Post # 1
My fiance and I did long distance until I moved. Because of the long distance, I didn’t really get to meet his parents much at all before I moved. They currently live 20 minutes from us.
We’re getting married in Arkansas (we’re currently in Virginia) my home state in September. My parents are paying for the wedding. We’re not having a rehearsal dinner, nor is his family throwing me a shower.
His parents originally thought it’d be fun to drive out to the wedding and explore the area before the wedding. We’ve asked them to drive our car home from the wedding so we can leave directly from the wedding to the honeymoon. We figured his parents could fly in to save them driving 17 hours both ways.
Yesterday, FI’s mom calls and suggests that they just ride with us to Arkansas when we go to the wedding. We’re planning on going a week early to settle lots of wedding details. We don’t exactly have time to entertain and show his parents around that week.
They’ve agreed to drive our car back if we pay for the gas. If they were already planning on driving, I don’t understand why we have to pay for the gas. His parents are paying nothing towards our wedding whatsoever. They aren’t exactly hurting for money. His parents are nice, but extremely frugal. Two days ago they showed up to our house with a brand new car. Their other car wasn’t old. They went to the dealership to get a $10 giftcard for test driving vehicles, and they decided to get a new car.
I just don’t understand why they can’t fly into the wedding a few days before. I would understand if flights were super expensive, but they are $200 per person. Have I mentioned they aren’t paying for anything regarding the wedding?!
Am I being irrational with not wanting his parents to drive out to the wedding with us? 17 hours in a car with the FIL is just too much for me.
What’s a nice way that I can decline their suggestion?!
Post # 3
The way I look it they would be doing you a big favor, so I don’t think it would be a big deal for them to drive up with you. Unless you really think they are going to drive you bonkers. Find someone else to do it then. I’m guessing you guys will be bringing lots of wedding stuff so just tell themthere no room inthe car, or better yet just have your Fi deal with them
Post # 4
That sucks but I’m not sure you can… They aren’t obligated to pay for anything for your wedding and they are doing you a favor driving your car home. The only tbang I could suggest is explore other options for getting the car home ( maybe a friend or another relative?) or offer to pay their flight to the wedding.
Post # 5
I mean I know they’re your in-laws… but they are doing you a favor. I’d try to find a way to pay for at least the gas to get your car back. and if you can manage it I’m not sure why having them a week early would be a big deal. You don’t have to entertain them for a week. Give them some ideas of stuff to do and explain that you won’t be able to do much since you’re doing a bunch of stuff for the wedding.
Post # 6
They say flights are just too expensive. She stated earlier this month that she had enough miles to cover one flight. It just seems to be a bit much for me.
She has now offered up a second option: I can fly out to Arkansas, and they will drive my fiance the 17 hours in their new IF we split gas with them.
I also think what really bugs me the most, is that they were planning on driving all along. Last month they changed their minds and decided that they’d rather fly out and rent a car. I guess I’m confused at to why they could fly out last month and then purchase a new car (when it wasn’t needed) and decide they can’t fly out anymore.
Maybe I’m selfish. I know my parents would never ask us to do that, but I know this will be my new family soon. IF they aren’t paying for anythign with the wedding why they hell do we have to split the gas? I know it’s petty, but it’s frustrating to me how they pretty much to do anything for us and expect us to go out of our way to please them.
Plus I have no clue what to do with them the full week before the wedding! They won’t have a car in Arkansas if they ride with us, and I honestly have a lot to do that week. I won’t have been in Arkansas since early June when I set the locations, etc. I don’t have time to pick them up for lunch, and our mass transit doesn’t really exist where we are.
Post # 7
If they planned on driving anyway, I wouldn’t expect for me to foot the entire gas bill on the way back. I would be happy to split it. But that is me. In my head, if they are going to drive anyway, sounds like they just want a free ride. But I can be pessimistic like that. But they are doing you a favor. I would try to compromise & ask them to split it. If they won’t, suck it up?
Also, if they want to come a week early, let them. Have them stay in seperate area, hotel room, house, whatever. And make them fully aware before the time comes that you will be very busy during the week tying up details so you (you and fi) won’t have much time for exploring with them.
Post # 8
I don’t have an answer for this one yet… I am just quite stunned at their proposal of travelling with you guys down to the Wedding a week before… honestly as someone who LOVES car trips with my guy… I know that they aren’t ideal for everyone. I highly recommend that you DO NOT ACCEPT their offer… a 17 Hour Drive with anyone who isn’t your perfect match, can be horrendous !!
Honestly, your idea of driving down and them flying in, and then driving your car back north made a ton of sense to me. Especially so if I was considering driving both ways anyhow. IF I was your relative, and doing that favour for you, I also wouldn’t be charging you for gas… as it would be part of the cost of my getting back home anyhow.
Crazy Inlaws if you ask me… I do think that you were kind when you used the word FRUGAL…
EDIT TO ADD – Since you posted an Update while I was drafting. So idea # 2, is you the Bride fly down, and they drive their new car both ways… but take Fiance (their son) along on the way down, BUT only if you guys pay half the gas? Wow, that is one for the books, they won’t even drive their son to his own Wedding free of charge… ya FRUGAL is being way too kind.
Post # 9
You need to stop comparing them with your parents. You two are adults and they aren’t obligated to put one cent our for your wedding. I think the fairest comprimise is splitting the gas since both of you were planning on driving down anyways. Both of you save money, and you get the added bonus of having your car driven home.
I also think FMIL has picked up on the fact that you don’t want to be in car with them and is giving you an polite out rather then being offended. You said you don’t really know them, so I suggest you do the best you can to get your relationship off to the right start with them. I don’t think your FMIL is being unreasonable. Recogize that they are different from your parents and they do things differently in their family doesn’t mean it’s bad or the wrong way to do things, it is just different.
As for what do with, in your op it sounded like they wanted to explore the area and do the tourist thing. Direct the to a hotel and perhaps get them some maps. Now would be the perfect time to work out these kinks. Let them know you will be busy,and make sure they know they will need a car for the week.
If this is turning into a bigger headache then it needs to be just let them stick to their orginals plans. Find another way to get your car home.
Post # 10
If I were in your boots, I would do everything I could to avoid involving his parents in transportation at all. Can you leave your car in Ark. and pick it up on the way home? Or fly yourselves both ways. Or have a friend or anyone else drive your car home.
Sure, they’re doing you a favor, but they’re also getting a vehicle to drive home anyway. With all 4 of you, I can understand splitting the gas (maybeeee) but charging their son to drive him to his own wedding? what the eff.
Post # 11
I think you’re annoyed that they are so tight fisted which is why the idea of travelling with them and looking after them irks you so much. Tbh, I think I would be too. They’re his parents so they shouldn’t be making payment deals with you re: petrol…that just seems uneccessarily frugal. Offering to split the petrol cost with your FI, their son, as a separate option is just weird…surely driving there is their choice and they are just trying to benefit financially from the car share.
For the sake of forging a relationship wih them I’m actually tempted to suggest you travel with them. Once you’ve arrived give them a whole list of things they can do on their own using public transport in Arkansas…then get on with your own things.
Post # 12
My FMIL has also insisted on coming out a full 5 days before the wedding, and I have had FI carefully explain to her that we will not be able to entertain her because we will have a bajillion details to iron out before the big day. Just be clear about your expectations because you don’t want them getting mad that you didn’t show them around the town before the wedding!
Can you and FI fly out and leave your car out of the equation? Then they’re on their own.
Post # 13
I love my FILs and I’m not sure I could handle a 17 hour car trip with them. Is there even room in your car? I don’t know what your situation is like, but I am getting married 6 hours from where I live (where my parents live) and everytime we go there, our car is packed with wedding things that need to go there.