were not fighting (not that it would have been an okay thing to do even IF you were fighting!).  I just don’t quite get the mentality behind writing that on your soon-to-be spouses’s windshield.  IMO, it isn’t funny at all.  I don’t think that saying that makes you a “bitch”…I think it makes you an adult!

I’m glad you have contacted your therapist.  Does he ever go with you to these meetings?  It sounds like he has some unresolved resentment about things that he has “given up” or “changed.”  Resent is a dangerous thing to have lurking under the surface in a relationship…

Post # 4
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@anon09:  I don’t how good my advice is, so take it as you will.  If you dissect your above post, here are a few issues, based on my personal experience…

It sounds like you are fighting because of stress, his quiting smoking (it’s a MAJOR mood changer).  Stress is a bitch and can come in so many forms and show in so many little ways.  Fiance and I have been through this also.  I get nitpicky when I;m stressed and frustrated, he gets clsoed off, which makes me even madder and so the cycle goes.  From what your Fiance said to you via text it sounds like he has some needs that are not being met in your relationship, and perhaps they are exaggerated due to his withdrawls (quitting smoking can make people downright miserable!)  I think you need to cut him some slack.  HOWEVER, what he did the FUCK YOU on the car and calling you a bitch repeatedly is NOT acceptable in any way shape or form IMO.  You don’t treat someone you love with such disrespect.  BUT he is also correct to be upset you called him out in front of your dad.  You and your Fiance are a unit and issues should never be aired in front of others.  Take him aside, into your room etc and speak to him.  A public call out is humiliating, and likely put his already hissy self into lash out mode.

From your above post, I don’t think you should call off your wedding yet, and counselling is a great way to get a handle on things. BUT, if this is a pattern in your relationship, and has been all along, then it might be worth considering.  And take a good hard look at yourself too.  I often find when Fiance and I get into the ring together, I am shocked when he tells me how my behaviour looks to him and how it makes him feel.  I really have to rein myself back and focus on me, and usually when I do that, our issues resolve.  Action/reaction.  I attack, he reacts.  SUcks.

I hope you come to a healthy conclusion here, becasue you are right, no one wants to live this way.  But there is rarely only one doorstep on which to lay blame in a relationship.  As long as there is no phyisical or mental abuse, I think you should work on both of you and your communication techniques before quitting a relationship.  It;s never sunshine and roses all the time.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You deserve much better than this. I’m trying to think what he deserves, and i’m trying to be objective. What he did was wrong, but I’m confused about why you are letting him bait you so much. Don’t let him speak to you that way and don’t do things like getting into “texting wars” with him.

My advice is to try not to focus so much on the details, like what his reasons were for giving up nicotine. You’re getting married and you want a more mature relationship. Figure out what you want to be able to do, like not seeing profanities on your car, and what you need from him specifically to get there. Ask him what he would possibly be missing out on to give you that.

If you can’t have these conversations then you are absolutely not ready to marry each other.

Post # 6
Member
14444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yeah, that’s pretty immature, I cant think of why anyone would do that to their OWN car.  But, I have to say that the way he reacted to you flipping out on him in front of your father is not surprising.  From the “man perspective” he was put in a really tough loss loss situation.  He had his manhood totally challenged and made to look like a wuss by having to sit there and take you flipping out on him in front of your father.  The only other option was to defend himself and fight with you, which then makes him look like an asshole in front of your father.  And I’m sure neither image is the impression he wants to make.  I am glad though he had enough self control and respect for your dad to take it up stairs to quietly fight with you about it, that at least shows that he is level headed.  It does sound like he may be holding back a lot of resentment and this fight has just let the flood gates open.  Maybe take this opportunity to go out do dinner (I like to have talks in public places cause it helps to keep is level headed in order to not cause a scene) and talk things out.. .especially what he means by “I’m such a bitch all the time and he claims he’s changed a lot for me (giving up his job and moving, giving up his nicotine habit etc) and I haven’t done any changing over the last 7+ years “.

Post # 8
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

It sounds like it’s really just a matter of perspective and HOW you both fight. I think this could be fixed with patience and counseling so that the little things don’t escalate. I know you’re feeling overwhelmed with the problem, but I think it’s worth the effort if you love him as much as you say you do.

Post # 9
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The fact that he wrote that on yourcar is completely unacceptable! I can’t imagine anyone doing that and thinking it’s funny. Plus with your dad around? That makes it even more embarrassing! Has your Fiance always had some kind of weird humor or do you think there’s some underlying meaning to it? I would have flipped too. Not many things get me going, but respect is definitely a biggie. I hope he’s willing to go to a counselor with you so you guys can decide on what steps to take for the future.

Post # 11
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Well there are up and downs in every relationship. I recommend you wait until you cool down and try and think this through. It boils down to whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and if you want to live this way. He has done some changing but it is unlikely he will do much more. Only you know the answer as to if this the life you want.

Post # 12
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

@anon09:  I hear you. A lot of times it’s just a matter of learing the tools you need to be a rational partner in a relationship/marriage. Three things that helped me:

1) It’s important to always argue with mutual respect (that means no name-calling, ever, even if you want to . . . trust me eventually it becomes second nature!).

2) Keep it in perspective (Am I arguing about this because I am tired/hungry/sad/hormonal/embarrassed/etc. or is what happened TRULY terrible? IS THIS WORTH FIGHTING ABOUT?)

3) Don’t universalize the problems/keep the fight what the fight is about (if it’s about the dishes, keep it about the dishes and avoid phrases like “you always” and “you never”).

These are things that CAN be learned if you’re both willing to work on it. It feels unnatural at first but in the end it will feel so much better. Hopefully he will at least consider this!

Post # 13
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

You two need to learn how to communicate displeasure/anger without being petty about it and resorting to name calling and empty threats. It sounds like he has some valid points that need to be addressed, but he needs to be respectful about bringing them up and not go flinging the “B” word around just because he’s frustrated. And you shouldn’t have called him out in front of your dad. Nobody wants their in-laws, let alone anyone else, as an audience when someone is reaming them out. A more appropriate thing to do would have been to pull him aside, ask him to wipe the words off the car, and discuss it later.

I used to be the type to be stubborn and combative about little things too. I would hold grudges, bottle things up, and be a jerk in general. And you know what happened when my husband and I started dating? The first time I was about to go off on him about something stupid, I stopped in my tracks and thought, “Wait, what am I doing? I really like this guy, why am I about to start a fight just to get a pet peeve off my chest when I could just talk to him about it calmly and spare us both the stress?” I realized then that I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt him, I don’t want to lash out at him over things that don’t matter in the course of a lifetime, and I don’t want to waste a single minute being angry with him without a damn good reason. And he feels the same way about me. So we talk everything through calmly while it’s relevant, we listen to each other, we discuss/debate as necessary in a civilized manner, come to a decision, implement it, and get on with our lives.

Better communication won’t solve everything, but it’s the best first step you can take to getting back to a happier place in your relationship. Sit him down, apologize for your behavior this morning, and tell him you want both of you to figure out together how to deal with problems without blowing them out of proportion. That the name-calling and baiting need to stop, because you love each other and those kind of mind games don’t belong in a happy relationship.

Good luck to you.

Post # 14
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think this is worth calling off the wedding. It sounds like you are stressed and you both need to work on how you argue. I probably would have found the car thing funny but I get why you didn’t. I think you were way out of line yelling at him in front of your father. There was no graceful way for him to get out of that. Him calling you a b*tch is completely unacceptable and he needs to own up to that.

I think Darling Husband and I have a similar dynamic in that I can let my temper get to me quickly when its not warranted and then I lose the upper hand in the argument because I was unreasonable. We’ve both had to work on putting things into perspective and calmly talking things through.

Post # 15
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yeah. I dont think this is worth calling off the wedding, especially if you have been together for 6 years. This is more likely to deserve the “we need couples counseling” conversation first. You are in therapy, but he isn’t. This will help the fighting fair and looking at both sides of the situation.

But really, I think you both need to cool off and move on from it.

Post # 16
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with the other bees – not worth calling off your wedding but it does sound like you both need some serious couples therapy so you can learn how to properly communicate and the proper way to fight with each other because fighting will occur during your relationship, no matter what. Doesn’t sound like either of you are very good at resolving your arguments in a mature manner and they tend to escalate quickly as a result. I also think that no matter what your Fiance does, you should NEVER call him out in front of people. That’s totally emasculating behaviour and if there’s one way to get a guy to lash out, it’s by humiliating him in front of people. How would you like it if he freaked out on you in public? I know it would make me feel about two inches tall. Never a healthy thing for a relationship for one person to make the other person feel little.

Trust me, I know how it feels – Fiance and I used to have some WICKED battles, one of which involved us almost getting into a serious accident on the highway after he threw a bottle of water in the car (not at me) while we were screaming at each other and it exploded, almost causing me to lose control of our car travelling at 110km/hr. So yeah, I know me some fights. We went to couples counselling for a few months and it did wonders for us. We rarely fight anymore and when we do, it’s very short and ends with one of us apologizing within 20 minutes. We just learned how to properly communicate with each other and to think about whether something was even WORTH fighting about in the first place. From my experience, only about 5% of the fights we used to have were even worth it – the rest were just ridiculous freakouts and hissy fits. We both had to work at learning to control our tempers better and harder yet, learning when to just keep our mouths shut!

Talk to your Fiance, find a good couples therapist and get this stuff worked out BEFORE you say I Do – this is stuff you need to learn how to deal with whether you marry this guy or someone else.

 

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