(Closed) Seriously moving on! This is long… :)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

As an adult, if his faith dictates that he must marry inside his faith and he isn’t willing to be with a partner of a different faith, I would accept that he will never marry you and move on.  End of story.  Regardless of faith, some people are devout and regardless of the way he came to his faith (forced on by mother or not), his faith is obviously a critical part of his life now.

Post # 4
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you believe in Jesus and the Bible, how are you not a Christian?

Also, how can you be with someone for 4 years that is “like” your boyfriend, but isn’t one?

A relationship should be about accepting the other person wholly, not preaching to them. That sounds like something he can’t do. You should find someone that openly, lovingly, totally is with you, regardless of differences of faith. This relationship doesn’t sound like something that needs to be perpetuated – find something healthier!

Post # 5
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you need to consider walking away.  I don’t think that you are going to be able to change the way that he thinks if he doesn’t want to change, and it sounds like he doesn’t.

Post # 6
Member
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Religion is one of those issues that you really cannot change another person’s mind about. He sounds like he is completely set in his beliefs, whether you like it or not.

I think the best option is to consider getting out. If you do, dont let him crawl back. Dont give him another chance. At this point, you said you’ve left 4-5 times and always gotten back together. That’s the problem. At this point, he takes for granted that you will always be there because you have taken him back so many times. Stick to your gun, lady. The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself.

Post # 7
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I know many people of different faiths who have great relationships.  Some of them faced resistance from their families, but those who lasted are the ones who were able to put their partner first.  I’m sorry to say, but based on what you’ve written it doesn’t sound like your bf has ever stood up to his mother on your behalf and that’s not how a man who loves you should treat you. 

I guess I just don’t understand how things are ever going to change if he’s gone his whole life living under her influence.  You mention that she dislikes you and that you’re no longer allowed to spend time with her.  How likely is it that her son, whose behaviour she has clearly dictated his whole life, will ever turn his back on her wishes and marry you?  If she won’t even spend time with you than how will she ever accept you as her son’s wife? 

I wish I had something more positive to write but I just don’t get it.  If he’s brainwashed and you’ve spent the last 4 years without him budging then I don’t think spending more time is going to make any difference.  You can’t change a person…much as you might wish you could.

Also, if it’s been 4 years then maybe he’s not pretending to be the person he’s behaving as…maybe that’s just who he is.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
14660 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have to give you props for patience for stickign around for 4 years.  I would have walked away a LONG time ago, but I’m also someone that has never really run into ‘issues’ with peoples strong beliefs that have any effect on my own life. 

You said that after 4 years hes “basically like” your boyfriend but has said time and time that he can’t marry you because you are not Christan.  Red flag!  IMO tihs has gone on long enough already. He may say he loves you, but he also shows such an intolerance to you not being Christan, the love will never fully be realized… I would not be able to deal with that for so long, espeically knowing there is basically no future. 

It soudns like thats just who he is, as you put it “brainwashed” for lack of better word.  He cannot separate your relationship from the need for relgion, defends his mother, and has openly told you his view.  Doesn’t sound like he wants to change his ways or views.

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Wow that’s tough.  You’re a very patient woman.

However, I think he’ll never be happy unless his mom is happy, and that’ll be when he marries a complete nutcase just like his mom 🙁    He’d have to cut ties and go into counselling to undo all that damage she did, and I bet he won’t do that.

 

It’s up to you, but wouldn’t your energy be better spent honouring yourself and YOUR beliefs, and finding someone who loves you just the way you are?

 

I wonder if Jesus could make my bouncing cheques clear? 😉

Post # 10
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

As hard as it’s going to be…walk away for good this time. His mother sounds mentally ill (your faith is not supposed to hinder your ability to keep a job and provide for your family) and his relationship with her probably isn’t healthy because of that. He might not know what a healthy relationship is even like, ya know? Sounds like he didn’t get a chance.

You’ll be miserable in the short run…but ultimately you will be so much happier with someone who respects you 100%.

 

Post # 12
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I had this problem with an ex. Even though I’m Christian, he would keep telling me I wasn’t “really” a Christian because I didn’t go to his church, believe the exact same way he did, etc. It was a miserable time, and was infuriating! He wouldn’t even hold my hand, because he said that because I wasn’t a “Christian” in his terms, holding hands would encourage me to sin, blah blah blah.
 He treated me like a child, and I grew to resent him.

And much like the guy you’re talking about, my ex might of well been breastfeeding as a legal adult, because he couldn’t do ANYTHING without her. Girl, walk away. You’ll be MUCH, MUCH happier.

The topic ‘Seriously moving on! This is long… :)’ is closed to new replies.

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