Post # 1
Regular poster here. I am very shaken and unsure how to handle this. We have been married a few months and have a baby on the way. My husband has always had a temper but lately, since being pregnant, I just don’t care anymore. His temper tantrums are the least of my concerns really.
He snaps and yells at me sometimes when I throw up from m/s, then the next minute he’ll rub my back. Then he gets mad when I’m afraid he’ll yell at me while I’m throwing up saying that I need to stop accusing him of things. He interrogated me about my due date and was clearly trying to imply that he doesn’t think the baby could be his based on the due date. He always makes jokes at my prenatal appointments about how he better not find out this baby isn’t his. This made me really upset, especially because prenatal appointments are exciting and fun until he says something hurtful. I feel like he is raining on my pregnant parade. I think he just doesn’t like things to be about me, because everything is always focused on him. If he’s had a bad day I have to just watch out, but when I’m throwing up and tired he complains that I shouldn’t be so lazy. He has been in counseling for depression and he talks to her about his temper but then comes home and never does any of the exercises she gave him.
He seriously says the meanest things when he’s angry. Last night he was cranky, after a week of being cranky and snappy. I asked him what his problem was and intentionally stayed very calm because I’m afraid if I get stressed out or yell then I’ll lose the baby. He said a few rude things then went to bed. Then he came back and tried to get me to go to bed and I told him I won’t tolerate that kind of treatment and he went totally nuts. First he always scolds me about the house being too messy or how we have no money. It’s totally impossible because he’ll say I need to clean more, then I’ll say it’s his mess he’s pointing to for me to clean, then he’ll say how somehow the mess is still my fault. Then once that doesn’t work he gets nasty. He started saying I treat him badly and tried to blame me for his tantrum. I told him I wasn’t going to take the blame for his actions. He got up and started screaming and smashing things. If we’re so broke why does he keep destroying things so we have to replace them? Then he got his things to leave which was good because I was on the verge of calling the police to be honest. He expected me to beg him to stay and when I didn’t he started calling me a fucking bitch and saying it was a fucking mistake to marry me. Then he left and I felt great.
He came back about a half hour later and wanted to “talk” but just tried to justify his actions. I made him leave for the night and today he’s all mad at me. He says he’s sorry one minute and then he’s justifying his actions and yelling and saying he’s too busy to talk to me about this. I told him if he didn’t want to work on it then fine.
So then he started screaming that I could just leave and go on welfare and be lazy and abuse the system like everyone else… which is kind of a ridiculous thing to wish on your wife and baby… and also said he won’t want to see the baby. Then he started saying how he was going to kill himself so he wouldn’t have to support our baby. Then he wanted me to beg him not to kill himself!!
I told him this made me want to leave him and I would rather have a divorce now than wait until it’s gotten so bad that we hate each other. He says he can’t believe I want a divorce “after one fight”, but I would hardly call that a fight. I know they say you should try counseling before getting a divorce but I honestly don’t know if I care enough. He’s normally a good guy, I know where his demons come from, and he’s been doing amazing in counseling up until lately, even without doing the work she gives him. But these fits of rage are just too much. He says whatever he can to hurt me then regrets it later.
It also really upsets me that this stupid Kim Kardashian shit is going on right now. I feel like I would be ridiculed so badly for leaving him while quicky marriages are a hot topic. And do I return the gifts? I have no money but I was planning on selling my ring, if I used that money to pay back for wedding gifts I would have no money for myself. I just don’t know what I should do.
Post # 3
I would leave immediately. It is only a matter of time before he starts physically abusing you, and what if he hurt the baby??
Could you get an annulment? I wouldn’t worry about the gifts at this point, just get yourself out of there before he escalates
Post # 4
@anonymous1234: Don’t worry about the gifts. Honestly, people aren’t going to be knocking at your door asking where they went to…they’ll likely be more worried about how you’re doing since you’re pregnant and in the middle of a divorce. Personally, I would say try marriage therapy before leaving completely..it just sounds like hell pull any stunt within the legal system to obtain custody of the baby just to control you. If there is no improvement then move on. Did he act like this at all while you were dating/engaged?
Post # 5
@anonymous1234: It sounds like he has some serious anger management problems and you both have some serious communication issues.
I think counseling (both as a couple and as individuals) would really help you both greatly if you are going to keep your marriage together.
Would he be willing to do something like that?
I also say that until you can speak in a controlled environment, you leave (or he leaves) so that you don’t end up getting hurt.
Post # 6
you are not kim kardashian.
You need to do what is right for you and your unborn child. If he needs it to be all about him and this is how he is acting when you are pregnant. How is he going to act when the baby is here? You can’t ignore the baby to satisfy his need to be paid attention to.
He’s already denying the baby. He treats you badly because of morning sickness. He said he would kill himself to get out of taking care of you and the baby.
Go to conseling if you feel that you think he will change but….
You also said you were happier when he left. I think you know what you need to do.
Post # 7
Get yourself out of there. He’s being emotionally abusive, and from his behaviour of throwing things it’s probably only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive toward you as well. No matter what kind of depression or anxiety issues he’s having, this is unacceptable.
Don’t worry about what people think. This is a 100% legitimate reason for leaving him and you not only have your own safety but that of your unborn child to worry about as well.
Post # 8
i agree get out NOW. you should never have to feel like that. and it’s only going to get worse.
Dont worry one second about the gifts. i know if i gave you a gift and this was happening that i would want you to be safe and take care of that baby versus me getting something back.
stay strong and safe!
Post # 9
Don’t worry about what others will think of you sweet friend! You are a mommy now, use those instinctual survival and protection mechanisms to get you through. The stress you are under alone from the uncertainty of your husbands behavior is damaging to both you and baby.
Pleaase keep us updated and let us know if you have a safe place ( friend, family etc) that you can go to that has refuge.
I’m not sure how you went this long without knowing this kind of behavior , but all that matters is what you will be doing right now!
Post # 10
Agree with all the other posters. He’s not treating you properly, he’s emotionally abusing you, he’s denying your child, and he’s threatened suicide and destroyed property. If he’s willing to kill himself (or make those threats), what’s to say he won’t hurt you or the baby he says isn’t his?
Get out now. Be safe. NO ONE will compare you to a celebrity. Don’t worry about the gifts and etiquette. Your safety and the safety of your baby should be your #1 concern. Seek counseling (individual and couples, if you want) AFTER you’re in a safer situation. *hugs* Please be careful, and stand up for yourself and your child.
Post # 11
I would say leave. Even if you just leave for awhile, like a week, to think about some things and clear your head. If after that you feel that divorce is the best option, then go with it. And when you have the baby, give it your last name, my biggest stress on single pregnant women, from experience! Also, don’t worry about the gifts. I really don’t think anyone would care, especially with what you are going through. If my friends got divorced, I wouldn’t want the gift back, I got it for them, not for me! Good luck, and let us know how it all goes.
Post # 12
I’m with PP…how long before this anger turns into physical violence. He’s emotionally abusing you and doesn’t seem to be taking steps towards improving himself. Would you want to bring a child into this kind of environment? What would this be teaching your child? A bee posted this question some where on here in regards to a similar topic…she asked the OP…if your child grew up to be just like their father would you be proud?
Post # 14
Please, please stay safe and leave him. He’s obviously not stable and you need to take care of yourself and your child.
Post # 15
To be bluntly honest, unless he makes major headway in the next few months, his behavior will only get worse after the baby comes. Babies, while wonderful and incredible, add a lot of stress, and for a relationship that is already experiencing major problems, a baby may be the tipping point.
My advice is to leave, if you can, and stay with a friend or relative. Separating will either a) confirm in your mind that a divorce is a really the best choice or b) convince him to get some serious help in regards to his behavior. I would never flat out tell someone to get divorced, but your situation sounds dangerous for you and your baby, and I think it’s better to remove yourself while figuring out the next best step than wait.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
His behavior is not normal. It’s good that he’s seeking treatment for his depression, but he sounds too volatile to live with right now. Maybe he should keep seeking treatment on his own and you should separate from him (and that might motivate him to actually follow through with his therapist’s advice… or not). I would be very afraid to live with such an unstable person while pregnant.